i got to school this morning at 8 am (my usual arrival time). I had about 15 minutes to get things done and then the phone started ringing. I was talking with parents non-stop until the bell rang at 9:00 and there was still a parent there to see me in person then. These conversations ranged from friendly and cheerful to annoying and frustrating (no, ma'am, it ISN'T my fault your son gave you false information and caused you to waste your entire afternoon, sorry). One of the moms I want to just hug because she is so wonderful and supportive and nice. Another makes me want to tear my hair out after 2 minutes. So it goes.

We finished our CAT/6 testing today. Standardized tests all morning long is the pits, but we sure had fun in the afternoons. We spend much of one day experimenting with watercolors. Another day we had some extra free play and today we played Heads Up, 7 Up. Hooray for having fun. Next week it's back to the grind. Boo, hiss.

Now I'm off to enjoy my weekend. We are going to see Matrix Reloaded tomorrow. The sun is out and the heat is on here in Temecula. My birthday is a week from tomorrow. The windows were all open all day and it smells nice in my house. I got to play a fun word game on the computer. (Thanks, Seth!) And life is good in general. Peace out.

For my Father
He worries, you know.

Had a nice talk with my principal today about the possibilities that are open to me for next year. There aren't many, but it's nice to know that he is behind me 110%. I am feeling much more relaxed about the whole deal, especially after clarifying things a little. It's all up in the air, but all the possible endings are ones I can live with.

And my cold is feeling better. I chased Mikey to the couch last night with what he politely called my "heavy breathing" (as if I don't already know that I snore like a chainsaw when I'm sick!), but I feel fine today. I can still breath through my nose several hours after the Sudafed should have worn off, so I think I'm on the mend.

Hee hee...I like this post about the top 10 things to hate about Star Trek. Don't get me wrong...I love Star Trek...but it's still funny. And it mentions one of my favorite (and unfortunately cancelled) shows - Firefly. I was aimed there by Wil Wheaton himself, no less.

I can't argue with this one, although I would have prefered a more romantic animal. I want to be a panther or a timberwolf or something...


What Is Your Animal Personality?
brought to you by Quizilla

Quiz found at Joni Electric.

You are a true nature girl!


Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Quiz found at Electric Venom. I WISH I looked like that. : ) What kind of woman are YOU?

I don't make a very good geek. I don't jump at the chance of using every little tech advance that comes along. Most of them are just too complicated for my simple mind. However I have finally started using Blogrolling after seeing it just about EVERYWHERE. I think I like it.

On a completely unrelated note...does anyone out there have trouble loading my site? It looks goofy on my computer (not placed right on the page and the botom part of the boxes refuses to load), but just fine on Mikey's. Is this a problem for anyone else? Does anyone have any ideas on how to fix it? I can't do a thing with it.

Participation Positives are a way to start each week off on the right foot. List the things you are thankful for today.

I am thankful for...

*the sun
*the sypathetic ears
*my vacuum
*my weedwacker
*my lawnmower
*running water
*the cute new cd rack from FYE
*free Cinemax all weekend
*feeling sick on days off rather than missing school (even though I whine about it)
*the nurse in the blood donor van who did such a nice job with the needle that it didn't even bruise a tiny bit
*11 days until I see MN again
*13 days until my birthday
*26 days of school left (only 13 are my days though - Egads!)

and, of course...
*my wonderful Mikey, who makes every day a little brighter and every load a little lighter.

What are YOU thankful for? Leave me a comment or link.

At lunch yesterday we were discussing the pros and cons of not having children. Being Mother's Day I was seeing many happy little family units all around and wondering if I was giving up something really important by not creating one for myself. However after some discussion I realized that I would rather have the occasional moment of doubt than a nonstop barrage of messes and noise and chaos and responsibility. I would rather be able to help many children at a time in my classroom then be exhausted by the one in my home. I like being able to spend as much time with my husband as I want rather than stealing tired moments after the kids have gone to bed. Yep, I envy moms for the cuddles they get, but I don't envy the extra laundry or cleaning up vomit or waiting until 3 AM for the teenager to come home or the food bills or the doctor's bills or any of the rest of it.

