Speaking of the 3rd graders...one of them looked EXACTLY like my brother tyson when he was that age. I am talking identical twin...he had the face shape and the cowlick in the front of his hair and even made the same faces and gestures. It was strange. I told him that and he agreed..."that's wierd", he said. I don't know why, but that struck me as funny. I guess there is something to the idea that we all have an identical twin running around somewhere. Last year I used to go into classrooms as a sub for the first time and have kids saying "hey! we remember you!". It happened lots of times. Even a teacher thought so one time. I think there was a sub who looked a lot like me. I wonder if my whole family is cloned and wandering around in southern California. I will keep you posted.

Today I was in a 3rd grade classroom. I like to play a game called "If" in any downtime that occurs. I ask an open ended question starting with "If..." and each child has a chance to answer if they want to. (Ex. "If you could have any animal in the world as a pet, what would you choose?") I actually have a book with lots of these questions in it but it is more fun to explain it and then let the kids come up with questions. They love it. Not only do they get to talk about themselves and their feelings and opinions, but everyone in the room is listening while they do it! Very few (usually the REALLY shy ones) choose not to participate. I usually ask them to explain their answers and try to give some brief feedback. It is a great way to have a moment of one on one time with each child. Even tho it is short, they thrive on it. Try it sometime when you have time to kill and a bunch of kids (or even just one) to entertain!

There is nothing so scary as a late night phone call. I have received enough of them in the past year that I have become desensitized to a certain extent. But the one last night was scary. Largely because it was bad news. My mom called to let me know that there was a fire happening on our property. Luckily, no one was hurt and none of the buildings were damaged but I was shaken. Fire is one of my biggest fears. It isn't debilitating, I can still cook and enjoy a bonfire and whatnot, but I always have a primal, caveman-like fear just below the surface. It is so hot and alive. And it is one of the natural disasters that can not only damage your belonging, but actually make them cease to exist. You can pick up te pieces after and earthquake or a tornado but after a fire you have to sweep up the ashes and start over. I was frightened. But last I heard the fire was nearly out and everything was okay. *deep sigh of relief*

Well, it has started. I had my first dream about the wedding last night. I was relieved that it was not a scary, I-can't-do-this kind of dream. First of all it wasn't really my wedding we were doing...it was us but nothing that I have picked out was in it so when things didn't go right it didn't really bother me. And second of all, I wasn't upset by anything that happened. I tripped on the stairs and thought "no problem". Things like that. I am interested to see just how often I have these dreams in the next couple of months.

I almost got hit by a car on my way to school today. Some woman on a CELL PHONE wasn't paying attention and started to change into the lane I was already occupying. Ugh. I was irritated enough to actually honk, something I don't usually do if someone is just drifting or whatever. I understand that sometime you get distracted. But I HATE cell phone drivers. I have seen more near accidents with them involved. I mean no offense to anyone reading this who might drive and chat at the same time, but it is so unsafe and I hate it. I want to get me one of those bumperstickers that says "HANG UP AND DRIVE!" If something is that important then pull over and conduct your business. Otherwise wait until you are at your destination!

Today I had a pretty easy little group of preschoolers. There were 12 of them most of the day, but they were pretty well behaved. It seems like there is always at least one who thinks that you (you being anyone who isn't MOM) have absolutely no right to tell them what to do in any situation. I had one today who was taking toys away from her friends and when I made her stop she said 12% of her brain in the classroom and the other 88% somewhere in the ionosphere. She didn't even realize I was talking to her unless I was right in front of her face and actually touching her in some way. Otherwise I might as well have stayed home! Unfortunately, this was also my hitter/kicker/biter. I had to stay pretty close! But not too close! : ) Ah, kids. They are so much fun! Kidding, actually I had a lot of fun today. We played with playdough and got to spend much of the day outside in beautiful sunshine. Who could ask for more?

I came on hoping that I would think of something profound to type, but I am full and tired and I think I am going to go read in bed instead. Sorry! Back to work tomorrow so at least I might come up with some amusing stories to share. Little ones are so funny! Peace.

