Wednesday, October 22, 2003
Boys and their games
Mikey is currently in training for a Tony Hawk 4 (skateboarding game, for those of you who aren't in the know) competition at the local game store. It's so cute! I will get to go cheer him on this Saturday when he kicks the butts of all the little punk pre-teens who think they're all that and a bucket of wings! I will have to put together a good cheerleading outfit! :)
Walking on Sunshine
My class has taken an amazing turn for the better. It's is as though every student had an epiphany over the weekend. Suddenly they all seem to understand what's going on in our class. They are staying on task, turning in their homework, remembering the rules and asking fewer of those rediculous questions that I shouldn't have to answer (Should I put my name on this?). I LIKE room 6, version 2.0. I plan on keeping them around!
Guitar Lessons
Someone ended up at my blog after searching for "Temecula guitar lessons" and I feel compelled to give my fabulous teacher some free advertising...
Robert deGraff, owner of Acoustic Guitar Studio in Temecula (909-506-9732), is WONDERFUL for the adult wanting to learn not just how to play, but what guitar is all about. I pay $85 each month and get a 45 minute lesson once a week. He is teaching me everything from reading notes to creating and playing chords to writing music. I am not just learning how to mimic someone in playing the guitar. I am learning everything you need to know to play and write any music I want. (someday!) He is a kind, understanding teacher who really cares about music and really wants playing the guitar to be a pleasant, wonderful experience. I can't recommend him highly enough!
Robert deGraff, owner of Acoustic Guitar Studio in Temecula (909-506-9732), is WONDERFUL for the adult wanting to learn not just how to play, but what guitar is all about. I pay $85 each month and get a 45 minute lesson once a week. He is teaching me everything from reading notes to creating and playing chords to writing music. I am not just learning how to mimic someone in playing the guitar. I am learning everything you need to know to play and write any music I want. (someday!) He is a kind, understanding teacher who really cares about music and really wants playing the guitar to be a pleasant, wonderful experience. I can't recommend him highly enough!
Sunday, October 19, 2003
C'mon, babe, why don't we paint the town...
...and all that Jazz!
We just watched Chicago. I loved it. I always like musicals. They leave me wanting to sing and dance my way through the day. Ordinary things like doing the dishes and shooting your husband seem so much more interesting when you do them to a beat! They also leave me feeling sad that I can't sing and dance the way the shiny people on the tv screen can. Ah, well.
We just watched Chicago. I loved it. I always like musicals. They leave me wanting to sing and dance my way through the day. Ordinary things like doing the dishes and shooting your husband seem so much more interesting when you do them to a beat! They also leave me feeling sad that I can't sing and dance the way the shiny people on the tv screen can. Ah, well.
Nesting
Now that we have our new couch, I am rearranging everything in the whole house. The old couch goes into the spare room (I come from the land of Spare Oom) and turns it back into the game room it was originally supposed to be. The very 80's day bed is either going to a relative's or hitting the curb. The kitchen is being reorganized with the new shelves (still uncomplete thanks to IKEA and their FABULOUS ordering system) and the bedroom lost its Back Alley Charm when I moved the kitty litter to the game room. Things have been all moved around and each time I move into a new room it feels like I am staying at a hotel or breaking in a new house. Without all the hassle of doing either. :)
Saturday, October 18, 2003
Another Brick in the Wall
It's interesting how some people have no idea of how hurtful their words may be. I had an experience related to work that illustrated that rather strongly the other day. The whole thing left me feeling very inadequate, disheartened and betrayed. It did give me a new outlook on my situation and led to a very nice day with my class. Almost as though these kids, who originally seemed like part of the problem, became some of my strongest supporters. And they have no idea. Anyway, I am hoping that I can keep this new outlook going strong, because it is much more acceptable to me than sobbing my heart out at the end of the day. We'll see.
I apologize for the vagueness. Too many unknown readers here. The rest of you know where to look.
I apologize for the vagueness. Too many unknown readers here. The rest of you know where to look.
