Okay. Off to bed. I need to work on scholarship essays tomorrow. Hooray. Night all.

Friday Five

1. Would you say that you're good at keeping in touch with people?
No. I want to be, I try to be, I wish I were. I am lousy at keeping in touch on a regular basis. I have a hard time making small talk and can't seem to get beyond small talk in letters or even e-mails which I do more regularly. That is part of why I started this blog. My feeble attempt to give my closest family and friends a more intimate look at my life. Unfortunately, very few of them read it.

2. Which communication method do you usually prefer/use: e-mail, telephone, snail mail, blog comments, or meeting in person? Why?
Each of these methods has it's pros and cons for me. I like e-mail because it is quick and easy to send. However, I am not good about staying on top of who I owe e-mails to and then I get overwhelmed. I like to hear real voices but I don't like paying phone bills or actually making calls (I always feel like I am interrupting something). I enjoy how intimate and personal a real, pen-and-paper letter feel, but I rarely find the time to sit and write one. Blog comments are quick and easy and immediate, but they lack the intimacy. And meeting in person for a chat and a meal is always the best, but everyone lives so damn far away. What can I say? I have lots of excuses and that is all they are. I have issues! : )

3. Do you have an instant messenger program? How many? Why/why not? How often do you use it?
I have ICQ, MSN and Yahoo accounts that I have just recently started using again. I didn't use them for a long time because of the dial-up connection issue. Even now I don't use them much. I have very few contacts and the person I started using them for is now my hubby and I don't have to rely on IMs for daily contact with him! I do talk to Joie and Amy fairly often, but that's about it.

4. Do most of your close friends live nearby or far away?
What friends? Kidding...I have some good friends who live here in town and then I have a few who live far away. I can count all the close friend in my whole life together without taking off my socks, however. I am not good at developing personal relationships, so when I make a connection with someone it is very important to me. You would think that would make me better at staying in touch. No...it just makes me miss them more when we lose touch. I'm a wierdo.

5. Are you an "out of sight, out of mind" person, or do you believe that "distance makes the heart grow fonder"?
I guess I would be a "DMTHGF" kind of person. Esp. since I am also a romantic and being away from someone for awhile makes my memory of them take on a decidedly rosey tint.

I am adding to my young adult book collection slowly. So far I am choosing only books that I think all kids should read...not just ones that are fun or might be interesting...those come later when I have a little extra cash. So far I have...

Adv. of Huck Finn - Mark Twain
Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret. - Judy Blume (can't say this fits the criteria 100%...it's been a long time...i have to re-read it)
Charlotte's Web - EB White
Harriet the Spy - Louise Fitzhugh
Island of the Blue Dolphins - Scott O'Dell
Little Women - Louisa May Alcott
My Side of the Mountain - Jean Craighead George
Where the Red Fern Grows - Wilson Rawls
The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
A Wrinkle in Time - Madeleine L'Engle

There are so many more that I want to get, but this is a pretty good start, I think.
Books make me happy. I want to share that with kids. I want to show them that books should and can be read for enjoyment. That even if you have a million other interests...books are fun and interesting and entertaining and exciting. I love books.

cool winds blowing in
grey clouds bring much needed rain
winter is coming

So things are all topsy turvey at my childhood home. Furniture that has been there all my life is now gone and things I've never seen before are moving in. Even tho I am not there and haven't been there in a while and even tho it isn't my home and even tho I have lived away from that houseful of furniture for many years only stopping by briefly now and again...I am still feeling sad at the change. I miss the old furniture and I am not sure I like the new furniture as much as Mom thinks I will/do/should. I'm sure it is wonderful furniture and I am sure that it will do it's best to fulfill its furniturial duties and make my mom's home a happier place for her. However, no matter how hard it tries it isn't the old furniture. The squeaks and nicks and little scratches are different. It fits differently and will probably make me stub my toes in the dark the first few times I am home. It will look and smell and sound and feel differently. I just don't know. I guess this new furniture will take some getting used to. I will give it a chance. I will get to know it better when I am home next. But it's fighting an uphill battle.

Hooray! Joie liked my present! : ) It was fun how excited she got! I love to give presents. In fact, here's one for all of you...

If you are anything like me you have different friends on different instant messanger services. It's a hassle to deal with all the different ones...so don't. Go to Cerulean Studios and download their amazing Trillian device. It allows you to use IRC, ICQ, MSN, AOL and Yahoo all at one time from one easy to use control center. It's awesome, isn't it Joie? : )

dang...while i was sick i thought of something that i wanted to share and now i can't remember it...i hate it when that happens

in the meantime, here's a funny story about a class i was in...

Some of the kids were reading in the library corner while a few finished up some work. In between helping them finish I went to see what the others were reading and talking about...just keeping tabs on them. I got there just in time to be asked this question:

"Did God create everything? Or did people come from dinosaurs?"

When I started out by saying a difinitive "People did NOT come from dinosaurs." the questioner was very excited and said "Seee???" I stopped him and explained that dinosaurs lived a long time ago and some people thought that they changed over a long time into other animals that eventually changed into other animals that changed into apes that eventually changed into people and some people believed that God created everything. This, of course, got arguments from both sides to which I simply said that no one can prove either completely and that each person has the right to believe what they believe. The things that subs have to deal with! I love that kind of discussion in my own room where I know the kids and the parents and the best way to deal with both...in a strange room it is more difficult. I have found that the easiest way to deal with things like that is give as truthful an answer as I can. Admitting that I don't know is a good strategy too! : )

swooning at the thought of James Marsters at the moment...*sigh*...he's SO cute! : )

and, yes, Mikey knows I have this infatuation...he is very understanding...or at least he puts up with it...