Wanna know a secret? I like hotdogs. I used to defend myself by saying I only ate them at ballparks with lots of relish and ketchup. But that just isn't the truth. I LIKE hotdogs. I should really know better. My grandfather used to work for the government inspecting meat packing plants. Trust me...you should NOT eat hotdogs. But I still do. How embarassing.

Memorial Day. This day has never really meant much to me. I suppose I should be ashamed to admit that, but I don't feel like I am the only one guilty of this crime. My whole generation has grown up not knowing what it was like to be in a war (and no, I don't think the "Gulf War" counts). This is a good thing, but it makes us take our homes and our cars and our freedoms and our friends and our lives for granted. We don't feel strongly about this day because very few of us know anyone who has died fighting for our country.

This is a particularly hard holiday for me because I am vehemently against war and fighting in general. As I repeat over and over in the daycare..."use your words, not your hands". I understand that there are bullies out there who are not going to respond to discussion and rational attempts to solve problems, but I truly think that as a society, hell - as a world, we are too quick to back our words up with big sticks. So it is hard for me to justify celebrating war in any way. However, just because our leaders and government brainwash us into thinking that the only way out is guns and violence, doesn't mean that the men and women who volunteered to risk their lives (so that I can sit in my beautiful home, typing on my new laptop, discussing how strongly I disagree with our government) shouldn't be thanked and honored. Does that make any sense? It is a very thin line and one that I have a hard time balancing on.

Anyway, don't forget that today is more than a BBQ holiday. Go out and thank a veteran. And then pray to whatever deity you choose that someday we will have no need for a day like this. Peace be with you.

One of my houseplants is sad. I have been neglecting it lately and it is looking droopy and yellow. So this afternoon I put it out on one of the chairs on the front porch in the sun while I was in another chair reading. We had a good time and the sun was good for both of us. : )

I am feeling meloncholy today. My moods are very directly related to the amount of sunshine coming in my windows and today there is very little.

Speaking of broken communication...

My best friend from high school is getting married in a little over a month. This was one of those relationships that are just too good to describe. There I was, a freshman in high school and feeling very alone and feaky. There were no girls that I could really relate to. I could talk with them but there were no soul mates. Then one day I was walking down the hall and saw this new girl. My very first thought was "It is SO good to see her again. I have missed her." I had never seen her before. (Has this ever happened to any of you? This immediate recognition of a kindred? It has happened to me many times.) Within days she was my closest friend and we stayed that way thru graduation. But as often happens, we went seperate ways and neither of us was good about keeping in touch.
Anyway, I wrote her a little wedding card and it just wasn't enough. I ended up writing a 4 page letter telling her about the basics in my life and asking about hers. And telling her what a lifesaver she was to me in high school. All despite the fact that I know it isn't going to make us best friends again. And that makes me sad.

"Silence has become our only currency. You pay me and I'll be sure to pay you back." Jonatha Brooks
(this is the tape I have playing in my car these days, hence all the quotes)

It is so hard to keep communication up when it is one sided. I don't know about you but for me it all boils down to rejection. Either fear of being rejected when you reach out and attempt to re-build the communication or the feelings of rejection that come when you feel that someone has been lax in communicating with you. I guess it depends of who you feel is to blame.

All my life I have dealt with communication issues. I guess that is a given when you come from a "broken home". (I always thought that was a stupid phrase. Makes it sound like there is no way to recover from a divorce.) But when you have parental units in several different states it is difficult to keep the communication flowing properly. It is a balancing act. Even more so now than when I was a kid. Communication is hard.

"MTV is to music, what KFC is to chicken"

Lewis Black said that during one of his hilarious comedy shows. I laughed for the whole 1/2 hour. He is so sarcastic and sharp with his humour. And I totally think this particular quote is accurate! I just ate at KFC the other day and it was so disappointing. I feel the same when I used to turn to MTV for music videos. I have since learned that the only thing MTV is good for is it's reality programming. I am addicted to Real World, Tough Enough, Flipped, the Osbournes (my fevorite!) and sometimes even Cribs. But I do not go there looking for music.

