I have begun to re-read The Celestine Prophecy. It is a book that deals with why we are here...the reason for being...the meaning of life. It talks about spirituality, relationships, society and the future of humanity. I read it when I first received it, several birthdays ago, but I don't remember much about the "meat" of the story. I don't remember what it was teaching me. A few days ago I was talking with Joie about books. I was looking at my shelf reserved for "special" books - the ones that really spoke to me - and I saw this one. I was moved to read it again, to remind myself of what it was that made me decide to put it on that particular shelf. As I read, I will analyze, discuss, evaluate, ramble on about the ideas it presents in an attempt to hold it's message more deeply than the last time. It is written in such a way that you follow a man on a journey. Along the way he is introduced to several "insights" that explain to him the reasoning behind much human behaviour and show him a new and improved future. I will be taking the book in much the same way. I will discuss each insight as it appears.

today is our ante-versary. that is the clever thing that Mikey said today. he had to explain that "ante" means before to me...i hope i am not the only person who didn't know that. Mikey is a word wizz. He knows how to spell EVERYTHING and he remembers anything he hears, reads, sees, etc. i thought it was clever tho. in exactly one month i will become an old married woman. how many of you are sick to death of hearing me talk about the wedding!? : ) anyway, hooray! it is nearly here!!!

Yay! Amy is online! Time for some girl talk.

Driving home from work yesterday I was thinking about a game that my father and I used to play. Well, it was a game for me...probably just frustrating for him! When I would be visiting him on weekends we often went to Grandma's or the cousin's houses. I never wanted to go to bed. I loved sitting, listening, watching, observing these people that were part of my family, but so rarely part of my life. I loved the feel of it...the closeness, the laughter and love. Anyway, bedtime would roll around and as I was being picked up I would think "heavy" thoughts. I would even chant outloud - "Rocks, boulders, bricks, elephants, mountains...etc." - in an attempt to prevent being lifted off to bed. The amazing thing is...IT ALWAYS WORKED! My father could not pick me up until he convinced me to think "light" thoughts, chanting "feathers, mice, cottonballs...etc". It gave me an amazing sense of control. I never realized that until just yesterday. It was wonderful for me to feel as though I were in control of something in a situation (away from mom and normal routine) that seemed a little out of my control. In fact, when I think about it, our visits were often that way. I don't know if it was an intentional attempt to put me at ease or just the inevitable spoiling of a child you don't have to deal with every day, but I am very glad that my father allowed me to think that I could control my life in that one small way.

My kitties went to the vet today. I hope I don't offend anyone who actually has children...but it is akin to taking your children to the doctor. I feel so badly when they get poked and prodded. I feel guilty for anything that is wrong with them and sad that they don't understand that this is all for the best. I only go to vets who seem to understand that these are my children. They need to ooh and ahh over them and talk to them and all that or I don't go back. Fortunately, we seem to have hit the jackpot with Dr. Gill. He was very friendly and respectful to both me and my babies and he had lots of answers for me. And he has cats of his own...always a big plus!
So, now my little ones are vaccinated and checked up. They are in relatively good health, altho our "big boy" is going to be going on a diet. I guess I knew that 20 pounds was a little overweight! He is not going to be happy about it. I will have to be strong. I can't stand to hear him cry and he knows it!
Speaking of crying, he cried the whole way to the vet, much of the time we were there, and the whole way home. She curled up in the back of the carrier when she could (and in my armpit when she couldn't). They both acted as tho I were torturing them, which I am sure I was. They got back to normal quickly tho once we were home. What a stressful day for all of us.
Those of you who are not "pet people" and have been gagging thru this whole post will be glad to know it is now over. Those of you who can't see enough of cute kitties...go here...Hamumu Employees...skip the people at the top and scroll down to the important members of our team. Aren't they ADORABLE?? They were much younger then, but they still look (and act) pretty much the same! Okay, fair is fair, tell me about YOUR pets...feel free to gush!

My bathroom cleaning spree seems to have lingered on a little longer than I expected. This afternoon I scrubbed my kitchen floor, something that is rarely done. Usually, a good sweep is good enough for me! It is still icky linoleum but at least it isn't sticky!

Altho I am appalled that some people let their children watch it, I really like South Park. It is incredibly vulgar but I love how it makes fun of human stupidity. I like the Simpson's for the same reason. They both take "major" issues being pulverized by the media and point out how fabulously STUPID it all is! Do any of you watch these shows? What do you think? Why? Tell me all about it! ;)

Which flock do you follow?

this quiz was made by alanna


Surprise! Not really. My friend Angie told me the other day that she thought "hippy" as soon as she met me. That made me happy. A happy hippy! I didn't think that I gave that impression, but I am glad that I do!! : )

Okay. So the long absense was my being at the daycare and coming home totally exhausted. I thought of lots I wanted to write about on my way home today, but can I remember any of it now? NO! ughh.

