I Love Love.

Valentine's Day had me thinking about love.  Thinking about love led to thinking about past loves.  Thinking about past loves led to thinking about the things I have learned about love over the years.  And you know I love to share what I've learned...

My first love was also my best friend from kindergarten through elementary school.  It was a love built around pulling pig-tails, playing King of the Hill, and being in the same class year after year.  From this love I learned:

• Drama is a waste of time.  Say what you mean.  Mean what you say.
• Love is worth the risk of cooties.
• Boys can be sensitive.  Sometimes you have to let them win.
• Loyalty is important.

My junior high love was a love of firsts.  First love letter.  First date.  First dance.  First kiss.  First break-up.  This love was exciting and new.  It was thrilling and terrifying all at the same time.  Eventually, my insecurities got the better of me.  From this love I learned:

• Love is about sharing.  Your thoughts.  Your feelings.  Your science homework.
• Even the toughest guys are afraid of something.
• Nothing smells as good as your boyfriend's jacket.
• Picking a 3 hour drama for your first movie date is a mistake.
• Giving your friends too much influence over your relationships is a bigger mistake.
• Those 80's movies starring people like Molly Ringwald and John Cusack in which couples break up over misunderstandings but then end up back together as the music swells at the end of a montage showing how miserable they were apart are a bunch of crap.  Romantic, misleading crap. 

One of my high school loves was a long, drawn out, on again - off again affair while the other was largely confined to my own head.  In the first, I reveled in the feeling of being pursued and desired despite being ambivalent about the relationship myself.  In the second, I fruitlessly longed for a friend to realize that we were perfect for each other.  From these loves I learned:

• Balance is essential in a relationship.
• Pity is not a good reason to be with someone.  Nor is it a good reason for someone to be with you.
• What comes around, goes around.
• Love can make you act like a crazy person in a great many ways, all of them embarrassing to think about after the fact.

In college, I was sure I had found the love of my life.  We had so much in common.  We liked the same food and the same music and the same goals.  We were perfect together.  Except, under these surface commonalities we had very little in common.  I was traveling through life on a freeway toward a well-mapped location, and he was traveling on a winding, overgrown path to destinations unknown.  I needed organization, plans, and focus while he needed freedom and the unexpected.  I was learning to appreciate my new-found responsibilities while he was learning to appreciate the newly hired girl at work.  From this love I learned:

• There are still some true romantics out there.
• Sometimes good things come to an end.
• From the inside a relationship looks very different than it does from the outside.
• It isn't called compromise if one person is making all the sacrifices.
• Loyalty is REALLY important.
• I am a hell of a lot stronger than my high school self would ever have guessed.

Shortly before moving to California, I met my husband.  I could use up all of the space on the internet telling you how wonderful he is, but I'll save that for another post.  Let me summarize by saying that from this love I have learned:

• The difference between "a love" and "The Love" is immediately obvious.
• It is possible to know you are in love with someone without ever having seen their face.
• Keeping two completely different people, each with their own backgrounds and personalities and issues, rowing together smoothly isn't impossible, but it takes a whole lot of practice.

It is now long past my bedtime, so I am going to stop trying to come up with an appropriate conclusion and just end this.  Ain't love grand?

Sophia Sisters

I have shared just about everything I am about to write with pretty much every living being who has crossed my path since August, but I want to document it here for my own sake.

My extended family is, well, quite extensive.  I come from several pretty long lines of pretty amazing people.  And I say that with absolutely no bias what-so-ever.  :)  This past August, I lost one of my beloved aunts after a lengthy battle with cancer.  Her name was Kate, and she was my father's youngest sister.  Even as a child, she was the kind of person who went out of her way for others.  I have heard stories of her coming home from school, baking cookies, and handing them out to local homeless people.  She was the person who would double back on a crowded freeway in a snow storm on Christmas Eve to help complete strangers.  Even while battling her own illness, she was the embodiment of the Prayer of St. Francis:

Oh, Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; 
to be understood, as to understand; 
to be loved, as to love; 
for it is in giving that we receive,

While saying my last goodbyes to Kate, I had the opportunity to see how her kindnesses were returned to her ten-fold.   One of the things Aunt Kate did as she faced her own mortality was to gather a group of like-minded women for regular meetings during which they would talk about life, family, spirituality, and all the other things that are important.  They called themselves the Sophia Sisters (sophia being the Greek word for wisdom), and Kate's sisters were there for her though everything.  This group of women (along with their families) made sure Kate and her family had hot meals, renovated her kitchen, and made sure the planters on the front stoop were filled with beautiful flowers to greet her many visitors. 

Although I learned a remarkable number of things during that difficult week, there was one thing I couldn't stop thinking about.  Kate was surrounded by love during her most trying times for two very important reasons:
1.  She cared openly about the individuals she came across on a daily basis.  She wasn't afraid to wear her heart right out on her sleeve.  She didn't shy away from the risks involved in relationships.
2.  She made an intentional effort to strengthen the connections she had made.  She took the time to reach out.

