Madam Mysterio

I am going to have to be vague and mysterious more often. It gets my comments jumpin'.

Usually when I am hesitant to divulge details it is because I am angry or upset enough that I am afraid I will say something that I come to regret later. Some of my family members read here and I don't want to cause problems by ranting first and thinking later. Others of my family don't read here and I don't want my blog to be the secret club where we all bash on them behind their backs. I guess I don't want to be writing things here that I wouldn't be willing to say to their faces. If this were a private blog and I were the only one reading, it might be different, but it isn't and I'm not.

My current challenge was facing someone I love very much with something that I knew was going to hurt her but that had to be said. It had to be said because it has been slowly eating me up inside for the last...well, if I were to really be honest, I guess it would be almost 10 years. We talked. There were tears. I have no idea if anything will change from it, but it feels good to have it out in the open. I'm not much good at secrets - more of a heart on my sleeve kind of girl. This is the difficult challenge I was awaiting. I had left a couple of messages and I was waiting for the return call.

I am reading this over and realizing that it probably sounds like I am trying to be dramatic and mysterious. I'm not. I just don't feel comfortable writing about it in further detail. But I will say this: The fear of confrontation is always worse than the confrontation itself. At least that is my experience. Oh, and I'll say this too: Putting up a wall to protect the feelings of someone else is no good if it turns into a prison for your own feelings.

The Last Day

Today is my last day of doing whatever I want, whenever I want. I am spending the next week getting my classroom into spitspot shape and then after 2 weeks of MN travel, I will be donning the mantle of educator once again. I will miss hanging around the house, all footloose and fancy free, but I am looking forward to it.

Grrr

When I finally make up my mind to do something challenging or frightening, I hate having to wait until it happens.

To Mikey:

Thank you for the way you asked if you could make me a sandwich a minute ago.
Thank you for the lovely walk we shared an hour ago.
Thank you for the way you called to check if I had put on my sunscreen a day ago.
Thank you for making a dump run last week, even though you didn't want to.
Thank you for all the effort you put into our big move last month.
Thank you for the caretaking and support in the last year.
Thank you for the promises that you made 3 years ago (and for keeping them so well since!).
Thank you for talking through the night with me 5 years ago.

I truly can't imagine what my life would be like without you to share every up, every down, every dumb thought that crosses my mind. You are my best friend and I love you more than I will ever be able to tell you. Share another year with me?

Drama

Ugh.
*I thought I left this "he said", "she said", "he told her to tell me to tell you" bullshit behind in highschool. I hated it then and I hate it even more now.
*Why do I always end up feeling like the only adult in a conversation with people twice my age?
*Why are so many people so addicted to the fucking drama of life, rather than dealing with it, getting over it, and moving on?
*Oh, and another thing...quit laying your fucking guilt trips on me. If you have issues, that's fine. Take care of them. But don't try to make it look like I'm the one with the problems.
Sheesh.

/rant
We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming, already in progress. Have a nice night.

Goin' to the Beach!

I'm heading to the beach this afternoon to soak up some Vit D and breath in some salt air. There will be little ones to play with, food to snack on, and delightful company. If that isn't a perfect day, I don't know what is.

New Secrets

There are new secrets up. I don't know which I like better - seeing the baring and sharing of souls, or the amazing artwork that goes along with it.

First Day

She climbed out of the car, grabbing her books and backpack. As she walked toward the front of the school, a million questions swirled in her head. Will 5th grade be that much harder than 4th grade? What if she can't do it? What if all her friends forget about her, now that they are separated? She pushed those thoughts aside and followed the crowd inside.

She already knew which room she would be in. Even though she was supposed to be outside, she took a minute to walk past it. Peeking through the windows, she could see row upon row of desks. She checked the class list posted on the door - there was her name, along with 32 others. How would she keep track of all those people? Would they treat her nicely? Gathering her courage she headed out to the playground.

She found her friends right away, bunched together, discussing their summer vacations. They chatted until the bell rang, then said goodbye and walked toward their class lines. They wouldn't see each other again until recess. As she joined her line walking into class, she look at each face. Some she knew from last year, others were new to her. She wondered how she would feel about them after a whole year of sharing a room.