Yesterday our garage door not only refused to open, it shot a spring across the garage. (No one was in the garage at the time...we have been a little afraid of that door for some time so we push the button and then hide inside while it does its thing!) So today we finally went to Home Depot and bought one of those fancy, shmancy, metal, segmented doors...you know, they roll up instead of being one big, heavy piece of wood. Special thanks to Mikey's aunt Kakey and uncle Joe for the generous wedding gift. I can't wait until it is installed so that we can once again use our garage for its original purpose!

Why is it that I can only do deep cleaning of my house if I pretend that someone else is going to see it? Today I scrubbed my bathrooms and made them shine. They are beautiful! But I was pretending that they were bathrooms on someone else's house the whole time. If I hadn't done that, I wouldn't have kept going...I would have done a much lazier job. Why? I am a neat freak and I still need to trick myself into doing the deep stuff...pathetic. But I did what it took and got it done. Hooray for sparkly toilets!

la dee dah...i am bored...i wish that joie or amy or someone were around to talk to! WHERE IS EVERYONE?? ah well...off to dinner...maybe later.

So now we have official documentation proclaiming that we are allowed to get married. I have to admit that we briefly flirted with the idea of just doing the deed today at the courthouse...it would be so easy and quick. But I have been looking forward to the ceremony that we are planning. Mikey was more interested than I was, but I would be lying if I said it didn't appeal to me at all. For the moment, I am still single. But all that changes in such a short amount of time! How FUN!

Well, girl's night was a HUGE success and I officially have two girlfriends in Temecula! It was a blast to sit around eating pizza (we were hosted by the one who doesn't cook, doesn't even have a kitchen in her little apartment!) drinking Sprite and talking about everything under the sun. AAAhhhhh. Happiness.

Yesterday Mikey and I spent 2 hours wandering around Walmart creating a wedding registry! It was SO much fun!!! The nice thing about getting married AFTER you have set up house is that you can register for fun stuff instead of just furniture and dishes! We have everything from board games to exercise weights to little kitchen thing to yard toys. It was a blast.

Today we are off to San Diego for our license and then lunch with the future in-laws. Free food is always good! : ) I am bringing my suit in case it is warm enough for a dip in their pool too! Later!

"...I loved you in ways you never way. And maybe you donot believe this. But I know this is true, feel my heart. Because you broke my heart the hardest, and maybe I broke yours the same way." Amy Tan, The Kitchen God's Wife

When I first started this blog I was going to post about love and hurt and I never got around to it. Now here it is, someone has put into words exactly what I was thinking. I know how much I love someone by how much pain I can endure of their making. I don't mean physical pain. I mean the little hurts. The forgotten promises, the curt words, the prolonged silences. The more I can forgive these daily transgressions on our relationship, the more I know how deep my love is. The ones who break my heart the hardest are the ones that I let back in over and over again. And as much as it hurts, I wouldn't change that for the world. Because I know that these are also be people who mend my heart the strongest. These are the ones who make up my foundation. Who keep me from sinking on days when I am too tired to swim. So I let them hurt me. And they let me hurt them. And we all become stronger for it. Love is pain is strength is healing is love...

"Kindness was a compensation. Kindness was a reminder that my life had changed, was always changing, that people thought I should just accept all this and become strong or brave, more enlightened, more peaceful. I wanted nothing to do with that. Instead, I wanted to live my life with the same focus as most people - to worry about my children's education, but not whether I would be around to see them graduate, to rejoice that I had lost five pounds, and not be fearful that my muscle mass was eroding away. I wanted what had become impossible: I wanted to forget." Amy Tan, The Kitchen God's Wife

I read this and thought of all the people in my life who are facing life changes these days. I want to be sympathetic. I ask them how they are and try to let them know that they can tell me all their troubles. That is how I deal. I talk it out. I talk to my family, my friends, my co-workers, complete strangers...I talk it all out until it can't hurt me anymore. I numb myself to the pain like wiggling that loose tooth because each time it hurts a little more, but also a little less. It is a pain you know and can handle. I look at it head on until it doesn't make my chest tighten and my hands shake. Because once it stops affecting me I can tuck it away and pretend it isn't there. That is my reaction to emotional baggage. And I assume that everyone handles things the same way. But what if all they want is for me to pretend nothing is wrong. To go on like everything is the same and nothing is changing. Who is to say that my way is better? It is still there, like the Easter egg that hiders forgot and seekers didn't find...it is still tucked away. And it isn't getting any sweeter smelling. So why not allow them to tuck it away without worrying it? Why poke and prode and endure the flashes of fire in between the quiet moments? Why not? I honestly don't know. I will think on it. In the meantime, I will try to stop worrying other people's loose teeth. But that doesn't mean that I can stop worrying my own.

For fun I looked up my sister's name too...

