Monday, March 31, 2008

To Do

Things I have to get done this week:

- finish online traffic school
- finish final exam for Curriculum Eval course
- write Escuela del Sol introduction letter
- update EdS flier
- gather names/addresses of psychologists, counselors, principals, etc in district
- make 2 scarves - one red/blue, one pink/purple
- finish grading
- work on planning for last 10 weeks of school
- sweep/mop all floors in house

Hmm. School is back in session now. I guess the rest will have to wait until June? Let's hope not.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Oh! I get it!

I have this one dream that always seems to pop up during times of stress. I am in a classroom or school of some kind, responsible for a large number of students, and none of them will listen to me. Often I am late for something important, missing vital materials necessary for instruction, or just simply unable to manage behaviors. This dream usually ends with me completely losing my cool in a way that would get my ass fired in a real life situation, causing me to wake up in a cold sweat. I have always interpreted these dreams as manifestations of my inner fears.
"I won't know what to do."
"They won't like me."
"I won't do a good job."
"I won't be able to control my temper."

This morning I awoke from the same dream (unusual for this early in a vacation - typically it rears its ugly head a day or two before I go back to work) with a completely different take on the dream. It started out as the same old thing. I had a class I didn't know. I was hazy on the rules of the school I was in. There was something scheduled that I didn't know about. I couldn't get my kids to follow simple directions. It was chaos and no one was learning anything. My first waking thought:
"I can't teach in this setting."

OH. Well. For the first time ever, I woke from that dream knowing exactly how I could fix the situation. And the best part is - I am already well on my way to doing so. It felt good to realize that (at least in this particular version of the dream) the fault wasn't with ME, but instead with the SYSTEM. It was a very clear statement of what I have been feeling for some time. I am not able to do the work I was meant to do in the environment in which I am currently working.

Don't get me wrong. I am doing good. My students make progress. That progress is even comparable to the progress made by other students in other classes. The problem is this: I KNOW I could be helping students more. I KNOW I have the ability to get them further (or is it farther? I always have trouble with these two) than I am currently doing. I KNOW that I have a gift for reaching troubled, struggling children. And I KNOW that I am meant to do more than doggy-paddle my way through the muck of the public school system in its current incarnation, barely keeping my heart above water and struggling every day with the same decision. Do I do what I know is expected of me according to the rules of this environment so that I can keep my job, my health insurance, and my limited ability to influence the future? Or do I do what I know is necessary for the healthy development of this group of children so they can be the best they can be? This is NOT a decision I should have to be making. I should not have to be compromising between the two.

Since opening Escuela del Sol, I have only become more aware of the division. I can barely get through each 7 hour day at school. I am exhausted when the bell rings at the end of each day (and often a good 30 minutes before that!). It would be easy to say that this is because of the new routine, the new school, the challenging students, the details of teaching, but in reality those are the things I usually thrive on. They are why I love teaching. In truth, I am exhausted from fighting a constant battle in my brain between what I have to do and what I want to do. I know that this because I can leave school, exhausted, at 4:00, spend the next 3 hours working with struggling students at Escuela, and head home feeing rejuvenated. I feel the physical exhaustion that comes from working a 12 hour day, but the emotional exhaustion has melted away.

So, waking up from my regular stress dream with the thought, "I can't work in this setting." is a big switch from waking up to the thought, "I can't do this." I have been pushing pretty hard this year, but it is all with one thought in mind. By the year 2010 (probably sooner) I will have developed Escuela del Sol to the point where I can leave the public school environment that is so stifling me and focus on what I was put here to do - connecting with students and helping them reach their full potential. Or, as the Escuela del Sol logo promises, "Helping Kids Shine". I suffer no delusions that all stress dreams will vanish at that point. I'm a little too high strung for that luxury. But at least I will know that I am in a setting where I can reach MY potential. And isn't that the point?

*My cousin Raya's most recent blog post touches on this same topic from her perspective as a mom. Her comment regarding rules to understand the rules hits it right on the head. Go check it out.

Highlights and Lowlights

Highlights
1. The apple trees we planted 2 years ago (when we first moved here) are blooming! They started out with lots of tiny, hot pink buds, and those are now bursting open into delicate white flowers. I am extremely excited at the idea of getting apples. Especially if I can convince Mikey that he should be making apple pies with them. :)

2. The weather has been perfect for me to throw on a tank top and jeans, grab my shades and a book, and sit outside for hours. I have been reading almost a book a day. The dogs are loving the company and I am reveling in the relaxation.

3. You know you have a true friend when you can get together and have a lengthy, enjoyable conversation about religion, politics, and emotional health, especially when you disagree about fundamental parts of all three. I have just such a friend and I have been able to get together with her multiple times recently.