When they got inside, they all put their things away. As the shuffling and whispering died down, she slowly raised her hand for attention. Here we go. Time to make a first impression. Everyone turned to her as she opened her mouth to speak...

"Hello, everyone. My name is Mrs. H. Welcome to the first day of school."

Gandhi

I've started reading a biography of M. Gandhi's life, and I must say, it is comforting to know that it wasn't until he was my age that he slowly started making a difference. The beginning of his life was filled with shyness, self-doubt, failure, and struggles like everyone else. Not to mention that even as he developed his public life of volunteer work and good deeds in the name of human rights, he was still dealing with the trials and tribulations of family life. Gives me hope that I might still do something great despite my discomfort with groups, my imperfect personality, and my lack of experience. He accomplished what he did through sheer force of will, or as he called it satyagraha - "soul force". I like to hope that I have some satyagraha myself, although I am still in the early stages of learning how to use it.

Stuff

We went jogging today. Well, to be honest, we went walking and it involved a short (about 1 long block) amount of jogging. But it was up a hill! We saw many tracks (coyote, dog, quail, human, automobile), chatted with the neighbors as they drove by ('cause that's what we country folk do), and enjoyed the fresh air.
The jogging caused my breathing tubes to tighten in a slightly uncomfortable way. That always used to happen when I was a kid and I ran too much, too. It was never bad enough to mention it (so I never knew I had asthma until a few years ago), but enough to make running unpleasant. If we keep this jogging thing up, I'll have to start using the inhaler.
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If only I could get everyone I know to keep online journals. They wouldn't even have to write anything all that private. If they just mentioned a few of their daily activities in an online place, I would have a place to keep in touch with them. I really like being able to keep up with Amy, Raya, Amber, and Paul's lives this way. Makes me feel like I actually know them, rather than just being related to them. And of course, being able to check on Kate's progress daily makes it easier to stop worrying and start sending healing vibes.
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My vacation is almost over. I have another week to lounge around and then the chaos starts. I spend the first week getting my classroom all sparkly and organized for the upcoming class. Then I have to pack and I spend 2 weeks bouncing around MN like a crazed (but happy) pinball. Upon my return, the summer will have dissolved into the brand-spanking-new school year.
Surprisingly, I am not sad about that. I have had time to do the relaxing and playing and visiting and sleeping and reading that I wanted to do. By the time I go back to school, I will have visited with friends and family alike, both at home and away. It has been nice, but I am looking forward to that first day with that shining sea of new faces waiting for me. If the summer lasts too much longer, I will start taking it for granted.
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There was an amazing thunder and lightening storm the other night. It woke us up several times - mostly to ooh and aah, but once to run around shutting windows before the rains soaked everything. There was evidence of a fire off in the distance, which had us a little nervous, but it was gone by morning. The ground soaked the water up quickly and the plants are already looking a little greener. Of course, that won't last long. It was quite spectacular.

Shake What Yo Momma Gave You

I was at a dance recital today. Very cute. The kids did a great job and I really enjoyed it. But I have to ask...do we really want our 10 and 11 year olds shaking their rumps to an audience while the speakers blare "TOO MUCH BOOTY IN YOUR PANTS"?

Just wondering.

Whoa.

My husband always gets up before me. While I finish my sleeping, he takes a shower, checks his e-mail, and has his breakfast. This is not just routine, it is ritual. Imagine my surprise when I woke up this morning to find that, instead, he had gone JOGGING. Imagine my dismay when I heard myself offering to go with him tomorrow...

Now That the House has Been Warmed...

I promised that I would show some pics of the new house. Let it never be said that I don't keep my promises!




The kitchen. At our housewarming, everyone gathered around the island and chatted. It was perfect.




The living room. I'm not 100% sold on this arrangement, but it is a difficult shape considering that the wonderful view and the cozy fireplace are in opposite directions. I need a 2 directional couch!


The Non-Dining Room. We don't have a dining room table, nor do we have any need for one, so instead we have a conversation area. Very nice.


The Guest Bathroom. I am actually quite pleased with the decorating in this room. It is full of Mexican style wall-hangings with a solar theme.


The Retreat. This is my little get-away. It has all my school stuff, my sewing materials, and my game computer.


The Bedroom. Spacious and comfortable. What more could you ask for?