"I'll jump to my conclusions, but I'll leap to your defense" Jonatha Brooks

Isn't this particularly true with siblings? My sister and I are great friends. That doesn't mean, however, that we see eye to eye on everything. When we are together for more than about a day we start to get on each others nerves...I'm too bossy and she's too sloppy. And when we are upset with each other we both jump to conclusions about how the other feels and what they are thinking. But if anyone tries to mess with her (particularly a guy) I am the first and most ferocious attacker. And she has done the same for me. My brothers fall in this same catagory. There isn't anyone in the world that I can get mad at as easily or that I would fight for as strongly.

A quiet day here at hacienda del sol. Woke up, had crepes (leftoever batter from yesterday), exercised, played on computer, watched a bad british mystery, here I am. I think I will go tend to the garden a bit. And I have to move the chairs that I put by the grill yesterday. The sprinklers filled them with water. I don't think that is good for them!

It's not nearly as fun the second time around...lets see what I can remember...

I was driving in a car with my mom and siblings. Mom stopped to use the bathroom at a mall and told my brothers, who were very young, to stay in their seatbelts in the front seat. I was in the back nearly asleep. I heard them get out of the car and run across the lane of traffic next to us. I woke up and chased them back into the car which had turned into one of those little battery-operated Jeep things that kids have. One of my brothers was now 15 and demanded to drive so I let him. It was icy and he said "so the trick to winter driving is to figure out which part of the car is safest to hit things with, right?" Eventually he ran into a building and I made him move over. By this time I can't open my eyes (a re-occuring theme for me...not being able to see) but I drive anyway. We are stopped at a red light and when I hear others start to go I do too. We start going up Soo Hill (a big hill in my home town) but the little Jeep can't do it, so I am walking/pushing it up the hill and I realize that it has turned into a motor bike with all my siblings on the back. Then I woke up.

I am really wondering right now what exactly does it mean that I am trying to win a race with my siblings on an ever shrinking vehicle? Weird. I think a therapist would have a field day with this dream. There are all kinds of references to things that I worry about and events in my life. Most of them are pretty vague but Brooks, if you are reading this - that was YOU driving. You are giving me nightmares! Slow down!!!!

That's it...I think I am going to try to write down more dreams and see what they tell us about my twisted little mind! : ) Peace!

oh for crying out loud. i don't know if it is the crappy laptop we have or the pathetic internet connection or the incompetent server...but something just ate my long post about my dream and Isha only knows where it will end up! Somewhere over the rainbow, no doubt! Grrrr.

Paid bills today and updated our budget spreadsheet. I am proud of us...last month we ended up with a positive balance! Hooray!

We went for a walk this afternoon. I love our neighborhood. Maybe it's because I was midwest born and raised, but I am continuously amazed at the beauty and hugeness of the mountains nearby. And as far as mountains go they aren't even very big! But boy are they great to look at. There is something comforting about looking around you and seeing solid rock on all sides...like being cradled as a child. I feel very safe here. The only thing that could improve my location is if the ocean were a little bit closer. I would be so happy to smell the salt water and hear the waves. Mikey and I talk about moving somewhere that would give us that someday but we are so happy in our little home that neither of us can think of anywhere that would be worth all the hassle of moving and starting over again. Anyway, the walk was very nice and we saw lots of little family life happening. A young couple playing with a baby, a son helping his mother, a gang of teenage boys biking and skateboarding and (shudder) riding scooters. It was nice.

Boy, I sound just sappy with contentment today don't I? I hope no one is gagging because of my posts...but I really am this happy these days. I know it won't last forever, so I am enjoying it while it is here! I am off to surf the web a bit and then I have a hot date with my man. Pizza and a movie at home. Joie, you aren't the only one too lazy to go out and make friends! And I think that is just fine! : )

i am trying to make links! cross your fingers! I was able to make links! Look to the left!
I wonder if I can make them in my posts too...

My Mikey is an at home game developer. He has his own company called Hamumu Software. I am very proud of the work he does! Check it out!

A brief interlude to comment of the more serious thoughts relating to my birthday...

Here I am a year older and hopefully a year's worth of wiser. Although I can't say that this has been the easiest year that I have dealt with, it was by no means the hardest and it has actually been one of the best. I hesitate to label it the best year ever since I have very little memory of my earliest years (i think they were pretty damn good!) but this has been a fabu year. I have deepened my relationship with one of the greatest people in the world...my Mikey. I have a new house and, unlike all those apartments I used to live in, it is a home. I have made new friends and gotten to know my new family members. I have learned so much - from cooking to teaching to dealing with my parents as fellow grown ups. I have been healthy and happy and I can't begin to be as greatful as I should be for all of this.