"you know you've got a willing slave
you just love to play the thought
that you might misbehave
but until you do, i'm telling you
stop visiting my grave...
and let me rest in peace"

Mikey is dancing around the office like snoopy...

I bought him the soundtrack to the Buffy musical episode. When I say "bought him" I mean that giving it to him as a gift made it okay for me to spend the money on it so that I could listen to it and sing along! : ) We are both Buffy fans. Altho last season was very disappointing...there is still hope for this season. Hee hee...it's so fun to see Mikey enjoying a gift I give him. Lots of joy and smiles and excitement. It's like Christmas around here!

YYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I not only have internet access again, it is super fast and wonderful!!! AND Mikey and I rearranged the office and the kitchen and I really like both new looks. Life is good today! : ) Heck, life is good everyday...

Sorry for the dearth of posts lately...illness and computer issues have made it difficult. I'll be back soon. Promise.

There is nothing quite as frustrating as having to change computers. Everything that I had set up just the way I wanted it is now all a mess. I have to re-download tons of thing and re-organize everything else. Nothing is where I think it will be and it's a big hassle. Grrr.

It is all worth it to be able to use a DSL connection tho. : )

My nose is clearer, but I am still not feeling 100%. I slept for a LONG time last night.

My kittie has a new friend. Several times now we have found him lying on the kitchen floor staring intently through the sliding screen at a small lizard on the wall outside. The lizard is positioned so that he is just peeking around the edge of the wall into the kitchen. They sit there for hours watching each other. When we come into the kitchen the lizard scoots back so he can't be seen until he deems it safe again. They are very cute. I love those little lizards. Adorable.

I am saddened by the current season of Real World. In the first episode they have already broken just about every rule in my moral code. And I am no prude. I am going to watch it, of course, but it is offensive to me that they make young 20-somethings look like they are all about sex and beer and nothing else. Or maybe I am just really out of touch with reality and they really are all about that and I should be worried for the future of humanity. At least American humanity. Yikes.

bleh.
today i am sick. i am in a hazy fog in which i don't care about anything. my body wants to colapse into itself. breathing takes energy i don't have. on top of that my internet connection is SUPER SLOW (we are getting DSL today tho) and i can't seem to find my way around to necessary places on my college website. i think i will take a nap. it will all be better soon. good thing there is no school tomorrow. i can do lots of resting.
here are some haikus i wrote while falling asleep last night. don't ask why...i don't know...they just came to me.

red hawk flying free
hot sun on my thirsty lawn
temecula life

ocean to the west
hazy mountains to the east
home in the middle

five are quite easy
seven are a bit harder
haikus can be fun

later all...several hours of sitting upright has left me needing a nap.

Dang, I was all set to support Pepsi even tho I have always been a Coke person after reading this complaint by a Christian group from Amy's site...

Haven't seen this new can, but check it out before you buy one! Pepsi has a new patriotic can coming out with pictures of the Empire State Bldg. and the Pledge of Allegiance on them. But Pepsi forgot two little words on the pledge, "Under God." Pepsi said they did not want to offend anyone. If this is true then we do not want to offend anyone at the Pepsi corporate office. If we do not buy any Pepsi product then they will not receive any of our monies. Our money after all does have the words "Under God" on it.

Then I did a search and found this...

Pepsi has been forced to distance itself from rumours circulating on the internet about a patriotic can launched in the wake of September 11 by Dr Pepper, a brand it does not own. The soft drinks giant has taken the unusual step of issuing a "false rumour alert" claiming inaccurate information has been distributed about the limited edition can. The can in question features a picture of the Statue of Liberty and the words: "One Nation... Indivisible" - a partial quote from the Pledge of Allegiance taken by all American citizens - around the top of the can. Rumours circulated on the internet suggested it was Pepsi that deliberately left out the phrase "under God", which upset some consumers who complained to Pepsi about the omission and organised boycotts of Dr Pepper. Critics of the cans said omitting the reference to God was an act of political correctness by the company and Christians should complain about the move. Pepsi has taken the unusual step of denying its involvement and referred consumers to the Dr Pepper's owner, the Dr Pepper/Seven-Up Company, which is owned by Cadbury Schweppes in the US.

No headache yesterday!!!!

We went out to dinner to celebrate. I was talking to my cousin about the fact that nothing makes you feel quite as good as feeling good after feeling crappy for a long time! I'm sure you have all experienced it at some point. Yesterday was a SUPER day because I didn't have to do everything thru a haze of head pain. I was in a crazy class that needed lots of redirection and attention and it was my best day yet! I am SO SO SO happy! : )

oh...and no headache so far today either. : )

Hey, check this out....

A shark held with no male counterpart at Detroit's Belle Isle Aquarium for the past six years has produced three babies in what zoo officials are calling "virgin births."
The first two offspring hatched in July and the third was born earlier this week, Doug Sweet, curator of fishes at the aquarium, said in an interview on Friday.
He said they were thought to be the result of a process called parthenogenesis, which is the ability of unfertilized eggs to develop into embryos without sperm.
"The other option here is that perhaps there's a chance that the female might be a self-fertilizing hermaphrodite. That is, she might have testicular tissue inside her as well as ovarian tissue, and it's possible she could be fertilizing her own eggs. Either way you look at it it's pretty weird," Sweet said.Unlike the biblical account of Jesus' birth and the Virgin Mary, "in nature, during parthenogenesis, it typically is always a female that is produced," Sweet said.