Moms - I am amazed and awed by your ability to deal with it all. You have my undying respect and admiration. And if you need a babysitter, give me a call. I'm always available. Unless I have run off on a spontaneous weekend with the love of my life. I couldn't do what you do.

Happy Mother's Day

It is an interesting phenomenon that when I am sick I end up getting more chores done. I feel guilty for my lack of energy and push myself to get things done that I normally would just leave until the next day. Why? When I am healthy I don't feel guilty for being lazy. Wierd.

Anyway, yesterday we got TONS of stuff done. We tamed the wilderness that had taken over both of our yards. Remember when I put the fertalizer on the lawns? Well, the most apparent consequence of this action is that both lawns immediately went to seed. The back yard had grasses standing as tall as my waist when I finally attacked it with the mower. Very sad. Then I called one of my grammas and my mom. Had nice, long chats with both of them. Took a shower and headed to Red Robin to have lunch. My students gave me a gift certificate for Teacher Appreciation Week. We even splurged and got an appetizer! We walked off the extra calories by wandering around the mall for several hours and then went home where I tried to use one of the iron on transfers that I made only to find that my cheap little iron doesn't get hot enough. Finished off the day with a conversation with my father and step-mother. Fell into bed and slept like a rock. Of course, I feel worse today, but at least I can spent the day lounging in the sun without feeling guilty. I hope.

Here's the Friday Five...

1. Would you consider yourself an organized person? Why or why not?
Absolutely. To a fault. I love to organize. In fact, I will waste huge amounts of time and money to get something organized, just to find that I don't like it that way and need to re-organize it. It borders on an obsession!

2. Do you keep some type of planner, organizer, calendar, etc. with you, and do you use it regularly?
I have a 3 ring binder that I use to plan my school days. I have a daily calendar that I write things in, but since I don't look at it every day it isn't always as helpful as it could be.

3. Would you say that your desk is organized right now?
Somewhat. It is organized into piles - Need to File, Need to Work On, Need to Respond To, Etc.

4. Do you alphabetize CDs, books, and DVDs, or does it not matter?
Yes. I don't really care if they are alphabetized or not, but it's fun to get them that way. Sometimes I split them into categories and then alphabetize. All depends on how much time I have to waste.

5. What's the hardest thing you've ever had to organize?
A classroom schedule. I was once in charge of an autistic preschool. There were 7 students, each with their own strict schedule, that needed to be attended to. I had to plan the day so that each student got the required amount of play, work, exercise, and rest according to their IEPs. I also had to schedule which of the 4 adults was responsible for which students during the day. It was pretty chaotic, but by the time we were 6 weeks into our 9 week program we had it pretty well down. : )

Yeah. I WISH I could get a good night's sleep. Something has to be done. I can't go on this way. This afternoon I was on the verge of tears out of sheer frustration at the complete lack of control I am feeling. I still can't get my brain to stop spinning when I go to bed. And now I am getting sick. I am obviously on stress overload.

Off I go to toss and turn in my bed so that I can wake up with a headache and a sore throat. And stiff knees. And chapped lips. Bleh.

There really are lots of good things going on, I'm just too tired to blog about them now. Check back tomorrow afternoon.

I have a Mastercard commercial** for you...

Intro to CLAD for classroom teachers - $295
Language Development and Structure for the Classroom Teacher - $295
Theories and Methods in English Language Development and Content for the Classroom Teacher - $295
Cultural Diversity and Its Impact on Education - $295
A set of ten (10) tapes - $65
The Crosscultural Language and Academic Development Handbook by Diaz-Rico and Weed - $50

A good night's sleep - Priceless

The Grieving Process or Oh, God, I'm Going To Lose My Job!

I realized today that I have been gradually making my way through the steps in the grieving process. I recently learned that although I am promised a part time job in the district, it may not be in my current classroom. My partner would like to return to full time and that most likely means that I will be forced to choose between working with another partner or losing my job. (Full time jobs are in short supply around here, thanks to budget cuts.)

Being my usual, difficult self I went through the stages in an atypical fashion.