Lowlights
1. Mikey has been sick as a dog the last 3 days. He has a fever that reminds me of a couple of my students. You know, the ones who take FOREVER to leave after the bell rings, and keep remembering one more reason why they have to come back. Mikey's fever has several times left only to return a few hours later - "I forgot my math book!" He also has a nice, juicy cough and a nose that can't decide whether to drip constantly or freeze up completely. All this courtesy of his sister and nephew who were hosts to the same bug during our Easter get-together. I have been keeping a distance and crossing my fingers like crazy in hopes that I will avoid it. I don't want to miss out on my vacation and I can't afford to take sick days afterward.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Bookkeeping

I don't hate bookkeeping itself. The practice of recording and balancing actually appeals to my anal-retentive, obsessive-compulsive side. But trying to catch up on 3 months of back logs is the pits. My partner is great about documenting things, but her notes are often written in her own special code that I cannot decipher on my own. Since my brain is like a sieve, I don't remember what was happening a month or more ago. Which means I have spent the last 3 hours sorting through invoices, attendance logs, and payment receipts trying to figure out if we billed the correct number of hours and if the payments received covered the bills. Add on top of that the incredible number of illness related absences we've had lately (which we credit if given enough notice) and this has all been one big super puzzle. I will enjoy it much more when I am tutoring full time and have the ability to keep my bookkeeping current.

Real Life Math

being late to dinner with your in-laws
+
the XM radio game*
+
a road you drive twice a day
+
cresting a steep hill
+
a heavy car that builds momentum as it goes downhill
=
the first speeding ticket I have gotten since I was 16



*The XM Radio Game (for those who are curious)
The passenger is in charge of the XM controller, scrolling through the channels looking for a band that the driver might be able to recognize. The song doesn't matter, although the game is MUCH easier if it is a well-known song. The driver attempts to identify the musician (or group of musicians). If the driver is unable to do so, the passenger can supply hints.

Popular category hints include:
synonyms (e.g. Third Eye Blind becomes Unseeing Chakra)
word association (e.g. Good Charlotte becomes Some Pig in reference to Charlotte's Web)
factoids (e.g. Aerosmith becomes Alicia Silverstone because she once acted in a music video of theirs)
initials (e.g. Three Doors Down = TDD)
number of words (e.g. I think you can figure this one out on your own.)
personal preference (e.g. Mikey knows that if I am picking something country for him to identify it is going to be one of a select few people because he has a limited knowledge of country. Same goes for me and grunge or hair metal.)

Extra points are awarded for speed of recognition (we each have a couple of bands that we can recognize from the first riff of a song) or obscurity of the song (guessing the band from their top 40 hit is less impressive than identifying them from some B side song that you've never heard before). Of course, the fewer clues you need, the better.

Honestly, the clues are the real fun of the game. We try to make up clues with multiple layers so that the driver really has to figure them out to make their guess. One of the more convoluted clues we've created:
Santana becomes Veronica Mars
Veronica Mars is a television show written by a guy named Rob Thomas who is of no relation to the Rob Thomas of Matchbox 20 who once did a song with Santana.
This clue was for Mikey. I would recognize Santana right away. :)

The game is lots of fun, and it's how we spend most of our drive time when we're together. Just one warning if you become a player - be careful not to focus so much on the sound of the musician you're trying to guess that you forget to watch your speed. You'll end up like me, spending the first day of your vacation trying to get through to someone at your county court to find out how much it's going to cost you to go to traffic school.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Something New

Hi, guys! I'm on spring break, so I thought I might try to do some blogging. The question is - do I have anything interesting to say? And do I remember how to do this? Luckily, I had my password tucked away in a safe place.

To start things off, I'm going to share some of the fun things I will be doing during my break:

1. playing with my dogs and reading
The poor puppies are super lonely for me now that I am working so much. If I sit down in the kennel Mia climbs right into my lap and curls up, determined to stay there. She forgoes dinner in order to snuggle with me whenever possible. This morning, we sat in the sun together while I read an entire Sue Grafton mystery. It's possible I can make pretty good headway through the whole alphabet series with this two week vacation.

2. cleaning
It's amazing how easy it is to ignore clutter and mess when you are working a 12 hour day. Now that I am home during daylight hours I am getting to those chores that have been piling up. Today I managed to do 3 loads of laundry, wash all the dishes, straighten the kitchen, and clean out the fridge and freezer. There's plenty left to do, but it feels good to get things done.

3. tutoring
I have about 4 hours of tutoring lined up for this week. There are more hours next week, but that's Stephanie's week. We've had another big surge of sign ups recently. Hooray, Escuela!

4. master's work
There has been a final exam sitting on my counter for several weeks, and it's about time for me to get it done. I wonder how far I can get on my next class? I make no promises!

5. exercise
My long work hours have done wonders for my diet. Self-control is no longer an issue when there is NO time for eating. However, when I am on vacation, I spend the whole day stuffing my face. I'm trying to do more walking and less munching during this one.

And, of course, I am working on catching up on all the sleep I have missed since my last vacation. With that goal in mind, I am now signing off and tucking myself into bead. G'night!