Hmmm...I have heard lots of people saying that GOD is a woman...but I had never heard the theory that JESUS was a woman! : )

I can't take it any more. For the last 2 weeks I have had horrible headaches (no, don't anyone get upset...i know exactly why they are happening and it is nothing life threatening) and I just can't take another day of it. Today was a wonderful day in a really fun, active, interesting, polite class and I didn't enjoy it nearly as much as I should have because my head was throbbing all day long. That is the last straw. I'm done with it. Tomorrow starts my headache free days. Now if I could just get rid of the one I have now so that I could enjoy my evening...

I have jury duty on November 25th. Ugh. It wouldn't be so bad, but I have to drive a gazillion miles to get there because Riverside County is HUGE. Oh well.

Begin The Countdown..... stolen from Joie and put down in no particular order within each category.

Ten movies you'd watch over and over:
1. The Princess Bride
2. The Matrix
3. Shawshank Redemption
4. Dogma
5. Buffy, the Musical
6. A Chrismas Story
7. The Stand
8. Stand By Me
9. Clerks
10. Zoolander

Nine people you enjoy the company of:
1. Mikey (hubby)
2. Joie (friend)
3. Amy (cousin)
4. Mom (duh...)
5. Shanta (sister)
6. Angie (friend)
7. Inge (friend)
8. Brooks (brother)
9. myself

Eight things you're wearing:
1. glasses
2. wedding ring
3. engagement ring
4. hair tie
5. white teeshirt
6. grey short shorts
7. undies
8. bra

Seven...
um...what happened to #7, Joie??? : ) I will use the one that I saw Dax use for 7.
Seven things on your mind
1. Conan O'brian (on tv)
2. my broken laptop
3. what's for dinner
4. getting a job for tomorrow
5. the peanut stuck in my throat...cough, cough
6. working on my scholarship essays
7. how uncomfy this desk really is for typing purposes

Six objects you touch everyday:
1. fridge
2. calendar book
3. cat meds
4. newspaper
5. computer
6. Mikey

Five things you do everyday:
1. wake up
2. pet my kitties
3. check my blog
4. brush my hair
5. eat

Four bands that you couldn't live without:
1. The Beatles
2. Indigo Girls
3. Matchbox 20
4. Dido

Three of your favorite songs at this moment:
1. California by Joni Mitchell (Blue)
2. In The End by Linkin Park (Hybrid Theory)
3. Beautiful Thing by Sister Hazel (Fortress)

Two people that have influenced your life the most:
1. Grandma Howder
2. Dad

One person that you love more than anyone in the world:
1. Mikey

I was moved to tears this morning by a moment in time. I was subbing in a wonderful little 2nd grade class and they were working on an independent project. There was the low murmur of voices and I was seriously in my "teacher mode". I finished answering someones question and as I turned to the next person it struck my just how much I love being in a room filled with eager young minds working. I was completely in my element. I couldn't be happier. (Unless I could get Mikey interested in teaching and team teach with him...) I was listening to the child's question and tears welled up in my eyes. It took me a moment to recover. I was overwhelmed with greatfulness at being allowed to do the thing I was meant to do. That has never happened to me in quite that way before. It was a wonderful experience.

Movies from the Friday Five

1. What is the first movie you ever remember seeing? How old were you? What
I remember going to see ET in the theater. I was young...I don't know for sure how old. When did ET come out anyway? I went with my father and my Aunt Kate. My memorie of it is that I was very scared by some part, probably the guys in the HazMat suits chasing ET and Elliot at the end and my father had to take me out to the car while my aunt finished watching. To this day my thoughts of ET are colored by that. I have seen it many times since, but I always think of it as a scary movie and I hesitate to see it.

2. What is/are your favorite movie(s)? Briefly, tell us why.
Hmmm...there are so many good ones. I liked Signs, The Princess Bride, The Matrix, Dogma, Austin Powers, Sixth Sense, Big Daddy, and Steel Magnolias. As you can see...there are quite a few different genres there. A movie is enjoyable to me if it makes me laugh, makes me cry or makes me think. Or any combination of the three.

3. What movie character do you identify the most with? Why?
I have absolutely no idea. In just about any movie I can find someone to relate to, but I don't think I have a specific character who I identify with overall.

4. What was the best film adaptation of a book or something else you read?
I really liked the way they did Stephen King's "The Stand". I loved the book and I thought they did a really good job of keeping true to it. Especially with the characters. Most of them were exactly how I pictured them in my head! Otherwise, I usually prefer the book. For example, "The Princess Bride" is a wonderful, romantic fairy tale. The book is AMAZING tho. WAY better than the movie. That is how it usually goes.

5. What movie are you most looking forward to seeing this summer?
Well, summer is just about over! I was most looking forward to seeing "Signs" and when I did, I loved it. It was SCARY and very, very thought provoking. Mikey and I talked non-stop for hours about all the possible meanings behind different aspects of the story. One of the best movies I have seen lately. And it was the kind of scary that I like...lots and lots of build-up with very little actual scary stuff...you just KNOW that something bad is going to happen...and it does, but not for a loooooooong time! : ) Go see it, you'll see what I mean.