The Master Bathroom. Not nearly as nicely decorated, but quite acceptable. That big bathtub has doubled as a swimming pool during this heatwave!

Oh - and here's the scarf that I finished knitting last week...

On Learning

At lunch, we were talking about education and its purpose. I had mentioned to a friend that I was working towards my masters and she started talking about getting a doctorate (she's already completed her masters). From what she said, it involved lots of research, publishing, and college level teaching. She is very interested in taking this step eventually.

Not me. I want my education to add new things to my knowledge base. I would rather be a Jack-of-all-Trades than an expert in anything. I am working towards my masters because there are benefits beyond just the educational ones. Instead of going for a doctorate, I suspect I will start to branch out into other fields - all related to my teaching in some way, of course.

I am already doing this on a very basic/relaxed level, much of it self-taught. My sewing, my guitar, my interest in Spanish - all are attempts to make myself both more accessible to students and more capable of reaching them. Since I intend to work in a classroom setting rather than an administrative/scientific/collegiate one, I think breadth is more important than depth. I don't ever want to get so far into the theory of what I do that I forget about the practice of it.

I happened to mention to Mikey that computer programming might be something I could get into someday. Being an International Man of Action, he offered to start teaching me immediately. There was much sharing of knowledge for the next 2 hours.


Eventually, I was able to create a black screen with a green line on it.


Then I made several lines, positioned in such a way as to get a pretty green rectangle out of them.


The coolest part was making the rectangle drift off to one side. We even messed around with the refresh so it looked really cool.

Keep Dancing, Kate

There was a box in the mail today. It contained a t-shirt and 2 bracelets. The t-shirt says "Grant Kate's Wish" and the bracelets read "Keep Dancing". I tore open the box right there at the mail counter and put on my bracelet. The timing couldn't have been better since Kate started her tests in San Fran today. Thanks to T and K for helping me get in the loop. If you know how wonderful Kate is (or even if you don't), you should drop her a note. She needs all the love and support she can get.

Enough Already

It was hot enough here today that I started feeling sick in the afternoon. A cool shower took care of it, but for awhile I was not a happy camper. It has been between 100 and 110 degrees for a week now and I am ready for a break. Thankfully, we are promised some rain/thunderstorms on tomorrow. That should do it.

Stylistic Differences

When my husband writes something, he works it over and over, picking the precise wording and punctuation to express himself. He goes back when he's all done to reread, checking each sentence. Consequently, he usually says what he means and means what he says.

When I write, I edit as I go. As each sentence is being formed, it goes through many incarnations, but once it's done, I move on. If I don't catch the problem as it occurs, it stays where it is, immortalized forever. I rarely read my posts from beginning to end, since all I want is to get the thoughts out of my head and onto "paper". Unfortunately for you, Gentle Readers, this means most of my posts are rambling and disjointed. Although I know this means I will never be as famous or well-read as others (Dooce!), I find that this style serves its purpose well. The thought demons that have been purged here rarely sneak back in to haunt my sleep. That's all I ask.

Observations

I just finished reading my blog list through for the morning. I have almost 40 sites that I visit regularly. Some are family related, but most are complete strangers. I prefer sites that update often, but some are ones that are worth the wait. I find my addiction to these sites quite facinating. Why am I so eager to read them - sometimes multiple times a day?

I have always enjoyed the stories that give insight into people's minds and daily lives. One of the reasons I like Stephen King's writing so much is that he really focuses on the little things that make his characters seem real. We know what they are doing, the reasoning behind it, and their thoughts at the time. I get really hooked on this information.

I have often thought that if I had a slightly less developed sense of right and wrong I would spend all my time peeping in people's windows at night, crouched outside with a drinking glass pressed up against the door. I am intensely curious about the conversations people have while I'm not around, not so much because they might be talking about me, but because I like to know the secrets that they have. I would probably have made a great CIA agent. Or perhaps I should contact the White House and offer up my services for the Homeland Security folks.

Instead, I read blogs. The underlying theme to my bloglist is that of humor, intensity, and personal insight. These authors hold the good, the bad, and the ugly of their lives up to the light for inspection and I am more than happy to squeeze in there next to them, getting my peek. From them I have learned that life is all about the mundane, the everyday, the common, with a splash of excitement from time to time, adding just the right flavor.