Shanta is able to connect with audiences of all ages. she's great with kids
Shanta is a motivator. yeah...with her FISTS!!!
Shanta is left to live alone with her grandmother. hee hee...i can see it now! murder and mayhem after a couple days!!
Shanta is the most soft-spoken. HA!!!
Shanta is responsible. yes, yes she is...she carries a lot on her shoulders

For those of you who don't know my sister, she is one tough cookie! She is a single mom raising two kids and working her way thru nursing school. She has succeeded when many thought she wouldn't. She is amazingly strong and brave. She is one of my heros! She can be a little much to take sometimes, but she is the best sister in the world! Kudos to you, Shanta!

Solange is walking in the crowd.

I went to Google.com (per Joie's instructions) and entered "Solee is" and "Solange is" as searches. Here are some of the best responses. I was sure that there wouldn't be very many. But there were 11 for Solee and over 300 for Solange. Apparently a sister of one of the members of Destiny's Child is named Solange and she is making a name for herself in the music industry. Ugh. I hope there aren't a ton of Solange's popping up all over. I like having a unique name! Okay...now it's your turn...what are you???

Solee is a sucker for philanthropy. true enough.
The Empire of Solee is an aggressive, expansionist, Pocket Empire. what else would you expect?
Solee is hastily recruiting spacers to man them as fast as they come back on line. man WHAT, is what I am wondering...
Solee is a veterinary technician from Bemidji, Minnesota. well, they got the state right
Solee is an exuberant, emotional, excitable and excited young Christian. hmmm...i don't think so
Solange is walking in the crowd. i like this one...it is deep and profound
Solange is "fierce'. RRROAARR!!
Solange is a classic porn star from the 80s and 90s. my stage name is Sunni, dotted with a big heart!
Solange is neglecting her children. gasp!
Solange is a traffic warden, stuck in a frumpy outfit and suffering tirades of abuse from angry motorists. um. yikes.
Solange is expecting your email. damn right! come on now...you know who you are!

Stupid blog. Ugh. Anyway...go to the Hamumu forum and tell us all about how much fun you had!!! I will be waiting! : )

Oh...and since it isn't working right down below...go see XOP here.

And now a shameless plug...

Everyone should go to Hamumu Software and see the new games that my Mikey has published recently. Stockboy is a fun puzzle game. You are the stocker in a store and it is your job to take care of the inventory. There is also a mode in which you are outsmarting all the little monster creatures. At least check out the demo version. It's FUN! XOP is a game Mikey is publishing for someone else. I haven't played it myself because I don't have the reflexes but it looks cool while Mikey is playing! You are a spaceship and you have to shoot everything! There are millions of bullets flying around and all kinds of chaos. Again, download the demo...it's free! Then be sure to go to the No comments:

I had a great conversation with my brother Brooks this evening. He is such a cool kid. I am always amazed by how grown up my brothers are. They are still young in my mind. But then I talk to them on the phone and they are these amazing, articulate, fabulous young men. They are kind and funny and smart and brave and strong and talented. I am so proud to be able to call them my brothers. They are the best!

In the course of the last week, my vacation week, I have finished the following books...
1. The Deathworld Trilogy - a sci-fi
2. Plainsong - the story of several families somewhere in middle America
3. Mouthing the Words - the story of an incestuous, sexual abuse and all its side effects on a young girl's life
4. Lazarus' Child - the story of a child in a coma and the lengths people are willing to go to in order to save her
5. When Dad Killed Mom - the story of two children facing life after domestic violence

I am currently reading To Kill a Mockingbird. I love being on vacation. I can't check enough books out to keep me busy! Okay, that isn't actually true, but I have gladly re-aquainted myself with the habit of reading non-stop all day long. I read in bed after I wake up, I read while I brush my teeth, I read while I watch TV, I read while I eat, I read before I fall asleep. It is WONDERFUL. I was like this as a child. I remember spending many hours reading after the lights had been turned off...either by the light of the moon or by the light of the fishtank. If you have never read like that...I recommend it. Gather together a pile of things that look interesting and just start reading. Don't stop until you are all the way thru! GO! Do it now! : )

Remember...

Yoda says, "There is no try. There is only do."

I apologize for not posting lately. Between my faltering brain and my faltering computer I have had little inclination to share my thoughts. I know that sounds incredibly depressed, but I am not...I am just internalizing these days. (That sounds bad too...it's not like that...don't worry.) Anyway, I will try to gather my thoughts and be generous with them shortly. For now I am off to the daycare to offer a few days of my time and to meet with a friend. I have been offered a job babysitting her daughter...not much money but NO STRESS!!! I like that idea. I am off...

Since I'm up, let's talk about something interesting...
Tuesday Things

1. Republican or Democrat? Left of Right? Liberal or Conservative?
i am disgusted by anything political these days. technically i guess i would be a member of the green party. i guess i am pretty liberal by conservative standards and pretty conservative by liberal standards.

2. When you vote (or if you voted) do you vote based on the issues or the political party of the candidates?
i try to understand the issues and figure out who best reflects my beliefs, but with all the rhetoric and mudslinging it is hard to tell so i often end up voting for a party. i went with the green party mainly because i wanted to shake up the 2 party system.