Subbed in a mellow 4th grade class for the morning and a wound up 5th grade class for the afternoon. A good day, fairly quiet. Lots of tests and individual activities. Tonight I babysit. Mondays are so loooooooooong for me! : )

I did some more job whoring this afternoon...stopped in to chat with one of the teachers that I knew. Mentioned that I had talked to the principal about an opening that they might have and she said she would tell him how wonderful I was. Don't know if it will help, but it certainly can't hurt! Keeping my fingers crossed.

Wow. That was fun! Mikey's dad drove fast and now my face is windburned. We had a yummy lunch and got to see lots of sailboats. Next time we go down to visit them, I am going to get my father-in-law to take me out on the motorcycle. I have been wanting to do that for a long time, but I am never appropriately dressed...shorts or a skirt or whatever. Next time I will remember to bring my jeans. I can't believe that none of the kids in Mikey's family got the need for speed. Tom is a speed junkie! He used to be a fighter pilot. Well, I am a speed junkie too. A little! : ) A cowardly speed junkie you might say.

This afternoon we went to the Latin Fest in Old Town. It was very small and very hot and we didn't stay long. Those street fair things are a lot more fun when you have lots of money to spend on cheap jewelry and face painting and food. We didn't have lots of money. Oh well. It was too hot to be outdoors for long anyway. My head was throbbing after 10 minutes. Altho, Mikey tells me that this is NOT something that happens to everyone. Does your head hurt if you are out in the sun too long? Mine always does and it always has. It hurts if I get too cold, too. And if I am too tired, sleep too long, too lazy or too upset. Basically, I have to keep a happy medium to be headache free. Such is life in Solee's head.

I am off to bed. We are getting up early to go boating with Mikey's parents. If we are lucky (and we usually are) they will buy us a meal while we are down there. Hooray for free food! : ) Hooray for boating, too. I like when the boat goes FAST!

Today I did an experiment with my SIMS. I gave them free reign over their own actions. I let them do exactly what they wanted to do at all times. When I started the experiment, both adults had jobs and both kids were getting B+ or better in school. By the end, both kids were in military school and both adults had starved to death. They simply didn't go to school or work. They were very, very happy. Until a thief came in and stole all their money and many of their valuables. Then they quickly got hungry. I am just glad the little tykes got sent off to military school before they could starve to death, too.

Some people just fit stereotypes. They fit so well that you can clearly see how the stereotype came about. They are real, live caricatures. Our waiter this afternoon was a perfect charicature of the "gay waiter". He had the high, whispy voice and the kind of mincing walk. His clothes were crisp and clean and covered with a long white apron. He had an accent and he carried the plates up at shoulder height at his sides instead of waist height out in front of him. At one point he askes us if we wanted more salsa. We both said no. He brought some out anyway, telling me "You said no, but HE (meaning Mikey) said yes with his eyes". Hello??? With his eyes? Salsa? It was funny.

Now don't get me wrong...I don't think stereotypes are accurate. I have yet to meet an actual gay person who acted this way. And I have absolutely NO idea if this man was gay or not, but the presence of a character I had previously only seen on "Kids in the Hall" (very funny Canadian version of SNL) was amusing to me.

D.O.L (Daily Oral Language) question for the day:

"Fact or Fantasy?
The fairy flew in through the open window."

Discussion regarding this question:

me "Okay, fact or fantasy?"
class "Fact!"
me "Now remember, fact is something that happens in real life and fantasy is only in our imagination."
student #1 "Fact!"
me "Are fairies real or imagined?"
student #1 "Real."
student #2 "Yeah, what about the tooth fairy?"
me *speechless* "Weeellll....."

What would YOU have done? Here is a classroom where at least 50% of the students obviously still believe in the tooth fairy and santa claus and the easter bunny. And in the name of language arts I had to tell them that fairies were not real. Ugh. *I* still believe in Santa Claus! This was a horrible experience! I can just imagine some of these kids all grown up telling someone about the evil sub who destroyed their belief system as a child! : )

My first day back in a classroom in 3 months was yesterday. I was actually a little nervous. I have been having a small crisis of faith in my ability to teach. However, the whole day went very well and I remember why I liked subbing. I am still hoping that some miraculous full time (heck, even 50% if it is my OWN class) position becomes available. We'll see. In the meantime I will be amused by other teachers' classes. Like yesterday, right before going out to pick the kids up from lunch recess I went to the bathroom. While there I looked to make sure my hair was okay and all that. When I got the kids inside, I commented on how they looked like they had fun and ran around in the sun. One of the boys said "You look like you ran around too. Your hair is messy." Ugh. Kids are so HONEST. The sad thing was, I thought it looked fine!

Hee hee...Joie made a funny movie! : )

I have lots of parents. This in not so unusual now, but when I was a kid it was difficult to explain to my friends how the whole divorced/remarried thing worked. (Several of them eventually got to experience it first-hand, I'm sorry to say.) As I mentioned in my list of 100 things about me, I have my mom, my dad, my father and my step-mother. They are all wonderful and they have all played an enormous role in making me who I am today. Each one can be credited with at least one of my more endearing characteristics...Mom taught me how to be patient and empathetic (no, not Pathetic - that I learned all on my own!), Dad gave me my love for reading and for teaching, my father gave me a wacky sense of humor and creativity, and my step-mother taught me that being organized and making lists is in fact a FUN thing! They each gave me some less than endearing qualities too...I tend to let people take advantage of my willingness to help and empathize, I can be moody and impatient, I have a hard time following thru on my creative endeavors and I sometimes require monster stickers for my crabbiness. It has been a blessing to have so many inspiring people in such important roles in my life. I wouldn't trade any of them for anything.