My blogsurfing provides me with so many moments - the "Wow, I'm Glad That's Not My Life" moments, the "Wait - You've Been Through That Too?" moments, and the "I Can't Wait Until That Happens To Me" moments. It is these moments that help me frame my own life. We recognize things through comparisons to others, and life is no different. We're all asking ourselves, "Is my life bigger/faster/cleaner/safer/louder/longer/happier than the ones of those around me?" Once we know that, we know where we stand and can chart our path.

So, when I sit down each day to observe the paths of people I have never met (and most likely never will), I am doing more than just Peeping. I'm learning. Or maybe this is all just an elaborate justification for sitting on my ass in front of the computer when I should be vacuuming. Either way, I'm enjoying it.

Par-tay Time

This afternoon, I am having some of my coolest pals over for a housewarming get-together. Actually, another friend and I are doing a "progressive housewarming". We start at my place for snacks and head to hers for dinner. This is a group of people who never fail to make me belly laugh and I am sincerely looking forward to that. :)

ONE of Us Screamed Like a Girl

Last night, Zazzy was hunting the biggest freakin' bug I have ever seen in my life. It is obvious that it is a centipede of some kind, but you would think that the centipede identification process were a well protected government secret given the difficulty we have had identifying just what kind it is. They say it's a good thing to have them, because they eat the bugs that are in your house and with our 104 degree temps lately there are plenty of bugs seeking refuge in the house. I would be more inclined to let it stay and less inclined to STOMP IT TO DEATH if it weren't so creepy looking. Did you look at that thing? Imagine trying to sleep knowing there is one not 3 feet away from you, ready to climb into bed and snuggle up next to you.

Despite his obvious horror, Mikey made a valiant attempt to capture the thing (while I held the cats at bay), but instead of allowing itself to be put outside like a good bug should do, it squeezed its way into a tiny crack in a doorframe. Eventually, we worked up the courage to turn out the lights again, hoping that Zazzy would continue her vigilant guard until morning.

You should really read Mikey's account of the event. It made me snort water up my nose.

PS - It wasn't really so much of a scream, as a shouted vulgarity in frantic pitches. And it WASN'T me.

But You Can Call Me MASTER.

Finally, after 5 years, I have decided it is time to do some more learning. I am going to start working on my Masters of Education in Curriculum and Instruction. However, since I don't really know what aspect of education I am really that interested in (and since the thought of writing a paragraph here can make me break out in a sweat, nevermind the thought of putting together a thesis paper), I am not really putting all that much effort into it. I have signed up with a college that runs its program in an at-home, self-paced, through-the-mail kind of way. Over the next year, in my spare time, I will be reading textbooks, answering study guide questions, and taking tests. When I am done, I will get a nice, little raise, which is really what this is all about. Without this program, it is another couple of years and several college credits before I see any increase at all in my paycheck. I am a little ashamed to be doing this in such a half-assed manner and for such a materialistic reason, but I figure that I have lots of time to figure out what my real focus will be and then I will go back to school again. Besides, I am going to get as much out of this as I TRY to get out of it.

Getting the Hang of It

1. Today I had a friend out to see the house for the first time. She and her daughter stayed for about 3 hours and we just hung around, chatting. I remembered to offer them something to drink and I managed to keep up my end of the conversation. I'm proud of myself. Do you suppose it is the confidence I have in my new house? Or that I am growing up some? Or something else entirely?

2. I have gotten comfortable with this crocheting thing that I am starting a blanket. That was the whole purpose of learning, you remember. It is going well so far, although at this rate, it is going to be summer again before I get it done.

The Truth is Out There

Everyone thinks they have some huge secret that no one else could possibly understand. Admit it, there is something that you have never, ever, ever told anyone, not even your bestest of friends. Well, guess what? You're not the only one.

How do I know? I have read the secrets at Post Secret. My secret was there. I bet yours is too.

And if it isn't? Why not send it in so someone else can know that they aren't alone?