3. Remember that time when you were a kid and you were playing in the sandbox and you picked up a handful of sand and you ate it and you said it was "good"? Yeah, that was great.
no...i was the one telling my siblings to "quit eating that sand or i am telling". i was the one who wiped the sand out of the kid's mouths when they realized that sand is not "good"!

4. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live and why?
right here. this is where my Mikey is. this is where my house and my friends and my cats and my job are. this is my home.

5. If you could speak any language other than your native tounge, what would you speak and why?
Spanish, because it is practically a second official language here in Cali. it would make me MUCH more marketable as a teacher.

JERUSALEM (AP) - In a major policy change, Israel will seize and reoccupy Palestinian lands until "acts of terror" against its civilians end, the government said early Wednesday, responding to a suicide bombing that killed 19 bus passengers and wounded 55 others.

Fires were burning in across nearly a half-million acres of tinder-dry forest and brush in seven Western states. Thousands of people have been forced to flee and more than 60 homes have been destroyed, most of them in Colorado.

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Residents living within 10 miles of California's two nuclear power plants are to get potassium iodide pills to protect them from radiation exposure...

So there. I am not the only one in the world who has problems. Quit feeling sorry for yourself, Solee and suck it up. Life is not always hugs and puppies. Get over it.

FUCK. Why is it that no matter how hard you try, some people always insist on taking everything as a personal assult? Why is it that it is so hard for some to think of others or see things from other's point of view? How can you be so wrapped up in your own pain and anger and fear that you refuse to accept that anyone else in the world might be feeling those same emotions. I am so frustrated and angry right now. I try and try and try and nothing is getting thru and I don't know how much longer I can keep trying. It hurts to be held at such a distance and it hurts to be neglected and it hurts to be so very very angry at someone I love so much and yet still be made to feel guilty for those angry feelings. I have every right to be angry and I have every right to be suspicious and it is not fair for you to take that away from me. I can't stand it. I am going to bed. Goodnight. FUCK.

And this is from a book I read today. It was in the young adult section. It is about a young adult and how she copes with sexual abuse at the hands of her father. She develops multiple personalities and an eating disorder and all kinds of thing. Anyway, this is from that book.

"We trust that what we know to be normal is normal because it is what is known to us."

Mouthing the Words
Camilla Gibb

"In the words of the ancients, one should make his decisions within the space of 7 breaths. It is a matter of being determined and having the spirit to break right through to the other side. The way of the Samurai is one of immediacy, and it is best to dash in headlong."

"There is surely nothing other than the single purpose of the present moment. A man's whole life is a successsion of moment after moment. If one fully understands the present moment there will be nothing else to do, and nothing else to pursue."

Ghost Dog

I just watched a very interesting movie on the Sundance movie channel. (Actually, it was recorded off there a couple of days ago.) I would recommend it to you all and be interested in what you think. It is called Ghost Dog and it was one of those deep movies that you have to pay close attention to and even then you aren't quite sure what is happening. Lots of meaningful silences and looks between characters. Anyway, watch it if you get a chance and tell me what you think.

From the Topic Blog:

List 3 things that you feel you are more talented at than anyone else you know.
Now, I hesitate to say I am more talented at anything than anyone I know. I know a lot of talented people and anything I do well, I know someone who can do it better. But there are a few things I think I am good at.
A) I am a good teacher. I think like a child (child-like, not childish -most of the time) and I can understand why they are doing what they are doing more often than most adults. I like spending time with kids and I love sharing knowledge with them. That is what I do. It is my calling.
B) I am a good listener. I can close my mouth and let others speak when needed. I try not to give advise, instead allowing the other person to hear themselves while talking to me.
C) um...I guess I am a good cook. Not great, nothing like my mom, but good. And creative. I can look at a bunch of leftover ingredients and whip together a meal. I enjoy cooking and I have a great partner. (Mikey is a great cook and he is fabulously creative when it comes to sauces!)

So - what about you? What are you good at?

No posting for me yesterday. I have been spending a lot of time online since being on vacation and I thought it would be good to take a breather. Spend time with the warm blooded members of my family! It was fun!

Today my head hurts. And my tummy feels a mite oogy. I am questioning that tuna sandwich I had for breakfast. Perhaps I shall go water my garden.

Being on vacation is bad for me! My sleep schedule shifts in a big way. When I am working I get up around 6-7 and go to bed around 9-10. Lately I have been going to bed at 12 or later and not getting up until 9. And I nap during the day when reading makes me sleepy. It is kinda nice to be able to indulge this way tho.

Okay. Next time I will post an interesting topic...hurry back!