This post is for whatever higher being there might be out there...i assume that you know how to use the internet! Thank you so very much for everything that has come together to make my life the beautiful thing that it is. I have no idea how I got so lucky or how long this luck might last, but for this minute I am overwhelmed with joy and peace. May I always be thankful and may I always work hard to deserve all that I receive. Thank you.

And thank you to all the people in my life. My family, my friends, my siblings, my parents, my Mikey, my teachers, my coworkers...all of you. I couldn't possibly be so happy without all of you shining your lights into my life. I hope that I can at least begin to repay you all. "When the world is night, Shine my life like a light" Indigo Girls

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!

So am I getting annoying yet? Don't worry, it will all be over in less than 24 hours and things will go back to normal. Be patient!

I have lots of cool new toys! Let's see...
Thanks to Thom and Kathy for the new bookshelf. I am going to put it in the kitchen to provide a much needed home for my pots and pans and ever growing collection of cookbooks and magazines. Just as soon as I get Mikey to help me put it together!
Thanks to my Mom for that patio set. I love it!
Thanks to my Daddy for the acrylic frame with the beautiful butterflies in it. I don't know where I will put it yet. I think in the bedroom there is no art in there yet and it will be the perfect splash of color. Also for the Igrob poem. (For those of you who don't know, my Dad writes me a story or poem or something each year about a little creature named Isha who lives on rainbows. She and I have been friends since I was very small and most of the stories are accompanied by a picture or somehow tell me something about when I was very small. I adore them and look forward to them every year. I have been getting them since I was 12 so I have quite a collection now!)
Thanks to Mikey for the exercise stuff. I have a big can of peaches and a 5 pound bag of rice to help me keep my knees in good working order. And I have a new Dance Dance Revolution dance pad and a new set of DDR songs to exercise to. Now we can play in team mode!! For those of you who don't know what that is...it would take too long...maybe later! Mikey also painted me a great picture of angelfish in a tank. The whole thing is in primary colors and done in a very minimalistic style...all just enough lines so that you can tell what is going on. I love it!!! He also got me kitchen funnels, protective pads to go over the DDR pads and lots of Lik-em-aids and Airheads. Yum!!
Thanks to my Grandma Howder for all the little things I was able to get with your check! I got...a rolling pin, a meat thermometer, a digital kitchen timer, kitchen tongs for the grill, a DEEP ladle, a cutting board, a utility cart for carrying my things to and from school, and a summer dress. I had fun at K-mart!
Wow! Am I spoiled or what? It is like Christmas in May! I am off to enjoy the day with my Mikey. I think we are going to go to a movie...Star Wars or Spiderman? Any suggestions? Later!

hoorah! i should have comment ability now.

I am getting help from a fellow blogger so that I will have a comment button. That way if you are inspired to respond to something I say you can just post it instead of sending an e-mail. Because we all know that the fewer steps there are, the more likely it will be done!

I have received an early birthday gift! I was at the soon-to-be-nonexistent K-Mart yesterday lusting after this really nice patio set. I had enough to get it but I decided not to. (I spent my money on many smaller things instead of the one big purchase, so don't be thinking I was being thrifty or something smart like that!) My great mom and my fabulous Mikey conspired together and Mom got it for my birthday. Mikey went and picked it up and set it all up on the patio for me while I was working this afternoon (I know I said I had the day off...I am a sucker) and it was a special treat to eat dinner on it tonight. I am so happy. I have been wanting patio furniture forever!!!

I have also received several things - a box, an envelope and an e-mail - from my Daddy. I haven't opened any of them yet because he is a real stickler for the actual day! But first thing in the morning!!! Well, maybe right after I eat strawberry crepes on the new patio set! Life is GOOD.