By the Numbers

1 = cat run sides that are framed in
16 = 2"x4"x8' boards purchased at Home Depot
2 = college graduates working on the project
24 = nails currently holding project together
6 = hours spent on the project so far
8 = nails lying mangled and broken on the garage floor
4 = times I had to walk away for fear of throwing that good-for-nothing hammer through a wall
12 = cuts through said 2"x4"x8's with a hand saw
235 = degrees F above 0 in the shade, at 4:00 pm in Anza this afternoon
0 = screws of correct size to be found in our garage

I am having trouble with this handy-man crap. I don't know how people managed to get things built before power tools. It took me forever to make those cuts and drive those nails. I can't even imagine putting up a barn or a house this way. Wow.

Don't mind me, I'll just lie here until I feel better.

Many of you have been reading for a long time, and most of you have known me for much of my life, so it is no big revelation to tell you that I have difficulty with change. Someday, I will learn to deal with it. In the meantime, you get the entertainment of seeing me flounder through life. Lucky you.

I got a letter from my mother the other day. You see, she got remarried a few years ago and things have been a little...awkward...between us. I like the guy fine, but it's still very strange for me - a big change that I have had a lot of trouble coming to terms with. In an effort to keep things peaceful and calm, I just ignored the problems rather than facing up to them, as I am wont to do. Obviously, I did a poor job of hiding my feelings, because I was confronted with them in the letter.

Normally, I would reply immediately that all was well and there was nothing to worry about. That is what I do - I am a peacemaker and I hate to make waves (within my family, at least). But this time was different. Instead, I wrote a long letter explaining all of my worries and frustrations and fears. I laid my emotions out bare for her to see and sent them off through the ionosphere to her computer.

It is supposed to feel good to come clean about things. I should be glad to have these things off my chest and out in the open. So why, from the minute I hit send, have I been having the kind of stomach pains that leave me curled up in a fetal position under my desk? I have selfishly spewed out my feelings and sent them to her to deal with. As if she doesn't have enough problems.

Good grief.

And they're off!

We bought the materials for our cat-run. Let the building commence.

Oh, and if anyone knows a good reason why I shouldn't nail the thing to the outside of my house, please speak now! Thanks.

Hmph.

You know when you are doing something (never you mind what) that you know you probably shouldn't be doing, but you keep doing (despite your intentions to clean up your act and quite doing it) and then you get called out for doing it? Yeah. That is no fun.

And then you know how you kind of knew you might eventually be called out on it before you would be able to pull yourself together and quit, so you did it in a way that allowed for an excuse (however feeble), and you are going to be able to avoid most of the fallout because of your forsight? That is a relief, no?

Worth It

I spent day with several girlfriends yesterday. One was celebrating a birthday and her husband planned a Girl's Day filled with all her favorite things - classy restaurants, beach walks, rep. theatre, hanging out. It was a total blast.

The only problem? I forgot to put on sunscreen and burned the crap out of my face. I didn't notice it happening because it was overcast and breezy, but by the end of the evening I could tell I was a bit too pink. I woke up this morning feeling like I have a slight fever. Until it goes away I will have to listen to Mikey chastise me for risking my skin's health, and I will be uncomfortable for the next few days. But the day full of friendship and conversation was so worth it.

Sick-o.

While at Home Depot yesterday, we looked at chest freezers. Looking into the biggest one, I said to Mikey, "Hey! You wouldn't even have to chop me up to fit me in here."

Then I realized that there was a saleslady sitting at her desk a few feet to my right. My first thougth was, "Heh. I bet she hears that kind of thing all the time." My second thought was, "Boy, I hope she hears that kind of thing all the time."

HA!

"Perhaps the Alabama Development Office could pilot a demonstration Intelligent Design automobile manufacturing plant. Just bring in a few raw materials, say a prayer, and wait for God to put it all together."

S'cuse me. I just snorted Sprite up my nose.

I need a truck!

We did indeed make our trip to The City yesterday, but we didn't manage to do everything we had planned. We did make some fun unplanned stops, however. I guess it all evens out.

Picture Frames:
I am not good at hanging/framing pictures. If I get something I like, I put it up, whether it's ready or not. I had a fine collection of pictures and artwork that all needed mats, frames or both. Before putting holes in the new walls, I decided to get the pictures looking good. Fortunately, the frame store was having a sale. For every frame we bought we could pick from a select few for a penny. That's right. One cent! I got everything framed and matted and beautiful for 1/2 what it would have cost otherwise. Whoohoo!