Tuesday, October 14, 2003
More Signs
These ones are of the picket variety.
The grocery store workers union is striking against Von's. In retaliation (or support, depending on who's side you are on, I guess) Albertson's and Ralph's workers are locked out. There are lots of people handing out fliers and standing on street corners. Luckily, Mikey and I did a mega shopping trip a couple of days ago. I have no desire to cross that line - first because I support them and second, because I have heard that they are being very aggressive. I don't support that, but I still have no desire to deal with it.
The Stater Bro's isn't striking or locking out employees, because they have a "sweetheart contract" which apparently means that they will reap the benefits of the strike without any of the risks. Doesn't seem fair to me. Not only are their employees still able to earn wages, but the store is raking in the dough because no one wants to cross the picket lines at the other place.
I wonder where I can go to avoid this whole thing all together. Are there any stores that have a different union or are not connected for some other reason? I will have to look that up before our next shopping trip.
Oh! Interesting side note...one of my students has a parent who is picketing and she asked me for poster board the other day so she could make a sign to carry that night.
The grocery store workers union is striking against Von's. In retaliation (or support, depending on who's side you are on, I guess) Albertson's and Ralph's workers are locked out. There are lots of people handing out fliers and standing on street corners. Luckily, Mikey and I did a mega shopping trip a couple of days ago. I have no desire to cross that line - first because I support them and second, because I have heard that they are being very aggressive. I don't support that, but I still have no desire to deal with it.
The Stater Bro's isn't striking or locking out employees, because they have a "sweetheart contract" which apparently means that they will reap the benefits of the strike without any of the risks. Doesn't seem fair to me. Not only are their employees still able to earn wages, but the store is raking in the dough because no one wants to cross the picket lines at the other place.
I wonder where I can go to avoid this whole thing all together. Are there any stores that have a different union or are not connected for some other reason? I will have to look that up before our next shopping trip.
Oh! Interesting side note...one of my students has a parent who is picketing and she asked me for poster board the other day so she could make a sign to carry that night.
Ups and Downs
It's funny how things balance out. Sometimes I am thrilled with my class and my teaching and the challenges they both offer to me. This usually happens shortly after days that make me wonder whether I really want to spend the next 40 years of my life in this field. It all balances out in the end.
"And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make" ~ John Lennon
"And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make" ~ John Lennon
Faith
I have recently come to the realization that I am a person of faith. I believe that there is some greater purpose to life than just living, breeding and dying. Academically, it makes no sense, but I believe it anyway.
This seems like something I should have already known. I mean, I talk about fate and feeling as though things are happening for a reason all the time. I have lived my entire adult life with the understanding that things will work out the way they are supposed to even if it doesn't seem that way at any given moment. I have always had faith.
What I am just now realizing is that it is okay for it to not make sense. I don't have to understand it. I don't have to be able to explain it. I just have to believe in it. And I do.
Now I know.
This seems like something I should have already known. I mean, I talk about fate and feeling as though things are happening for a reason all the time. I have lived my entire adult life with the understanding that things will work out the way they are supposed to even if it doesn't seem that way at any given moment. I have always had faith.
What I am just now realizing is that it is okay for it to not make sense. I don't have to understand it. I don't have to be able to explain it. I just have to believe in it. And I do.
Now I know.
Saturday, October 11, 2003
On Writing
I was so excited to find that I had the ability to write drafts and save them for later publishing. Now I realize that I don't write that way. I spew out my thoughts and emotions in a flood of words and send them off into the great unknown for others to read. I rarely edit, beyond the brief check for misspelled words. If I set something aside to consider it before publishing, I find that my affection for it has cooled when I return, the words turned brittle and dry, like so many autumn leaves. If it isn't good enough to post right away, it never will be good enough for me.