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

Laundry

1. How often do you do laundry?
As rarely as possible. That means I let it go until I can't stand how big the pile is or I don't have any underwear left! I am NOT going to tell you how many days that is. It's too embarassing!
2. What's in a typical wash load?
Everything! I separate light and dark and then stuff it all in. I know that I always overload my machine.
3. Front or top loader? Powder or liquid detergent?
Top loader. I WISH I had a front loader! Cheapo Costco Brand liquid detergent. I skimp on it, too. Make it last as long as possible. I do 99% of my loads on cold/cold so that I don't have to pay to heat the water. I am so cheap!
4. Do you use fabric softener in the rinse cycle?
No. We didn't use it at home, so I never got in the habit. And the commercials make it look so complicated! : ) I use dryer sheets tho because I HATE the static cling.
5. Dryer or clothesline?
I like the clothesline smell but I don't like the stiffness. We have a dryer and don't have a clothesline, so you can guess what we do. Anything that isn't dryer friendly gets hung over the shower rod.

There are so many people that I worry about - my cousins, my siblings, my parents...everyone! I sit here and I wonder how they are and I wish that I could be close enough to them to just flat out say "How are things and tell me the truth, none of that crap you tell everyone else." I don't want to hear the "I am fine, everything is great" line. I want to know the truth. I want to know how things really are. But I don't really have anyone I can say that to without feeling like I am interfering. So instead I have shallow conversations with them and wish that I could get deeper and worry that they need something I am not giving them. I know that some people just need that everyday conversation and aren't comfortable with anything more, but if you are out there, and you need someone to talk to...I am here. Always.

Everything seems planned out.
Everything seems NICELY planned out.
Then the human race
come and smack your face.

Crash Test Dummies

If you want to make the world
a better place
take a look at yourself
and then start to change

Michael Jackson
(he's a strange guy, but his lyrics are great!)

Yum!! I am currently eating the second ripe tomato off of my very own tomato plants.
There is nothing quite like a tomato you grew yourself while it is still warm from the sun.
I am eating it like an apple. It is SO sweet and yummy!

Topic for the Day...

If you got to know someone online, how long would it be before you trusted him/her enough to give you a phone call?

I like this question! I think that too many people pay too much attention to the sensationalized news that talks about the seriel killers that are using the web to find victims. As far as I am concerned, the people who fall victim to web pranks are the ones who fall victim to phone, tv, and back alley predators too. Surviving without being taken advantage of requires a certain amount of common sense and self-preservation (and luck) no matter where you conduct the majority of your interactions. That being said I will admit that I met my soon-to-be-husband online. We talked for hours (sometimes around the clock) everyday for nearly a month before I flew to CA to meet him in person. I think we were talking online for a week or so before we started conversing via telephone. I think most people would be surprised that I would be willing to trust someone so quickly, but I think if you ask the right questions and pay attention you can tell pretty quickly how trustworthy someone is. It worked for me! Not only do I have Mikey, but since moving to Temecula I met one of my few friends on a forum about the city. I have started talking to people that turned out to be pretty weird, but it only took a couple of minutes to decide they weren't the kind I wanted to talk to.

So, what do you think? How many online experiences have you had?

Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I have finished the school year. I am now officially beginning my vacation. I have a whole week set aside for me to do anything I want. I bet I will only last for about 4 days tho. After that I will start cleaning and organizing. But those 4 days will be fabulous!

I have been introduced to something called the Friday Five on my friend Joie's site. I think it is an interesting idea and a fun way to share information. Here's a sample:

Summer Vacations

1. What are some of the summer activities you like to do best? Why?
I love to slather on the sunscreen, put on my dopey hat and my "police officer" sunglasses, and grab a good book. Then I go out and find a spot in the sun. I read until my butt goes numb! This summer I get to do this in my very own backyard! I also like to go to the beach. I then alternate the reading with a quick dip in the ocean. Nice!

2. What is your ideal/dream summer vacation spot? Why? What makes it so special?
Anywhere that is away from chores and work. Something relatively secluded is nice. Where there aren't going to be any religious nuts or door to door salesmen knocking on my door. A small house on the beach or in the woods sounds nice to me. My parents had a cabin on a lake in Canada that had no electricity, no running water and no road access. You have to boat or ski across the lake to get there! No one bothers you and you can fire up the sauna any time you want. That is my kind of dream vacation spot.

3. What summer places or events do you avoid? Why?
I used to go to all the 4th of July celebrations, but for the last few years I have had much more fun watching from a distance. We have gone to my soon to be in-law's house and watched the fireworks from a distance of several miles. No crowd, no traffic and you can still see everything. And you can BBQ at the same time.

4. What aspects of summer frustrate you? Why? How does your life change because of summer or these frustrations?
Well, my income drops in a big way. There isn't much call for subs when school is out! Also, there are SO many kids running around. I don't have an issue with the kids themselves. I am concerned by the total lack of supervision! They are out playing in the street and getting themselves into trouble. Gotta drive slower and remember to put all the yard tools away!