1. Denial
Of course, I denied the whole thing at first. "She's not really serious." I said. She was. "They can't force me to move," I thought. They can. "There's nothing to worry about, it will all work out just fine." I told myself. It's not going to. I was hoping that I would just be moved into a new class on the campus that I am currently working, but the most recent rumors suggest fewer classrooms next year instead of more. I was stuck here (at this stage) for quite a while, largely because it worked so well when I was given my pink slip earlier. I just refused to believe that it would actually happen and - lo and behold - it was rescinded. Not this time.

2. Bargaining
I decided that I would work harder. I would impress my partner so much that she wouldn't be able to bear the thought of teaching without me. I would wow my principal to the extent that he would open a new class rather than lose me. I would have children begging to be in my class next year. Yeah right. I didn't fool myself long with any of this. On to the next step.

3. Depression
As evidenced by my moody and overtly self-pitying post last week, I quickly lost my perspective. As far as I could see I had been given a taste of perfection only to have it snatched away to the tune of "Neener, neener, neener!" Instead of being in the perfect school, with perfect co-workers and perfect students, I was being sent to hell to teach demons and wildcats all by myself. I had nightmares about not knowing where I should be, not being ready or not having a job. More denial at this point, since I refused to think about any of this during my waking hours and instead tossed and turned through many nights of troubled sleep.

4. Anger
By this afternoon, after some discussion with fellow teachers, I decided that I was being screwed by the system. Due to my part time position, my probationary status, and the huge chunks being taken from the education budgets on every level, I was going to lose my job at some point, if not this year. I was being mistreated or at the very least, underappreciated. The realization (be it real or imagined) that it is not my fault this is happening, made it easier to move on to the next step.

5. Acceptance
I came to the conclusion that the smart thing to do would be taking the following two steps. First, do everything I can to make myself more desirable as a teacher. This means taking classes, learning a second language, joining committees, etc. Second, start looking for full time positions in the district. I know that they say there aren't any right now, but I need to keep my nose to the ground, my ear to the wall and my eye to the keyhole. As soon as one comes available, I need to make it known that I want it. If I am going to lose my job, I am going to do it under MY terms, rather than those of the district. I have seen how well they look after their own.

I still don't like the idea of changing jobs but at least now I have a plan for dealing with it. I got right to work by starting a CLAD (Crosscultural Language and Academic Development) class which will not only make me more valuable to the district, but also help me when I have to renew my credential in 2005. I plan to speak with my principal in the next couple of days about watching for open positions. I feel better already.

We had adventures in that great expanse they call Outside the House. Hooray!

1. Bought transfer sheets at Staples. I am making tee-shirts for the family to wear to my brother's high school graduation in a couple of weeks. I found a wonderful (read: horribly embarassing) picture of him from a couple years ago and decided to get creative. It will be fun for all. : )

2. Test drove a Civic Hybrid. This was probably a mistake because now I am seriously jonesing for a new car. And unless I win the lottery there is no way I can afford one. Especially not the Hybrid which is about $21,000. *Sigh* Oh - and just a friendly tip for any of you hoping to become car salesmen - DON'T argue with the customer. They HATE that. When they tell you that they want to buy a hybrid type car for environmental reasons don't tell them that they could just "buy a Civic LX and donate a couple thousand dollars to an environmental agency". It's NOT the same.

3. Donated blood. I am a wuss and I HATE needles and pain of any kind, but I feel good about doing this. I now have a hole in my arm, a pretty blue bandage, a new tee-shirt and a $5 gift certificate for food. Of course, I feel kinda dumb because I managed to get light-headed and everyone made a big deal over me and I was embarassed. Such is the price for doing a good deed. : )

I have determined that Outside the House is a good place and will attempt to visit again soon. At the moment I am going to lie down and read smutty trash. I have to rest up for a night with the Js.

Geez...I don't know what put me in this funky mood, but I do know that a trashy romance novel and some chocolate milk will help get me out.