I was this same way when when I wrote poetry in high school. Usually, I could force words to string themselves together in a technically poetic way, but I knew none of it was any good. There was one assignment, however, that touched me. It struck a nerve and with tears streaming down my face, I scribbled out a poem in a matter of minutes. I never read that poem without feeling an echo of that initial emotion and I always marvel that it came from me. Occasionally, I manage to capture that same inspiration when posting here. Those are the days that I look back at most often, amazed that I have written something that even I can respect.
I was this same way when when I wrote poetry in high school. Usually, I could force words to string themselves together in a technically poetic way, but I knew none of it was any good. There was one assignment, however, that touched me. It struck a nerve and with tears streaming down my face, I scribbled out a poem in a matter of minutes. I never read that poem without feeling an echo of that initial emotion and I always marvel that it came from me. Occasionally, I manage to capture that same inspiration when posting here. Those are the days that I look back at most often, amazed that I have written something that even I can respect.
Sympathy vs Empathy
I am being told (see previous post) by the "powers that be"* that I need to quit feeling sorry for myself and just get on with the job that needs to be done. That it's better for me to do my best and have mediocre results than to give up and get no results at all.
Why do I accept this message from a random assortment of paragraphs found in a random assortment of readings but not from the teachers I work with every day? Perhaps because I can accept this advise better from a source that has some authority in my eyes. The teachers in my support circle all feel sorry for me and my situation, but none of them have been through it themselves. I guess I accept the "powers that be" as a source that have (has?) been in my shoes, or at least ones of similar size, color and style. I recognize this advice as being empathic - showing actual understanding - rather than just sympathetic - sharing the resulting emotion - towards my feelings of fear, anger, overwhelmedness, and impotence.
Anyway. All I am trying to say is that I am working on taking their (powers, co-workers, boss) advice. I am working at adjusting my expectations to levels that are possible and accepting my limitations for what they are - a product of my age, inexperience and position right now, not a permanent part of my life. I'm working at it.
*No, I don't actually have any idea who/what/if the "powers that be" are, but I have faith that they know what they are talking about. I'm sure that makes little sense to anyone. I can't explain it. I just know it makes sense to me.
Why do I accept this message from a random assortment of paragraphs found in a random assortment of readings but not from the teachers I work with every day? Perhaps because I can accept this advise better from a source that has some authority in my eyes. The teachers in my support circle all feel sorry for me and my situation, but none of them have been through it themselves. I guess I accept the "powers that be" as a source that have (has?) been in my shoes, or at least ones of similar size, color and style. I recognize this advice as being empathic - showing actual understanding - rather than just sympathetic - sharing the resulting emotion - towards my feelings of fear, anger, overwhelmedness, and impotence.
Anyway. All I am trying to say is that I am working on taking their (powers, co-workers, boss) advice. I am working at adjusting my expectations to levels that are possible and accepting my limitations for what they are - a product of my age, inexperience and position right now, not a permanent part of my life. I'm working at it.
*No, I don't actually have any idea who/what/if the "powers that be" are, but I have faith that they know what they are talking about. I'm sure that makes little sense to anyone. I can't explain it. I just know it makes sense to me.
Sign In, Sign Out, Sign On, Sign Off
A new recurring theme...
"We have every option open to us. We can do anything. But we're trained to look for a quick and easy solution that will let us go back to our ordinary lives, and it doesn't work that way. If you want to do something, you're going to have to be dedicated and committed. You have to keep at it, day after day...That's the way things change. You want a magic fix that will enable you to go back to watching television tomorrow? It's not there."
~ Noam Chomsky, interviewed in The Sun, issue 334
"Rather than deny the existence of something he couldn't perceive himself, he acknowledged the authenticity of his uncertainty and carried on, praying in the face of his doubt. After all, Ignatius of Loyola, a soldier who had killed and whored and made a thorough mess of his soul, said you could judge prayer worthwhile simply if you could act more decently, think more clearly afterward. As D.W. once told him, "Son, sometimes it's enough just to act less like a shithead." And by that kindly if inelegant standard, Emilio Sandoz could believe himself to be a man of God."