5. Describe a good summer memory, perhaps one from your childhood. What made it memorable?
My favorite summer memories all include New Jersey. I know, that isn't something you often hear! I spent many summers in Manasquan, NJ swimming and tanning and playing and visiting with my grandparents and my great-grandma. We ate pizza, beach fries, seafood. We went to the boardwalk and played games and rode on the rides. We went crabbing with my dad and once, we even went out on a deep sea fishing boat. My siblings and I would spend tons of money at the arcade playing skee ball, trying to win tickets. By the end of the 2 weeks we would have enough for a pencil, a plastic snake and a piece of gum. But it was fun!

In case anyone is wondering why they can't find the perfect man, it's because I already found him and made him MINE. I worked until nearly 6 pm at the daycare today. Because he is fabulous and wonderful Mikey was making me dinner when I got home. Not only was he cooking it but it was some of my favorites that he learned how to make on the cooking channel today. Onion rings, fried chicken and cheese popovers. YUM. I just hope that he does the cleanup too! : )

Mikey really is the best. He takes care of me when I am sick. He is a great listener when I am sad or angry. He snuggles devinely. And he makes me laugh. He does some of the silliest things - just to make me laugh. And it works. I laugh until my sides ache! He balances me out perfectly. Together we are both better off than we would be alone. And I think that is what makes us so good together. He's my Mikey and I couldn't think of anything that would make him more right for me. *adoring sigh*

Yesterday, in the paper we found the strangest thing. To truly understand you need a little background. Mikey has a few little back issues. When I first met him, it was pretty bad. He has since had some PT and is 100% improved. But a friend of mine told me that it was a bad idea to date him and get serious with him because of his back problems. He said that eventually he would be bed ridden and that people who are bed ridden lose their minds and become veggies. (My friend is a bit of an extremest!) Anyway, in the Dear Abby column (yes, we read it regularly...i know, i know, it's sad) there was a letter from a woman about her fiance, "Michael" who was the love of her life, but had back problems caused by computer related work. She was concerned about how thier relationship would be affected. It could have been me writing it - as far as details go...not my feelings. It was even signed "not so sunny in California". It was really spooky! And funny. Mike was teasing that it must have been my friend writing in a last ditch effort to stop me from marrying him. I doubt it. It made for a good laugh tho!

Whhhhhheeeeeeee! What a roller coaster I am today! Those poor kids! The slightest little thing has been enough to change my mood today. Egads.

"If all my luck ran out tomorrow,
I'd have to say that I have had my share.
Enough to balance out the sorrow.
Enough to say that I'm a little scared.

This is not what I expected.
I did not expect to feel this good.
I always kept my heart protected.
I cross my fingers and I knock on wood."

John Gorka

I had a great conversation with Amy and Joie last night. I loved just goofing around and having some girl time. Thanks, ladies! Today was my last subbing day in the Temecula district. Appropriately enough, I was in my 5th grade class. They were much better today than they were Monday. Most of the girls gave me a hug on their way out and even the boy who pretends to hate me seemed disappointed that wouldn't be there tomorrow. I am really hoping that I get a full time position with this school next year. The 5th grade team is so cool and they seem to really be excited about having me join them. Tomorrow I am going to be in the daycare again. It is only for two days. I can do it. I CAN do it.

Last night I was driving to my regular Monday babysitting job (which I normally am not looking forward to) after a day of torture with 5th graders (I love them, but they were Awful yesterday) and I had the strangest thing happen. I was suddenly drenched in this feeling of complete satisfaction and joy. It just washed over me, this feeling of utter peace. Like everything was exactly as it should be. And I could picture all my plans working out and see how everything, good and bad, in my life came together to create the exact life I need to have. It was very cool. And I was energized for the rest of the night. : )

Now we are off to pick up our rings. My finger will no longer feel naked!

I usually consider myself a pretty smart person. On nights like this, I wonder. Once again I am watching midnight roll past, wishing I were asleep, knowing that I have to get up early tomorrow and stay up late. Once again I am lying in my bed, eyes closed, mind racing, hoping that if I just stay still long enough I will fall asleep. Once again I have consumed caffeine late enough in the day that I can't get to sleep. I am glad that I have never developed an addiction to caffeine. I don't need coffee to wake up, or a Coke in the afternoon to make it to quitting time. This is a good thing. The one drawback, however, is that any caffeine I DO consume packs a powerful punch. I drank some ice tea with my dinner tonight and now I can't get to sleep. I can lie down. I can close my eyes. I can do a very good impression of being asleep. But my brain is going a mile a minute. It just won't stop. I could just kick myself for having that tea. I knew it was too late and I knew it would do this. Like I said, usually I am a pretty smart person. Oh well.

This is an article about Gore being upset with Bush and his refusal to accept the recent global climate report. Bush claims that it is "a product of bureaucracy". HELLO!?!?

Why is it that humans have such a hard time facing facts? Humans are responsible for global warming. Hitler killed hundreds of thousands of Jews in the name of racial
cleansing. Cigarettes are bad for your lungs. It boggles my mind to know that there are people, a lot of people, out there who still refuse to believe these things. WAKE UP OUT THERE!!!

