Family AND Friends

I finally put my finger on the peculiar feeling of dread/discomfort that accompanied learning of my cousin's death. I have been sad for the obvious reasons, but there was an odd, unrecognizable aftertaste that hung in my mind each time I thought about him - beyond my regret that I couldn't attend the funeral - more than just my dismay at not getting to know him better in past years.

As I ended a conversation with my father this afternoon, I asked him to hug the surviving sister for me. It was all I could do to say goodbye without bursting into tears, for I suddenly realized that this poor girl was mourning the loss of a brother. A BROTHER. Not someone she saw occasionally at family gatherings. Not a distant relative that she read about in holiday newsletters. The boy she grew up with, the only person to share parents and upbringing with her, is gone.

Even now, I want to cry thinking about this. I can't imagine how I would go on if one of my siblings died. I know that I see them only rarely - half a continent seperates us - and I know that I don't talk to them nearly often enough, but I think about them on a daily basis. They are an elite few who truly understand who I am and where I come from. I am so proud of each of them and so amazed that 4 people who are so completely different can be so tightly bonded. And of course, being the oldest, I feel a certain amount of responsiblity and obligation when it comes to their well-being. Losing them would be losing a charished and vital part of myself. I can only imagine a pale reflection of what Kelsey must be going through.

I am so, so sorry for her loss. And so profoundly greatful that I was able to call each and every one of my siblings today. We talked about the weather and our parents and each other and jobs and all the mundane little things that make up our lives. I wish I could say that this attention to them would remain strong. Unfortunately, it often takes a shocking loss to make us appreciate that which is with us every day. I will keep this in mind as long as I can.