Upon returning home, I couldn't stop thinking about Kate and the way she lived her life.  I have never been good at socializing.  Although my close friends might describe me as gregarious, I am painfully uncomfortable around people until I get to know them.  I enjoy talking on the phone, but hate making phone calls because I am sure that my call is interrupting something more important.  I tend to wait for others to reach out to me, whether to begin a relationship or to maintain it.  Genetically, I am predisposed to live "in the moment".  Like my father, my mother, and much of my extended family, I tend to forget about holidays and important events until they are happening.  Even though I am often thinking of my family, I fail to follow through on providing evidence (sending cards, making phone calls, etc) of such thoughts on a regular basis.

Because of these traits, it has always taken me a long time to develop meaningful relationships.  The connections I manage to make are often woefully neglected whenever distance becomes involved.  Although I would count just about all of the 70-some students who went to high school with me as "friends", there were only a handful who knew the real me, and I haven't seen a single one of them in almost 15 years.  In 4 years of college, I managed to cultivate exactly ONE lasting friendship (and even that was only renewed recently thanks to FaceBook).  I have lived in the Temecula area for nearly a decade, and until this past year I could count the people who had made it past the "acquaintance" stage on one hand.  I would watch movies about friendships that spanned lifetimes and wish that I could be so lucky.  I longed to belong to a group with all my heart and eagerly awaited the day when that group would magically appear.

Watching Kate's Sophia Sisters come together for Kate and family, I realized that I was waiting for something that wasn't going to just happen.  The beautiful, meaningful relationships that surrounded her and supported her weren't the result of sitting around wishing for something to happen.  Kate built them, slowly and carefully, just as her father, a carpenter, built spiral staircases.  With empathy and honesty as her hammer and nail, she could turn the briefest of encounters into a lasting friendship.  If I wanted to have what Kate had, I was going to have to pick up my own tools and put them to use.
I have challenged myself to consciously create more meaningful connections to those in my life.  One way I am doing this is by working harder to recognize important events in the lives of others.  I am trying to send birthday cards on time, make phone calls more regularly, and provide tangible evidence of my feelings for friends and family.  The other thing I did was to call up some of the wonderful women I am surrounded by and create my own Sophia Sisters group.  We meet on a monthly basis with the intention of create a support system for ourselves while collectively working to support the less fortunate our community.  These intentional efforts at empathy and openness are already paying off.  As I am honest and caring with those I meet, others are becoming more honest and caring toward me.

I'm going to wrap this up now, because I know that I am rambling...  My thoughts on this topic tumble over one another like puppies outgrowing their birthing box, and consequently my words do the same.  I could save this and put it away in the draft folder to revisit another day, but I am more interested in getting my thoughts out than in making them perfect.  So, I will resist the urge to re-read this yet another time. Instead I will leave you with a message that came to me via a student this evening and seems to fit the mood of this post perfectly:

And you O my soul where you stand,
Surrounded, detached, in measureless oceans of space,
Ceaselessly musing, venturing, throwing, seeking the spheres to connect them,
Till the bridge you will need be formed, till the ductile anchor hold,
Till the gossamer thread you fling catch somewhere, O my soul.

~ A Noiseless Patient Spider, by Walt Whitman

Vacation Getaway!

Recently, there has been an increase in potential social life around here and I am greatly enjoying it. First, my friend "K" and I bought season tickets to a theater in Solana Beach and we have been to two plays already, both of which made me cry. The first ("Leading Ladies") because I was laughing so hard, and the second ("Tuesdays With Morrie") because it was so touching. Both were well performed, but even if they had been horrible, the chance to hang out with a pal is great. We even have plans to drag our hubbies with us the next time.

I also have lots of upcoming travel plans. I will be heading home to visit with Mom and the MN gang next week. At the end of the year, I will be taking a school related trip to Virginia and Washington, DC. At some unknown date in the future, "K" and I have promised to go on a "girl's vacation" cruise to the Carribean. On the flip side, I will be hosting my Daddy over Christmas. Those plans have been made for the last year and I am very much looking forward to it.

It all sounds fun to me!

Goin' to the Beach!

I'm heading to the beach this afternoon to soak up some Vit D and breath in some salt air. There will be little ones to play with, food to snack on, and delightful company. If that isn't a perfect day, I don't know what is.

Par-tay Time

This afternoon, I am having some of my coolest pals over for a housewarming get-together. Actually, another friend and I are doing a "progressive housewarming". We start at my place for snacks and head to hers for dinner. This is a group of people who never fail to make me belly laugh and I am sincerely looking forward to that. :)

Worth It

I spent day with several girlfriends yesterday. One was celebrating a birthday and her husband planned a Girl's Day filled with all her favorite things - classy restaurants, beach walks, rep. theatre, hanging out. It was a total blast.