My finger feels so naked! We went and picked up my wedding ring today (Mikey's wasn't quite right so we re-ordered). The guy at Wine Country Jewelers is so cool. He took lots of time to talk to us and make sure we were happy with everything. He was super friendly. After talking to him and having him look at my engagement ring I decided to have him do the re-sizing now while we wait for Mikey's ring to come in. (I am having it fit to my right hand because it is a funny shape and it would have been difficult to find a wedding band to fit next to it on my left.) I didn't like the idea of taking it off before I had the wedding band - i am a silly, sentimental goose - but the emerald was not set right the first time and it is a little looser each day. Rather than take a chance at losing it, I decided to re-size and re-set at the same time. So I have no ring on and it feels funny!

We got a letter from San Diego Gas and Electric, one of the local power thugs. They have been trying for a while now to get permission to run a big new power line through the Temecula area. Right next to us, in fact. (Well, within a few miles of our house.) The letter was stating that they were required to do environmental research and that part of that research included surveying the land. They were informing us that their surveyers could be around any time from June 3 to sometime later this summer at any time of day and that we couldn't keep them from coming on our land. That went over like a lead balloon with the both of us. As far as I am concerned if they want to see my land they can buy it from me. And since I am in no hurry to leave, it is going to cost them a pretty penny. And I am almost hoping that someone comes by. I am ready to fight! They have no idea how stupid it was to send out a letter telling people that they HAD to do this. Especially since 99.8% of the people in this area are hyper-opposed to the line in the first place. Grr. I hate big, rich companies that think they can walk all over us because we need them. I'll tell you what. I don't need them. 1 - we get our power from a different big, rich, ogre company. 2 - I am perfectly comfortable with the idea of using alternative energy. Hell, in the summer around here, you hardly need energy at all. I have a grill to cook on and I go to bed shortly after dark anyway! (I would have a problem finding water tho!) Ugh. Too many people. I think I'll move to some deserted island.

I am not cut out for daycare work. It drains me in a way that makes me question my ability to interact with children. I feel like a failure after 8 hours of chaos. I know that it isn't me. I see that all the other teachers there feel the same way, tired, crabby, unable to deal. It is the school. It is poorly organized and has very little rhyme or reason to it's schedule, classes, lessons, etc. But it still leaves me feeling like I have failed. I hate it. I am glad that I am only doing it occasionally during the summer and after that I will not be doing it at all. The one good thing about it is the couple of fabulous people I have met there. Most of them are nice, but a couple of them are great. Just chatting with them a couple minutes makes it almost worth the torture!

On wednesday, we went and ordered our wedding rings. Funny how priorities change. I was willing to ask for platinum in my engagement ring, cause it's classy and we didn't have anything else to spend our money on. For the wedding rings, we are going white gold, simple, easy to pay for. We have decided that it is more important for us to keep up with our house payments and keep our good credit and all that grown up stuff than it is to have fancy wedding rings. The rings are about the least important part of the whole thing if you ask me! The important thing, the vows, the promises are harder to come by. I am having a hard time condensing all the thoughts I have and trying to make them something that will make sense without rambling on for a month and a half. Oh well. That is about how much time I have left!

At http://brunching.com/toys/toy-cyborger.html you can put in your name and find out what it would stand for if you were a cyborg. I laughed at the one for Mikey. Thanks, Joie!

M.I.C.H.A.E.L.: Mechanical Intelligent Construct Hardwired for Assassination and Efficient Learning
M.I.K.E.Y.: Machine Intended for Killing and Efficient Yardwork
S.O.L.A.N.G.E.: Synthetic Obedient Lifeform Assembled for Nullification and Galactic Exploration
S.O.L.E.E.: Synthetic Obedient Lifeform Engineered for Exploration

I have become one of the ostrich people. I used to be so excited that I was getting older so that I could voice my opinions on important things...nukes, politics, war, you name it. I wanted to make a difference and I wanted to do it loudly. I wanted to go to rallies and make posters and shout catchy slogans. It is what I was raised to do. My graduation announcements included a picture of me at about 3 years old holding a "No Nukes" poster. I had so much potential passion.

What happened to it? Now I completely avoid the news. I bury my head in the comics and Dear Abby and occasionally the editorial pages. I don't watch the news and I don't read the headlines. I don't want to hear about or think about all the things out there that make me sad. Because I don't feel like I can make any kind of change at all. I don't want to have those heavy black clouds blocking my sunshine. I can do nothing to make them white and fluffy so I do the next best thing. I ignore them completely. I am an ostrich. And it is disappointing.

I am not working today so, of course, I am cleaning. My guilt reflex kicks in early and I spend any week days at home cleaning and organizing. This doesn't happen on weekends, even if it is needed. It is entirely a weekday thing. But it is useful! I have gotten dishes done, laundry started, the living room straightened and the cat hair somewhat cleaned off the furniture. (I don't know why I bother, it will just start piling up again.) I even updated our budget and cleaned up the office a little. A very productive day and it's only 11 am.