It wasn't always easy to have so many parents tho. I didn't always appreciate them all the way I do now. I went thru the "you aren't my dad" thing with my dad when I was a teenager. I took advantage of feelings of guilt. I spent much of my time trying to sort out who all these adults were to me and how they fit into my life. I missed people alot. When I was with one family, I wasn't with the other. When I was with one family, I talked about the other constantly. I listened for the phone to ring on the promised day to no avail. I gave up listening and expected disappointment. I daydreamed about my parents getting back together (mostly because that is what everyone in the books wanted, I think...I don't remember ever desperately wanting it to really happen...what would have happened to my siblings?? interesting...) I cried the night before I switched homes...for no apparent reason. I didn't even know why I was so sad. It was just emotionally overwhelming to settle into a routine and then have it changed so dramatically. I played two different people. I was Solee Bonkoski - eldest of four, responsible, mature, well behaved most of the time and Solee Hunt - only child, spoiled, mischevious, challenging part of the time. I had to remember where I was and what role I was in at all times. I didn't really - but at the time I felt it very important to do so.

I had it easy. I don't remember the early days of that divorce. What I can remember is that I never felt forced into doing anything, I never felt compelled to do either parents dirty work. If they had problems, they kept me out of it. I am greatful for that and I mourn for every child who doesn't have that. I had a hard time dealing with divorce under the best of circumstances. I can't even imagine what must be going on in the heads of those who have to bear the brunt of their parents' anger and pain as well as their own.

Eventually, I grew up and figured out how to juggle so many relationships and accept my parents for who they are. I had things all worked out. I knew what was going on. I was happy. And then it happened all over again. My mom and my dad are now divorcing and I am again in the position of having to re-balance relationships. Re-organize my life in an attempt to give each what they need while still getting what I need. More people thrown into the mix, more anger and pain. I am not able to explain my reactions or feelings regarding this new break-up nearly as well. It took me 20-odd years to come to terms with the first one! All I can say is that anybody who thinks it is a good idea to stay together "for the kids" with the idea that it will be easier for them when they are older is a fool. It isn't easier. It is NEVER easier. It is scary and painful and confusing to see a marriage break-up. The only thing scarier and more confusing is seeing your parents continue to live a lie. Kids aren't dumb. They know when there is a problem and living in a household rife with constant tension is no better for them than juggling two families. So, I am glad that all my parents are living the lives they feel they need. I am glad I have the parents I have. I am glad to be who I am today and I wouldn't be that person if I hadn't dealt with divorce. But collectively, it has been the most diffucult and painful aspect of my life. I guess that makes me a pretty lucky person.

I also drove around begging for jobs today. Okay, so it wasn't that bad...but it's getting there. I went to a couple of schools that still have a job or two open and I arranged to meet with the principals and begged them to look at my application. I have no idea if there is any hope, but I can't hurt my chances any! : ) Keep your fingers crossed for me, please.

DANG!!! I finally give in and agree that I should once more attempt to jump thru the hoops involved in becoming a sub in another nearby school district (not something I am crazy about doing and a district that I previously had much trouble contacting and dealing with) and what happens? They move the office! I really feel like someone out there is telling me to give this whole thing up!! But I refuse. I am going to find that district office and I am going to fill out their rediculous application papers and I am going to schedule an orientation and NOBODY (omnipotent or not) is going to stop me. So there. I didn't go thru what I went thru yesterday for nothing. DANG.

I dislike fighting with my loved ones and am greatly relieved when it is over and we have made up.

I'm sorry. I love you.

Ugh...an hour of filing for Financial Aid via computer and now my head hurts. I just wanna go to school...why does it have to be hard? bleh.

HEY!!! September 21 - 28 is banned book week! Go check out the list of 100 Most Challenged Books from 1990 to 2000. It says "banned" but it really means books that people have complained about the most. I agree that some of these books are not appropriate for children, but the scary thing is...many of the ones that have been challenged are about and for children (Bridge to Tarabithia). People are so afraid that their kids might find out about bad things. You can't shelter them forever, you know. That just makes them stupid.

So, how many of these subversive books have you read?? I have read at least 32 of them, many as an impressionable teenager. No wonder I am so screwed up!! : ) I am baffled by number 88, however. Go laugh at the list and then pick out one to read in celebration of your Constitutional right to read whatever the hell you want and support authors who write whatever the hell they want. Hooray for reading.

Here's a little something for my father...I know he will appreciate it. This is a quote by an unknown person that I keep seeing in my readynotes (they run little quotes at the bottom of the screen)...

"BASIC programmers never die, they just GOSUB and don't RETURN."

hee hee hee hee

*this was written last night and never posted...