I am reading the COOLEST book right now. It is so powerful and I am really enjoying the author's descriptions and word choice. It is a sad, angry book about Florida in the 1950's, with all its racial implications - murder, Klan, bombings, etc. I had never thought of Florida as a racist, southern state but I guess it was right up there at the top of that list! Just one more reason to hate Florida! Anyway, the book is called "Lay that Trumpet in our Hands" and it is written by Susan Carol McCarthy. It is a novel but it came from an 8 page letter that her father wrote her - describing things that happened and his own connection to them, so it is supposed to be very historically accurate. It talks about Thurgood Marshall and Harry Tyson Moore. And the whole thing is told from the perspective of a 13 year old girl who grew up in Florida in a very liberal, northern family. The whole book is just wonderful so far...I am about 2/3 through...and I strongly recommend it to anyone. It is a very quick, easy read as far as language, but it is just so DEEP. Like I said before...powerful. Read it.

I am not working today so my goal is to post here several times commenting on all the little things I have thought about in the last few days without having time to write them down. We'll see how it goes. Because my other goal is to get the house all cleaned up and put into perfect order so that I do't have to lift a finger tomorrow! This girl likes to make the most of her birthday! I am also going to figure out how to get comments posted on here if it is the last thing I do!

So what have I been thinking about these days? Can't remember. How sad. Oh well. I did realize that every aspect of my life is done the same way. My house, my teaching, my driving, my relationships...I do everything with basically the same formula. Figure out what is coming up, plan for it, prep everything as much as possible and be ready for the unexpected. I was driving and noticed that on my way to and from work, whereever that may be on any given day, I have the whole route planned out in my head and I am in the right lane as soon as it is available. I watching for crazy drivers (of which there are plenty around here!) and construction and whatever else might be around. Now if you ask Mikey I am paying attention to too many things at once and I am a scary driver (sometimes not paying attention to what he thinks is most important - the driver ahead of me) but I have been able to avoid accidents because I was watching the guy next to me or the kid on the sidewalk or whatever. AND I rarely get lost anymore. Anyway, the point is I run most of my life that way...plan, prep, be prepared. I know that is nothing special but I was surprised to see such a constant thread in what seems to me to be a hectic, chaotic existence most of the time!

I have to share the phoneline so I am going to be brief here. It is nearly my birthday. I am just like a 5 year old when it comes to christmas and birthdays. I love the suspence and the secrets and the pure joy I feel at these times. I don't even peek because I did that once when I was in highschool and it totally ruined it for me. I love to torture myself and thrive on the agony of waiting for that special day. I just have to get thru tomorrow and then I get all kinds of treats and fun. Mikey is making me special meals all day long and he has presents that he has been DYING to give me and I have things from my family to open. Exciting! Later I will tell you what a dork (in a completely wonderful way - in case she is reading this) my mom is. She is so funny! I adore her. Anyway...gotta free up the phone. Later!

My mother has migraine headaches. She gets them all the time and they are always really bad. But she works and she goes on with her plans most of the time as if nothing is happening. She goes to dinner even though she knows she may end up in the bathroom throwing up. She pushes on because she knows that if she stops every time her head hurts she would never get to live her life.
I have headaches too. Not nearly as often and not nearly as bad (it has been a long time since I had one that made me throw up) but even a low grade ache can be so hard on my day. All weekend I have had a headache that hasn't really stopped me from doing anything but has managed to take the fun out of everything I have tried. I even called and cancelled my job for tomorrow because I don't want to be responsible for students when I am feeling so ucky.
I was talking to my grandma and she told me that she has only had a few headaches in her entire life. That is a mind boggling concept to me. I have had several headaches a week for as long as I can remember. I wonder what is typical. Do most people have regular aches or are most people brain-pain free? For everyone else's sake I hope that no pain is the norm!

It has been gray and dreary here for the past several days and for someone who is solar powered that is a problem. I am completely lacking the drive to do anything. I feel listless and ornery. My head feels funny. I don't even feel like reading! I NEED THE SUN!!!! That is all.

I went down and looked at tables and chairs and linens and all kinds of things for the wedding today. It is good to have that done and no longer hanging over my head. Now Mikey and I have to get to work talking to people about who will read what and who will do what. We also need to start thinking about what we want to say in our vows. We are so close to being there it is a little scary! Not the getting married aspect, just the organizing and dealing with all my family all at one time! I love every one of them dearly, but all together they can be a little overwhelming! I am looking forward to it though. There are some people that I haven't seen in a very long time! Less than 90 days to go! I am counting the weeks and it won't be long until I am counting the days! Yippee!