And as an added bonus it is beautiful out. I have all the windows wide open and I am in shorts and a tank top. Ahhh. This is the life!

In "The Langoliers", a story in his Four Past Midnight collection, Stephen King asks, "How far can you fall into nothing?"

We have the funniest cats. Since I can think of nothing deep and meaningful to say I will tell you about them. They are like our kids. We spoil them rotten and would do anything for them (and just about have).

Huzzah, the male, is a black and white domestic short-hair. As far as I can tell, that means he is the "typical" cat. He weighs about 20 pounds and is SUPER cuddly. He is like every farm animal rolled into one. He eats like a pig, looks like a cow, follows you around like a puppy and runs away like a chicken. His favorite thing in the world is to be snuggled. Any time we sit on the couch (esp. Mikey) Zah comes along to snuggle. He just walks up and flops down on you. If you are not giving him enough attention he reaches up and pats you on the cheek. He likes to play with this little puff-ball thing and when he is done he usually puts it in his food dish. If he is unhappy with the state of his litterbox, he walks around the house YOWLING. He also does this if he can't find Zazzy (the other kitty). He is pretty dependant on the rest of the family members!

Pizzazz, the other one is a Purebred Scottish Fold. Now, normally the word "purebred" signifies a good thing. In the Fold case, however, it means that some cat breeder was operating without a conscience. She has adorable folded over ears, a kinked tail and a degenerative problem in her joints. All the cartilage in her body is abnormal. She is a little more aloof and independant, but loves to get her share of the attention - on HER terms. She is super picky about everything...food brand, litter brand, how the house is organized. If we change things it takes her a long time to get used to it and an even longer time to approve of it. Her favorite toy is a plastic cap from the top of water bottles. (Yes, she only likes one particular brand.) She squeaks at me (she has the cutest voice!) until I find one and throw it in the air so she can catch it. She will do this for hours but if it goes out of reach she looks at it and waits for you to get it. Which we always do. I TOLD you that they were spoiled.

I am off to watch Andy Richter Controls the Universe with my sweetie. Later, guys!

I am SO ready for the school year to be over. I am really looking forward to having a month and a half to finalize wedding plans and sleep in and stay up late and watch too much tv and read lots of books.

Oh yeah! And this is funny! Go to www.origamiboulder.com . I laughed. Especially at the letters section!!! And here is a haiku that was written for me by my beloved...

this haiku for you
I hope you enjoy it so
I know I sure will

Wow! We had the best day! Mikey surprised me with a late birthday present. He had two tickets to "Guys and Dolls" in San Diego. We went down and had lunch in the mall and then saw the musical and then got trashy food from the grocery store for dinner. The play was good, but it wasn't the best one I have ever been to. Gregory Hines' son was one of the main rolls and he got some SERIOUS top billing even tho he wasn't the biggest part and he wasn't the best actor/singer. He didn't even dance all that well. Nothing like a famous daddy to help you rise to fame! There was a black guy who played Nicely-Nicely (one of the guys) and sang "Sit down - You're rockin' the boat!" really well! And an old guy who had a fairly small character, but played it well. All in all, it was lots of fun. I always love going to the theatre and I especially love sharing it with Mikey. He isn't a big fan of musicals but he has taken me for each of my birthdays so far. Just cause he knows I love them. He's the best! Today was great.

Tomorrow I work in the daycare from 8:45 to 5:45 and then I babysit from 6:30 to 10:30. Long day. But I think I am rested enough to do it with good humor! I will tell you all about it later!

What a morning. I am emotionally drained. (a couple of hours later) Well, I WAS drained before a rejuvinating conversation with Joie. What a character!

So this morning I had a melt down. I got up, started exercising and got so frustrated that Mikey couldn't deal with me. And for those of you who don't realize the significance of that..Mikey is incredibly patient and for him to not be able to deal I must have been pretty bitchy. Anyway, I stomped around doing laundry and cleaning (my usual therapy) until I finally decided I needed some more exercising. I went into the garage and started beating on the punching bag thingy we have in there. Suddenly all my frustration turned into this overwhelming, overpowering anger. It just swept over me. I raged against the plastic for a few minutes and collapsed into a puddle. It was so totally unexpected that it kinda scared me. Usually I can tell when I am losing it and I can set aside a time to have a good cry. This one totally snuck up on me. After a few minutes of hysteria I was fine again and I felt so much better. It was especially relieving to know that it wasn't Mikey I was fighting with. I hate fighting with him. : )

Then shortly afterwards I had a very important, very powerful, very needed conversation with my Daddy. It is hard to talk to him, but it is so much harder to not talk with him. I think we shared some important things today and I am glad. I hope it is a sign of things to come. But it was very emotional and very exhausting.