Fight or Flight

Human being are genetically engineered to physically respond to any threat to their well-being. At the first sign of danger our bodies prepare to either fight the good fight or run like hell. Our heartbeats, breathing rate and adrenaline levels all go up in anticipation. This response takes a large amount of energy and is not something that can be sustained for long.

I feel as though I am in a constant state of fight or flight these days. I spend every waking moment battling to keep my head above water (in the classroom) or frantically trying to recover (at home). I am caught in a whirlwind of emotions - all coming and going randomly throughout the day.

Today alone I was
-angry at a system that has failed and continues to fail a struggling student
-proud of a team that refuse to sit down and accept failure of the system
-frustrated by a lack of understanding
-proud of hard work and self-motivation
-overwhelmed by lack of effort
-brought to tears by helplessness
-fearful that I am failing at the only thing I truly care about doing
-supported by a friend
-digusted by continued patronizing and condescension
-hugged by 8 small people who recognize a pain that grownups are refusing to acknowledge
-laughing with joy at the learning happening in my classroom
-clenching my teeth with resentment over lost lunch minutes
-glad to bring laughter to a friend's face

All this swirling emotion is slowly grinding me down. At 12:25 this afternoon, my body abruptly switched from fight mode to flight mode and it was all I could do to make myself stay at work. For 15 minutes all I wanted to do was lock the door, turn out the lights and sob. Instead, I took a deep breath, walked down the hall and attended the meeting that had been scheduled during my lunch hour. Of course, the day got better and I dismissed my class at 3:15 with a smile and a wave. That doesn't negate the fact that I am becoming emotionally unable to deal with simple, everyday situations. Thing that wouldn't ordinarily phase me, are sending me into tailspins that are increasingly harder to come out of. Something has to change.