Mental Housekeeping

The following is induced by my own inner demons and no one but myself is to blame. I am writing simply as an attempt to exorcise said demons. None of this is meant to lay blame or cause injury. How you react to this post is your own choice, but remember that this is where I vent and purge. I have intentionally not written much on this topic, for fear of hurting others, but I find that instead of fading away, my feelings are deepening and festering in the dark recesses of my mind. By dragging them out into the light, I hope to banish them forever, not spread them around. Thank you for you understanding in this matter.

It is funny, in that sad, ironic kind of way, how easy it is for a word, a phrase, a fleeting thought, to bring old hurts tumbling down out of the closet in which they have been carefully tucked away. All kinds of insecurities and irrational fears can be fed and nurtured on someone else's careless, carefree moment.

Today I received an email link to a photo album filled with pictures of my (step) dad and his new wife, along with many members of my immediate family. One picture depicted my dad and my three siblings with the caption, "Tyson, Steven, Brooks and Shanta - Steven's Children". Now, I know that there was absolutely no thought of excluding me when this wedding occurred, when this picture was taken, or when this caption was written, but that is exactly what has happened. Without even considering the horrifying moment during which I thought, "I guess those ARE his children.", I see this picture of life going on without me - without even the slightest mention of me - and I realize that my family members are becoming strangers to me.

This is not the first time this has occurred. When my mother and her new husband were married, I wasn’t able to be there, either. Things came up, plans changed and I was unintentionally uninvited from the party. Everyone else was in the pictures, eating the food, celebrating the moment, and I was thousands of miles away.

In both instances, important people in my life took a step without me that I couldn't imagine taking without them. When I was married, I had to have these people around me. I would have rescheduled, rearranged, and rethought my plans to have them there. It wouldn't have been right without them. And frankly, it doesn't feel right - or real - that they both were able to do it without me.

So, I look at these pictures of moments that happened without me. I think about how long it has been since anyone has come to visit. I struggle to think of a way I can afford - mentally, physically, monetarily - to make my way there often enough to keep from becoming a non-entity in my own family. And tears well up in my eyes as my throat begins to tighten. Because this isn't how I thought it would be.