I hate being sick. I dislike forced inactivity. If it is my choice to be lazy and do nothing, then great! If I can't do anything because I am incapable of standing up, not so great. This morning I was incapable of standing up. My stomache hurt so much all I could do was curl up in a fetal position. (Good thing it is still possible to read while in the fetal position or I would have been really miserable!) This went away by about lunchtime. My head hurt all day. Migraine kind of hurt where nothing could make it stop and sound were magnified and standing up too quickly made me want to throw up. Ugh. All day. This is something that happens to me for a couple days every month. I don't know about other women's migraines, but mine are very tied into my menses. Around dinner time, Mikey told me to take something (I normally just deal or sleep it off because I have seen how de-sensitized my mom has become to pain medication with her migraines and I am hoping to put that off as long as possible) and I am very glad that I did because at 6:05 I suddenly remembered that I was supposed to be babysitting two boys at 6:30. I had just enough time to change into presentable clothes and jump into my car! I am writing this after spending the evening with those two guys and I am feeling pretty good. Thank God for Aleve!

I stayed up until 12 playing Sims. I am just using the "get started and learn how to do things" house right now. So far my girl has gotten ticked cause the toilet seat is always up, started a fire with the grill and slapped the guy for trying to kiss her. My guy has left dirty dishes on the floor, danced like a dork and fallen asleep several times in the recliner. Sounds pretty normal. : ) My next step is to make models of Mikey and myself and see what happens. I think I will make kids with the personalities of our kitties too. You know, they will climb on the tables and wake us up at 5:30 in the morning for breakfast. Hee hee. I meant that as a joke, but kids would totally do that. Yikes.

I hate flies. And that buzzing noise they make that means they are getting their disgusting little germs all over my house. It is fly season here in Temecula and it seems like they all hatched at once. In MY pepper tree. It is the biggest tree in my backyard and even from inside I can hear it HUM with flies. GROSS! The stupid things keep banging themselves up against my screen doors hoping to get inside. You can't go into the backyard without lettting a couple of them in. My poor plants have been very neglected out there because of this. I hate flies.

On a brighter note, I also have a mated pair of Mourning Doves that live in my backyard. This summer they nested and hatched a pair of babies. This morning the babies were apparently old enough to be tossed out of the nest, but not old enough to actually fly because they were waddling around on my back deck. Momma came down and was mobbed by the youngsters looking for lunch. She gave them a few moments of attention before taking off. I looked out later this afternoon and couldn't see them anywhere. Either they figured out how those wings work or they found a good hiding spot. Good thing because there are some mangy looking strays that wander thru from time to time.

I have a new program called ReadyNotes. It is like a jazzed up Notepad. It allows me to write these little ramblings while offline and then cut and paste them into place. It also gives me a place to keep my addresses, to do lists, important dates, etc. all in one place that is easy to edit and very personalized. It is currently in the beta testing stage and I have won a free copy of the completed version because I spotted a bug! Hooray for beta testing. That isn't what I wanted to tell you tho. Each time I think of something to write I start a new page and usually give it a brief, one word title. This one is called "readynotes". Others are "fighting", "contest", "party", "Sims"...you get the idea. Anyway, when I am done and I have uploaded the thought to my blog I delete that page. It always asks me "Do you really want to delete _____?" inserting the title of the page. I have deleted some interesting things in the past few days. Fighting, nightmares, insults, peace, you name it! Okay, so that wasn't all that interesting. I thought it was amusing. Leave me alone. In fact, go download ReadyNotes. If you find a bug and tell him about it, he'll give you a free copy. Free is good. www.readynotes.com Enjoy.

I don't like to fight. I don't like argumentative disagreements. I am not opposed to disagreement, just the kind where the two sides get angry at instead of interested in the other person's point of view. I don't like bad feelings and I will do whatever it takes to smooth things over in most situations. I am a peacemaker. I am not ashamed of that nor do I feel the need to change when I am accused of running away from or avoiding a fight. That is often exactly what I am doing. Because the people who are going to accuse me of that are the same people who aren't really going to listen to or respect what I am saying anyway. Why waste my breath? That doesn't make me a coward. That makes me smart enough to choose my battles.

Mikey is in another 48 hour contest. This one is very very informal. No prizes at all. In fact, not even any judging. It is all an excuse for the programmers to get together, chat, and encourage each other. When they aren't fighting about which is better: PC or Mac. This one was started by Mikey 'cause he had a game idea and wanted to be properly motivated to finish it quickly. He has been working hard all weekend and there is a fairly polished little game happening here. It is somewhat like Yahtzee in that you roll dice and come up with combinations for points. However, in this version there are different combos and your dice are held or thrown by ducks. Yes, ducks. Very cute ones. One of them is wearing a crown. Adorable. I have no idea if he is going to do a demo (it's pretty small to begin with!) but if he does I will tell you all to go get it. Then you will all fall in love with it and want to buy it so that I can pay my mortgage. Good plan, huh? : ) I thought so, too.

Last night I went to a party. My friend Angie was celebrating her 6th anniversary so I went over for burgers and some conversation. I got lots of both. She has awsome friends who quickly accepted me in the group. It was fun. I stayed out late. (okay, not really, i was home and in bed by 11pm, but it felt late. shut up.)

My darling husband bought me Sims because he knows I have been wanting it since forever. I have SimCity, SimTower, SimIsland, SimSafari and who knows what else. However I can't get my Great Deal, Mighty Fine, Sight Of Beauty laptop to install it. In fact, this afternoon I got to watch it run a scan disk of each cluster individually. There were over a million clusters. FUN, FUN, FUN!!!! I love this Pretty Outta Site computer so much!!! : )

You know how I said my dreams are most often clearly related to things I worry about during the day? How they are easily translated? Well, two examples...