The only problem? I forgot to put on sunscreen and burned the crap out of my face. I didn't notice it happening because it was overcast and breezy, but by the end of the evening I could tell I was a bit too pink. I woke up this morning feeling like I have a slight fever. Until it goes away I will have to listen to Mikey chastise me for risking my skin's health, and I will be uncomfortable for the next few days. But the day full of friendship and conversation was so worth it.

For My Mac Pals

Because my Mikey loves me and wants me to be happy** he is on the verge of releasing Loonyland for the Mac. Being as I am the one who washes his dishes and folds his laundry, I already have my version - 35% done, thank you very much - but you can get yours very soon at a Hamumu Website near you.

If you need something to entertain yourself with Right This Minute, you should check out Pumpkin Pop, which has already been ported for your gaming pleasure. Don't say I never did nothing for you.

** It has to be for this reason and not because he is hoping to rake in the money from sales to the poor, deprived Mac gamers, right?

Welcome, D-Dogg!

It is slightly alarming to think that there are people in the real world (besides my family) that might be reading this. I know that is the purpose, but it can be somewhat intimidating to be writing things that someone who is aquianted with you might be reading. Although mostly easygoing, I have some pretty strong opinions about some pretty hot topics. While I don't expect people to always agree with me, not everyone has such an openminded approach to things. Having such a public job, it means I have to be careful about what I say for fear of offending/upsetting someone who might have influence over my job (read: parents, community members, DO officials, anyone).

Why does this come up? I have recently been visited by a parent. Granted he is the exact opposite of what I described above, having shown himself to be quite openminded and reasonable. Not to mention a man of exceptional humor and generosity - he provided us with taped episodes of South Park and Family Guy, providing me with a comedic outlet that many parents might not understand (or at the very least want to know about) in an elementary school teacher. His visit doesn't worry me, but it does highlight the fact that I am not exactly hidden away in the darkest corners of Peru here. There could be lots of people from my school community reading this. I just hope that they read long enough to really see what is going on here before making any snap judgements. Yeah. Right.

I should probably take my ramblings somewhere else, but I hesitate for several reasons:
1. I really like the name Rambling with Isha and don't want to lose it.
2. I really like sharing these thoughts with my family and friends who are regulars here.
3. I am not secretive enough to maintain any kind of anonymity for long even if I were to start a new blog.
4. I don't like the idea of being chased away by the mere possibility of problems.

I will just have to think before I post things. Not really asking all that much, is it?

Not the Only One

We are not the only people obsessed with seeing Serenity. Firefly was a cult hit among many, as evidenced by this other cult hit.

Happiness is...

...having friends who want to watch Hitchhiker's Guide AND Serenity with you. Nice to know people who have taste and a sense of humor. :) I can't wait.

I get by with a little help from my friends...

I can't imagine what kind of a mess I would be on a regular basis if it weren't for the wonderful people who surround me. I go to work and people listen and sympathize and care. I come home to be surrounded by love. I talk with family members who do everything they can to help me. I am truly a blessed person. I am thankful for this every second of my life.

Trust

I have mentioned before that my co-workers are very good to me. They are also quite funny. You remember the Label incident. It is a real testiment to our relationships that I can be so openly myself with them. They know that I am a tree-hugging, hippy freak who can't spell or do math in my head, but can be counted on to have important papers filed away in a safe place. They know that I am spacey about some things and analy retentive about others. And they are okay with that.

It is still hard for me to accept that though. I am so used to feeling out of place, that it feels wierd to be accepted. Today, I was telling C and D about the book clubs I am going to be starting next week. As I was showing them the lists and organizers and files and folders that I have created, they kept saying "Wow, you're amazing. How do you stay so organized?" I still felt like a total geek, but at least I felt like an understood geek. I was happy to be able to share some of my ideas and ease some of the work off them.

I am realizing that it has taken me nearly 35 minutes to type this so far and I am having to fix every single word because of typos. This tells me that my brain is in "OFF" mode and I need to go to bed beroge I hurt mydlef. :) Goodnight.

Spooooooooky.

Friday night, I had a dream that I was wandering up and down the halls of a large, meandering building looking for my best bud from school (We'll call her "D"). I was desperate to find her because she was supposed to give me a kidney (gee, i wonder where that is coming from...) and I couldn't find her anywhere. Near the end of the dream, I was just wandering up and down the halls yelling her name in a sad, forlorn little voice. I turned a corner, and there she was, lying in a hospital bed with her hubby by her side and a newborn in her arms. As I woke up, I thought, "Well, of course she can't give me a kidney. She's having a baby."

Monday morning, "D" came into my room, all aglow, saying that she had news she couldn't keep a secret any longer. Yup. She's due in April. I wonder if I will be able to forsee the sex of the baby, too? :)

*Interesting Sidenote*
Although I maintain my belief that we should not have kids, I have to admit that there was an INTENSE rush of maternal longing for about 30 seconds after she told me. All I could think was how fun it would be to share the experience with her. Then I came to my senses. I have told her that I am going to experience pregnancy vicariously through her. So if I start to act crazy, blame it on the hormones.