~ Mary Doria Russell, The Sparrow
I was talking with my father the other day regarding signs and their meaning and importance. He shared that he gets most of his "messages" (my word, not his) through music, words and phrases popping out while the rest fades into the background. After thinking about it, I realized that mine happen the same way with books as the medium. I will be reading along, feeling thoroughly caught up in a story when suddenly a sentence or paragraph will strike me as particularly vibrant, not because of how it relates to the story, but because of how it relates to my life.
As my father and I discussed, the importance of these signs isn't in their existence, but rather in one's reaction to them. The first step, noticing them, is not nearly so important as the second, acting upon them. The signs that go un-noticed remain just that. The signs that go ignored become mistakes, missed opportunities and reason for self-recrimination. Can I learn to act on these signs that I am so often recognizing? Do I want to? Wouldn't it just be easier to return to ignorance and never know what I am missing? Simpler to pretend that my life is the result of fate rather than the result of my reactions and free-will?
"We have every option open to us. We can do anything. But we're trained to look for a quick and easy solution that will let us go back to our ordinary lives, and it doesn't work that way. If you want to do something, you're going to have to be dedicated and committed. You have to keep at it, day after day...That's the way things change. You want a magic fix that will enable you to go back to watching television tomorrow? It's not there."
~ Noam Chomsky, interviewed in The Sun, issue 334
"Rather than deny the existence of something he couldn't perceive himself, he acknowledged the authenticity of his uncertainty and carried on, praying in the face of his doubt. After all, Ignatius of Loyola, a soldier who had killed and whored and made a thorough mess of his soul, said you could judge prayer worthwhile simply if you could act more decently, think more clearly afterward. As D.W. once told him, "Son, sometimes it's enough just to act less like a shithead." And by that kindly if inelegant standard, Emilio Sandoz could believe himself to be a man of God."
~ Mary Doria Russell, The Sparrow
I was talking with my father the other day regarding signs and their meaning and importance. He shared that he gets most of his "messages" (my word, not his) through music, words and phrases popping out while the rest fades into the background. After thinking about it, I realized that mine happen the same way with books as the medium. I will be reading along, feeling thoroughly caught up in a story when suddenly a sentence or paragraph will strike me as particularly vibrant, not because of how it relates to the story, but because of how it relates to my life.
As my father and I discussed, the importance of these signs isn't in their existence, but rather in one's reaction to them. The first step, noticing them, is not nearly so important as the second, acting upon them. The signs that go un-noticed remain just that. The signs that go ignored become mistakes, missed opportunities and reason for self-recrimination. Can I learn to act on these signs that I am so often recognizing? Do I want to? Wouldn't it just be easier to return to ignorance and never know what I am missing? Simpler to pretend that my life is the result of fate rather than the result of my reactions and free-will?
Viva la Alberson's
I went to make Mikey pancakes for breakfast this morning only to realize that we had no eggs, no milk and were low on flour and sugar. We scrounged a quick breakfast and headed to the grocery store. We went a little overboard, buying 5 loaves of bread (sale), oj and butter that we really didn't need, and a pile of frozen meals. It was fun. Adding to the feeling of stocking up before a crisis was the constant hum of excitement concerning the upcoming grocery store strike. People were acting like the world as we know it was about to come to an end. We bought our food and headed home just in time for me to finish making the pancakes for lunch instead. Yum.
Friday, October 10, 2003
Everybody's Workin' for the Weekend!
No, I didn't get lost in the IKEA warehouse. I have been working hard this week so that I can once again have a weekend free from school. It's been a good week. Busy, but good.
The class is now separated into individual desks, and we are doing mostly individual work instead of groups. This helps the kids focus and remember that they need to be working without talking.
Anyone who has missing work is on lunch detention for the day. On Wednesday, I had 17 of my 23 students in. Yesterday, it was 15. Someday, I will once again be able to leave my room and eat lunch with grownups, but for now I am just happy to see work getting turned in. :) I finally found something that has some meaning to the students.