One
A couple of nights ago, I had a dream about my dad. It was all wrapped up in a very long, very strange epic (how they usually are) but the thing I remember most was that when I first saw him he was walking around outside in one of those swimsuits with the skirt-like ruffle. It was black with white polka-dots. I remember thinking "That is just strange." But I decided that if that is what he wanted to do, then so be it. Later, I saw him again and he was wearing a milkmaid's outfit, complete with the long, blonde braids that belong on someone named "Hilda" or the like. Again, I thought it was very strange. And again, I wasn't embarrassed or upset or anything. I was just glad that he was happy. (Both times he was dancing and singing and having a good time.)

I'm sure you are all picturing my dad as a very wierd guy right now. He's not. But he has been unhappy and he has been doing things that I thought were very strange and unexplainable. However, I have apparently been coming to terms with things. I still don't understand what he is doing or why, but I know that he has the right to make whatever choices he makes and that it is more important for him to be comfortable than for me to understand.

Two
Night before last I had a dream that I was back in my old high school. I forget why. But for some reason I brought my big, fat kitty, Huzzah, with me. I knew he shouldn't be there, but I brought him anyway. At some point he started getting tired of me holding him. He was so frantic to get down that he was scratching and biting my arms. I finally had to let him go and he ran off. I had to go to a certain room and do some work for a teacher there. While I was working I looked out the window and saw Huzzah under the tree. He was lying on his back and sunning himself. I thought (like I do when he does this around the house) "Aww...how cute". A minute later I looked out again only to see him lying in the middle of the street. As I looked a car came up and ran him over. I started screaming and crying and being upset because I knew it was my fault since I brought him to school with me and then let him go. Suddenly there was a scene change and I was sitting in a bus, still crying. A couple of kids looked back and started to giggle. I thought they didn't understand and sobbed to them that someone had just run over my cat. They started to laugh and point at me. I was so upset I was nearly hysterical. At that point Mikey woke me up because I was moaning in my sleep. I was so freaked out by the dream that I had to find Huzzah and make sure he was okay before I could get back to sleep.

This dream happened because I have been feeling guilty about getting upset with Huzzah lately. He is unhappy with his diet and is acting out in strange ways. He keeps scratching the furniture (granted, that isn't so strange for a cat), going on my table, and attacking Zazzy (the other kitty) or eating her food. I keep having to holler at him and I have been worried that he is going to start avoiding me because of it. Last night, while I was reading he snuggled up next to me and patted me on the arm. I think we are okay! : )

I've seen this all over the place...let's see how long this takes me...

100 Things About Me

1. I am 24.
2. I have been married for 1 month and 1 week.
3. I met my husband online.
4. I have 1 sister and 2 brothers.
5. I don't see them often enough.
6. My cats are named Huzzah and Pizzazz.
7. I am a substitute teacher.
8. I have known I wanted to be a teacher since I was in elementary school.
9. I learned to read when I was three.
10. I used to read by the light of the fishtank after I was put to bed.
11. I have worn glasses since I was about 8.
12. My first pair were pink plastic.
13. I don't want to have kids.
14. My father wishes I would change my mind and make him a grandfather.
15. I have many parents.
16. My mother is a doctor.
17. My father works with computers.
18. They were divorced before I was a year old.
19. My mother remarried shortly after that.
20. My dad (step) is a musician and a teacher.
21. They are in the process of divorcing.
22. My father remarried when I was 8.
23. My step-mother is a pastor.
24. She is not evil, but we like to joke that she is.
25. They recently had a foreign exchange student stay with them for a year.
26. It's a good thing he was so cool, because I wasn't keen on sharing.
27. I went to Kauai for 10 days.
28. If I had to live somewhere besides SoCal it would be there.
29. I don't want to live in MN.
30. I do want my family to be closer.
31. They won't move.
32. They did come to my wedding.
33. I wrote my own wedding vows.
34. I meant every word.
35. I have two friends here in Temecula.
36. I wish I had a few more.
37. I am moody.
38. I used to be very aggressive and argumentative.
39. I don't like how I sound when I am mad.
40. I worked really hard to tame my temper while I was in high school.
41. It still lurks under the surface.
42. I sucked my middle and ring fingers of my right hand when I was a baby.
43. When my mom told me it was time to stop, I did.
44. I like my toes.
45. I rarely wear polish of any kind.
46. In fact, I rarely wear any make-up at all.
47. I do use lotion.
48. Raspberry flavored is the best.
49. I root for the Mets when I think of baseball.
50. That isn't very often.
51. My cats are cuter than any other.
52. Sometimes they have bad dreams.
53. I had to weed the garden as a kid.
54. And pick beans.
55. I hated it and said I would never grow anything.
56. I grow tomatoes, watermelon, corn, peppers, flowers, and anything else I can manage not to kill.
57. I eat tomatoes in any way, shape or form except in spanish rice.
58. I also don't like the smell of Worchestershire sauce or Apple Cider Vinegar.
59. My dad used to have me gargle with ACV when I had a sore throat.
60. Ick. I would rather be sick.
61. My husband thinks that I am stubborn.
62. He is right.
63. However, I also know that you catch more flies with honey than you do apple cider vinegar.
64. I wrote and mailed my thank you cards promptly.
65. I have an infatuation with calendar organizers.
66. I buy a new one every August.
67. It is really hard for me to find one I like because so many of them start in January.
68. I will NOT buy one that starts in January.
69. I love children's books.
70. I just bought "The Wind in the Willows", "My Side of the Mountain", "Charlotte's Web" and "Harriet the Spy" at the library bookstore for $1.50.
71. I am a volunteer at the library bookstore.
72. My first day is next Tuesday.
73. I am facinated by autism.
74. I like to make lists.
75. Then I lose them.
76. I bought a wedding planner and didn't use it.
77. I love sunflowers and gerbera daisies.
78. My name means sun angel in French.
79. I am not French.
80. I am currently reading Orwell's "1984" and J.D.Robb's "Seduction in Death".
81. I am lazy.
82. I am also a compulsive cleaner.
83. That is a dangerous mix.
84. My dreams are easily interpreted and usually directly related to the stresses in my life.
85. I relate well to musical lyrics.
86. I once had a man cheat on me.
87. That was the second most painful thing I have ever been through.
88. Dealing with the divorces in my life is the first.
89. They both made me stronger.
90. I have worked as a telemarketer, a waitress, a deli clerk, a medical records clerk, a dishwasher and a teacher.
91. The only ones I was any good at were dishwashing and teaching.
92. I have felt betrayed by many of the men in my life.
93. I have rebuilt relationships with most of them.
94. The two people I trust most are my husband and my mother.
95. That doesn't mean I don't trust anyone else.
96. In fact, I leave myself very open and unprotected most of the time.
97. Sometimes that gets me hurt.
98. I don't regret it.
99. I watch too much TV.
100. I love to talk about myself.