It is Saturday! Just that small fact ensures that I am going to have a good day. And the fact that I don't have to go back to the preschool any time soon doesn't hurt much! Today we are going down to San Diego to rent party things for my wedding - chairs, tables, tableclothes, trellis, etc. - and so that I can eat at my favorite place. The Olive Garden! They have one planned for Temecula, but since it isn't built yet it's difficult to get reservations. I am so excited! This is really the last big step in planning the wedding. I am so ahead of the game! I am really glad that this has been easy and fun. No stress at all.

Deep thought for the day...brought to you by Jonatha Brooks...

"I might be crazy, I might be blind, but I might love you more than my life." This phrase had me thinking "No way." I have always been proud of my ability to not get myself into the kinds of relationships she is talking about in that song...the ones were you are spending so much time thinking about the other person and what they want that you completely ignore or deny your own needs and wants. The kind of relationship that quickly becomes abusive and one-sided. I know that it is not good for me, my significant others, or our relationships to be in that kind of co-dependent, passive, unbalanced situation. I thought "there is no way I would give up on myself for some guy." But immediately I thought of a dozen different situations where I would gladly give up my own life if it meant saving Mikey. Or anyone in my family. I would take a bullet to save a parent from pain. I would trade myself for my siblings or my niece/nephew in a dangerous situation. I would offer my own body to house an illness if it meant that Mikey would be healthy. There are lots of people I love more than my life. I hope they know who they are.

On the other hand, I saw a pamphlet the other day about a family that was asking anyone and everyone to call them if they were interested in being a lung donor for their young son who has Cystic Fibrosis. I felt sorry for the boy and I wish them luck finding someone but I couldn't imagine doing it myself. I am too selfish. I want to play and work and go on my honeymoon and I felt a little guilty that those things had a higher priority to me than the life of a human, even if it was someone I didn't know.

Enough sad...now happy. My kitties are REALLY cute. They have these strong personalities and they are almost like people to us. We know what kind of mood they are in and we understand what they are saying and we are happy little family with them both. My life has been so enriched by having my two adorable babies! I will end on that happy note. Have a good weekend!

Bleh. On days like these I should just turn off the alarm clock, pull the covers over my head and sleep until it is over. Bleh.

On a brighter note, I have discovered latent psychic abilities in myself. This morning I thought to myself, "Self, it is NOT a good idea to wear your favorite, new, white shirt to work at a preschool. You are asking for trouble." Low and behold! I was asked to go into the infant room and feed a small tyke his strained carrots. He wasn't thrilled about them and, as small tykes often do, managed to get them all over his hands, his face and my favorite, new, white shirt. I am psychic! Or is it just that I have a shred of common sense, even if I choose not to use it? Whatever. Later, I got home and had the thought that my future aunt and uncle-in-law were there for a surprise visit. Turns out they weren't. But they had been there earlier in the day. For a surprise visit. I am psychic. Or just paranoid! Now we have lots of sweet things to munch on because Kakey can't stop by without food, even though she knows we are dieting. Yum!

The rest of the day is a cranky, loud, preschool filled blur that I would rather not go into. Suffice it to say that I am still alive, no one was hurt and I am still planning on going back tomorrow. So how bad could it really be?

Okay, so I had typed a deep and meaningful message and I was really happy with it and then my computer had a brain fart and lost it all. Not a glwing beginning to my journaling days. If it had been a paper journal it would be like it falling into the fire! Ugh.

Anyway, the jist of it was that I am a softy when it comes to doing people favors, I am afraid to be brutally honest and so I won't try...just plain polite honesty for me thanks...and love is always accompanied by hurt - not not in a bad way. Perhaps later I will feel up to expounding on them all over again. Drat technology anyway.

I think this is going to be cool. Not that I have anything even remotely interesting to say but it is worth a shot, isn't it? Everyone has one of these fancy websites and it is about time that I have one too! Here and now, I promise myself to write here as often as I can and to use this page to stretch my thinking muscles a little. Hooray!!

This is my first post. Is this even going to work at all? I really wonder.