I am still having the same big behavior issues - complete lack of organization in some, complete lack of respect for other - but we are working on those things and it can only get better. Now, please excuse me. I have to get everything done today so that I can head back down to IKEA and buy all those things I looked at last weekend!
The class is now separated into individual desks, and we are doing mostly individual work instead of groups. This helps the kids focus and remember that they need to be working without talking.
Anyone who has missing work is on lunch detention for the day. On Wednesday, I had 17 of my 23 students in. Yesterday, it was 15. Someday, I will once again be able to leave my room and eat lunch with grownups, but for now I am just happy to see work getting turned in. :) I finally found something that has some meaning to the students.
I am still having the same big behavior issues - complete lack of organization in some, complete lack of respect for other - but we are working on those things and it can only get better. Now, please excuse me. I have to get everything done today so that I can head back down to IKEA and buy all those things I looked at last weekend!
Saturday, October 04, 2003
Be Unboring!
We're heading south for lunch with the parents-in-law. It should be fun because we are going to re-visit the place that we went to for our "groom's lunch". It has changed from a Chinese place to a Korean place and we are wondering if it is under new ownership or just a bold new look. I am hoping for the latter, as we had developed a bit of a relationship with the previous owner. My purse was a wedding present from her (given at said "groom's lunch") complete with a packet of lucky money (still unopened).
After lunch we are heading further south to stop at IKEA and mayhap get some cheap furniture. My couch is even older than the coffee table my father and step-mother couldn't bear to part with! :) I am especially excited at the thought of real kitchen shelves rather than the jokes we put up ourselves.
After lunch we are heading further south to stop at IKEA and mayhap get some cheap furniture. My couch is even older than the coffee table my father and step-mother couldn't bear to part with! :) I am especially excited at the thought of real kitchen shelves rather than the jokes we put up ourselves.
Memories
The sound of loud, excited teenaged voices nudged me from my sleep at approximately 6:00 am this morning. Instead of irritating me, it brought back memories of early morning awakenings in my childhood. All the fun trips start at the crack of dawn: the visits to Grandma and Grandpa's, the airport runs to Mexico and Hawaii, the cross-country treks to New Jersey and the Atlantic Ocean. There is something about waking up before the sun, stumbling through your morning routine and collapsing into the backseat of the old stationwagon that signifies the start of something wondersful. As I laid awake, I remembered and I wished those boys the best weekend they could have. Someday, they will be wakened by rowdy teenagers and I hope they remember too.
Friday, October 03, 2003
Overworked and overtired
I was at school until 9 pm tonight. I had to get everything done that I would have done on Sunday because I am NOT going to do any work for the next two days. I am just too tired and too overwhelmed. I have done nothing but eat, sleep and breath work for the last month and a half and it's just too much. I cried when I got home today. I was just too tired to do anything else. The frustration and stress have reached their breaking points.
Despite being at work for nearly 14 hours today I still have a pile of thing that need to be done. I have several assignments that need grading and recording. I have planning that could be done. I have assessments to give about half of my students as well as writing conferences that need to be had. I need to do observations and I need to look at the end of trimester tests that will be happening MUCH too soon. To top it all off...I have a book to read for staff development. All this, and no time to do it in. It is all I can do to keep things running in the classroom all day long and at the end of each day my To Do pile is taller and taller.
All I can do is my best, but that just isn't good enough these days.
Despite being at work for nearly 14 hours today I still have a pile of thing that need to be done. I have several assignments that need grading and recording. I have planning that could be done. I have assessments to give about half of my students as well as writing conferences that need to be had. I need to do observations and I need to look at the end of trimester tests that will be happening MUCH too soon. To top it all off...I have a book to read for staff development. All this, and no time to do it in. It is all I can do to keep things running in the classroom all day long and at the end of each day my To Do pile is taller and taller.
All I can do is my best, but that just isn't good enough these days.
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