Wow. That was fun. I could keep going, but I won't torture you. That took me...45 minutes...longer than I thought. Anything in there surprise you?

My life is so good it is scary. I have so much to be thankful for.
My husband and best friend, Mikey.
My health.
My wonderful family, newly extended to my in-laws.
My perfect little house.
My adorable and adoring kitties.
My job.
My material possessions, of which I have way too many.
My friends.
My life. It is just so good right now. I sometimes feel guilty that I have so much and feel so happy, when there are people who are very close to me who have less money, less health, less joy. But to not appreciate it would be a waste. So I will bask in my happiness and do what I can to share it with everyone.

"If all my luck ran out tomorrow,
I'd have to say that I had had my share.
Enough to balance out the sorrow.
Enough to say that I'm a little scared."
***i can't remember who sang this...and the tape is in the car. oh well. it'll come to me.***

Ahh. Last night I had the pleasant company of not just one, but two real live, wonderful women who make up my circle of friends here in SoCal. It was so nice to have company over, sitting and eating and talking about any number of things. We are still at the point where we don't know much about each other, but with each passing dinner party that changes a little bit. We make such an interesting group. One married several years with a couple of kids, one newly married and one single. Ranging from early 20s to early 30s. We come from very different backgrounds, but there are so many similarities too. I really like these ladies and I am thrilled to have some face to face interaction with my own friends. I have been missing that. The last time I really had a girlfriend or two to hang out with was 3 years ago. It's about time I started making some new friends!

Actually, that was me signing off...but it is also what I am searching for, I guess. Doubly appropriate.

I am attempting to find a few online communities in which I feel comfortable and where I can learn about some of the things I am interested in. I have added tons of webrings to my sidebar. Check them out if you are interested...mostly books, teaching, and non-violence. I have no idea if they are good or not...they are simply there so that I can find them when I have time to look at them more deeply. I'm sure they will disappear and new ones appear as I find what it is I am searching for. Peace.

dinner party tonight. i have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off. grocery store, library (i am going to volunteer in my spare time), back home to clean and whatnot. it's fun. we are having ribs from the crockpot, wild rice salad, and breadsticks. then we will top it all off with homemade strawberry ice cream. yum.

mmm. i got a new griddle from the in-laws and this morning i made my sweetie pancakes. he liked them even tho he had to make an emergency run to the store for syrup while they were cooking. mmm.

I always consider myself a light sleeper. I musta been tired last night, because I slept through a 4.something earthquake that woke Mikey up and rattled a couple things in my house. Didn't hear a thing. I have managed to do that with every little shake that has happened since I moved out here. I am NEVER going to feel an earthquake. The one that is big enough to actually wake me up will probably kill me first! : ) Ah, well. Maybe next time.

damn it. i am incredibly disappointed in myself right now. i did what i told myself i wouldn't do and started taking things personally. damn it.

I am going back to school. I will be taking one class a month towards receiving my Special Education certification. This is an area I have always been interested in and that I have enjoyed when I have been working in it. I am very excited. I will also be fulfilling the requirements for renewing my teaching certification when it comes due. Two birds with one stone is even better! Now I can stop feeling sorry for myself and my lack of a teaching position. I would hate to be trying to teach my first year and do classes! The next step for me is applying for loans and scholarships in an attempt to be able to pay for this massive undertaking! : )

Okay...JB challenged us to name all 5 of the freedoms listed in the first amendment...here is my attempt...

1. freedom of speech
2. freedom of the press
3. freedom of religion
4. uh...4...hmm...

okay...so 3 is all I can do. I went to Acidman's blog and found out that the other two are

4. freedom to petition the government
5. freedom to assemble

Also, I had them in a different order. I guess that would have been a failing grade. Damn. We have been having lots of discussion over freedom of religion these days on many blogs. I am going to ask a question over on Hooked that will hopefully dispel some of my own personal confusion on the matter. Go check it out...