it's the little things that give me away

If you were to sit and have lunch with me today we would probably talk at length about the two exciting things that are soon occuring in my life: starting a new school year at a new school, opening a new business. I would seem calm and confident, exuding enthusiasm for both projects equally. You would later tell someone how impressed you are with my ability to take on such challenges and still remain so relaxed and energetic.

That is because I wouldn't mention how hard it is for me to fall asleep these days. Or how I look for any excuse to keep sleeping in the morning. I won't tell you how much hair I find in the drain after a shower in the morning. You wouldn't notice how I avoid moving my right arm too often or too quickly due to that pain that just won't go away.

I am very excited about my new classroom. I can't wait to meet my new team and my new students. I am thrilled that I am making an attempt at a dream I have had for some time. I am just as enthusiastic as I seem, but I am in no way as confident as I look. I am terrified by both of these new things, and it's the little things that give me away.

For You?

Often I am struck by a particular group of lyrics while listening to music. Most of the time it is something that is relevant to my own life, but every once in a while I get hung up on words that don't feel like they are for me. This has happened to me twice lately...

Performer: SONiA
Album:No Bomb is Smart
Song: "Won't Let Go"

don't let go
just hold on
keep your eye on the road
and your heart in a song
whatever happened is already gone
don't let go

Obviously this is a message that applies to many people, and I have always liked it, but lately it seems to be persistently trying to get through to someone. Since there are a number of people who might be needing it now, I am posting it here and hoping the perhaps it will get through to its intended recipient.

Performer: Bill Staines
Album: First Million Miles
Song: 'Phoenix'

Oh, Lord, have mercy on this poor, poor heart.
Take it from the ashes
and teach it how to fly again.
Oh, Lord, have mercy on this poor, poor heart.

I am quite fond of this album, but I have never paid much attention to this song until my MP3 player started playing it obsessively. Bill has such an expressive voice that I just want to cry thinking about being in such pain that you would cry out like this. Again, I'm not sure who this applies to (pain seems to be fairly common these days), but I hope it reaches that person.

Escuela update

We are a business in everything but actual work now. We have our location (accessible on the 15th), we have our name, license, tax ID, and bank account. Everything is ready for us to actually get started. Now we just need to...get started. Some upcoming goals...
Aug. 20 - Flyers ready to go out to schools (want them out there by the 23rd so we hit back to school night!)
Sept. 5 - Open House (need to have our sign, brochures, sign up paperwork, materials and environment all set by then)

Yikes!

See?

This is what happens when I start to whine and complain about my own health. I get a reminder of just how good it really is. Amy went back to Mayo this week because her creatinine levels were headed in the wrong direction. She had to undergo all kinds of tests and probes, including a biopsy of her transplant kidney. While the kidney is obviously not a happy camper at the moment, there are no signs of rejection either.

I'm not egotistical enough to think that all that happened just to remind me that I am relatively healthy and I should appreciate it. But it has that effect. The few pills I take are ones that I am choosing to take in an effort to avoid later problems. If I forget them or run out I am not going to end up in the hospital or worse. My lack of exercise it due to lack of motivation and effort, not lack of ability. High cholesterol, while carrying a few long term health risks, is not an immediately life threatening situation. All in all, I am an incredibly lucky individual and I do realize it.

I think the real issue here is that I am realizing that I am no longer as healthy as I once was. I am mourning the days when I could move furniture without pulling a muscle, eat whatever I wanted without first considering its calories/fat/cholesterol/sodium/protein, and sleep through the night without waking up to sore joints. You lose a certain amount of freedom and innocence as you reach the point of having to take care of yourself, and I am just coming to terms with that. I know that I am not old (again, I'm younger than all but 3 of the adults in my life, and those are my siblings), but I am not really young anymore either. I'm sure everyone goes through this, but it's hard when my 30 year old body won't/can't do what my 20 year old brain wants to do.

Anyway. Just wanted to tell everyone that they should aim any sympathetic feelings they may have had for me over toward Amy's kidney and related parts. Technically, that's still feeling sorry for me. :)

No Need for Food

Please note: My health problems are miniscule compared to those of just about everyone I know. However, they are MINE and consequently seem important to me. I apologize to everyone who is reading this and thinking "What a baby. She should see what I have to go through every day."

Since my last visit to the doctor, I have begun taking a variety of pills and supplements. Each morning, I take 2 glucosamine (for my bad joints), 1 fish oil (for the joints and the cholesterol), and 1 multivitamin (to make up for my deficient iron and B12). None of these pills is smaller than the end of my pinkie finger, and by the time I finish choking them down I am too full for breakfast. Or maybe my lack of interest in breakfast is because I consider that to be medication, too. 1/2 cup of oatmeal every morning to aid in reducing my cholesterol. Meh. What I really want is a couple of scrambled eggs, slathered in cheese and wrapped in a tortilla. The really sad thing is that my cholesterol continues to go up, so I am going to be forced to add yet another pill to my routine. Hooray for genetics!