I'm going home for a week soon. As much as I love my family, this is a stressful thing for me. For as long as I could remember I have had distinct roles to play with each of my family members. I am, by turns,
the pillar of strength,
the fixer of problems,
the hearer of words,
the thinker of clever thoughts,
the dispenser of wisdom,
the mete-er (work with me here!) of discipline,
the teller of jokes,
the applauder of accomplishments.
Sometimes it is too much. Especially when deep down inside I still feel like I'm 14. What the hell do I know about any of these things? Of course, no one truly has these expectations of me. No one but me.

What to write? I feel as though I have been very shallow in my writing lately. Friday Five, This or That, rediculous quizzes...because I have nothing of depth to talk about? Or because I am repressing those deep thoughts I might be having? I honestly don't know. I read other blogs and I find witty, clever, deep, thoughtful people and I wonder why I can't be like that. I want to be like that. I strive to be like that. I feel fake and pretentious when I am like that. Ugh.

The things that are important in my life seem so shallow when they are turned into the written word. My students, my cats, my husband. They are so much more...more intense... more beautiful...more...they are so much MORE than I can express. How do I describe the frustration of seeing a little boy suffer from the inattentiveness of his parents and knowing that there is really nothing I can do to change it? How do I create the image of my little gray darling when she is lying upside down in the sun, asking for a tummy rub with the lazy blinking of her round eyes? How do I share the overwhelming depth of what I feel for the man who has seen my worst moments and still promised me his forever? There aren't words for it. Nothing I say can do any of it justice.

So instead I answer foolish questions about music and shoes and my first job. I compare chocolate ice cream to vanilla ice cream and couches to laz-e-boy chairs, all the while hoping that somehow you will take all the little bits and pieces and put them together to see that jigsaw puzzle that is me, that is my life. That puts the hard work, the challenge, on you rather than on me. And it leaves me the slight hope that no one will manage to put the pieces together quite right and notice that I am, in fact, not as deep or as beautiful or as spiritual or as special or as clever as I wish I were. It leaves me the impression that I might still have some of you fooled into thinking that I am all of those things. Perhaps it even leaves me the hope that I might fool MYSELF.

I don't think it's working.

Through the Eyes of a Child



This is a picture of our classroom as one student sees it from his desk. That is me sitting in the front. The white board behind me contains all kinds of information that we use every day. I find it interesting that the only two parts he considers important enough to actually represent are the date and the copy of the Matrix that was sitting in the white board tray*. The rest of the scribbles very accurately represent the placement of the rest of the words, if not the meaning.

(*The Matrix was there because it was "Dress as your Favorite Movie Star" day. I don't have a favorite movie star, but I do have favorite black clothes and I am excited about the upcoming release of The Matrix, Reloaded, so I dressed as Trinity. No one got it, but it was fun.)

Yesterday my students were required to complete a simile activity. They had to come up with a simile to describe (nicely) each member of our classroom. It was amusing to read through them last night. Some of the best...okay, maybe most creative is a better description...

S***** is as cool as a Pokemon.
T**** is as daring as a fire eater.
M******* is as generous as a tree.
O** is as handsome as Denzel Washington. (Interestingly enough, O** came up with this one!)
N*** is as fast as me. (O** came up with this one too. O** doesn't have any self-esteem problems.)
A****** is as peaceful as her guinea pig.
K**** is as funny as a possom. (??? I had no idea.)
O** is as quiet as a hyena. (Yep, that's the same O**. And yep, he's about that quiet!)
Mrs. H. is as pretty as a horse. (As my hubby was reminding me last night, that is a good thing in the mind of a child. They think horses are pretty.)
B**** is as energetic as a zebra foal.

We had fun with this activity. I am going to type them all up and make each child a book of similes about themselves. I think I will do this for the end of the year so they can use them like yearbooks. : )

Which country am I most like?


Switzerland -
A neutral power for as long as most can remember,
it has avoided war for several centuries.
However, it is still considered highly advanced
and a global power.


Positives:

Judicial.

Neutrality.

World-Renouned.

Powerful without Force.

Makes Excellent Watches, Etc.


Negatives:

Target of Ridicule.

Constant Struggle to Avoid Conflict.

Target of Criminal Bank Accounts.



Which Country of the World are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

I bet this doesn't surprise you at all.