Crafting:
I am determined to learn how to crochet. I want to be able to make afghans and throw blankets, as nothing makes an evening quite so cozy. So, yesterday, I bought myself a couple of books and some yarn. What I have learned so far - crocheting is HARD. Much harder than knitting.
Speaking of which - I have completed a wintery scarf and I am beginning on one of those floofy ones that are so popular these days. It is a multicolored thing (blue, green, yellow) with little puffies throughout.
I am also working on a cross stitch. It is a gift that is due in August, so I am trying to hussle on it. Hmm. I just realized that I should have gotten a frame for it yesterday while the gettin' was good. Drat.

Shopping:
Once again spent way too much on food. This weekly menu thing is just giving us reason to buy too much and eat too much. Ideas on reducing?

Library:
We haven't been to the library in ages, but yesterday we spent ages there. I left with three mystery type novels, a book about the revolutionary war (studying up so I can teach it next year!), and a biography of Mahatma Gandhi. Will I get them done in the next two weeks? Of course!

Eating Out:
Scarcella's Italian Grill - If you're ever in Temecula, and you like Italian food, you really should try it. Yummy.
SubMarina - My new favorite vice is a 9" cheese on french bread, with lettuce, tomato, onion, black olives, salt/pepper, and LOTS of mayo. Yummy x2, because I had leftovers for today's lunch.

Home Despot:
My power tools of choice (lawn mower/weed wacker/leaf blower) are no longer very useful out here, so I had to get some new toys. In preparation for making the cat run, we got a new hammer, a staple/nail gun, and a miter box. (BTW - who's bright idea was it to make a guide for a wood saw out of WOOD? Just a thought I had yesterday.) We contemplated getting a miter saw, but couldn't yet justify the expense given our complete lack of skill (hence the miter box instead). Perhaps if we build the workbench for it to go on, we will have earned it?
Also, we didn't get the materials for the cat-run. There was no room left in the CRV. Next time.

City Slicken

In about an hour, we're going to crank up the horseless carriage for our weekly trip into the Big City. I am taking a pile of photos and paintings that need to be framed, as well as a well thought out grocery list. Our most exciting stop, however, will be at Home Depot where we will buy the supplies needed to build our very own, homemade cat-run AND a compost. I spent some time yesterday planning out the cat-run and I will be quite pleased if it is functional when it is all built. So will the cats.

Speaking of cats:

Thank you to everyone who sent healing vibes to our Zazzy. I don't know what was bothering her, but she seems to be over it. When she saw the vet yesterday, he gave her a clean bill of health (along with her annual vaccinations). She is once again eating and playing like her usual self. I think she got used to the extra attention though, because when she's not getting it she wanders around shouting at us. Lovely. Anyway, I appreciate the help in getting her back on her feet. :)

Interesting Question

Thought for the Day:

I found words to every thought I ever had, but one. . . .
--Emily Dickinson

What are some ways I try to express my feelings without using words?
______


I make the bed.
I let Mikey use Apple Cider Vinegar in his cooking.
I dance in the kitchen.
I tutor during my lunch time.
I slam doors.
I make gifts by hand.
I roll my eyes.
I do things that I would rather not.
I cry.
I hum a little tune.
I smile.
I clench my teeth.
I play hide and seek with Bonsai.
I throw birdseed in the yard.
I display student work around the room
I stop talking entirely (this one was added by my darling hubby, the unfortunate recipient of said silent treatment more often than he truly deserves)

How do YOU express yourself without words?

For My Mac Pals

Because my Mikey loves me and wants me to be happy** he is on the verge of releasing Loonyland for the Mac. Being as I am the one who washes his dishes and folds his laundry, I already have my version - 35% done, thank you very much - but you can get yours very soon at a Hamumu Website near you.

If you need something to entertain yourself with Right This Minute, you should check out Pumpkin Pop, which has already been ported for your gaming pleasure. Don't say I never did nothing for you.

** It has to be for this reason and not because he is hoping to rake in the money from sales to the poor, deprived Mac gamers, right?

Just a Thought

Love can make you crazy. Even when it's moved on, it can mess with you something awful. I don't think it's possible to every truly and completely recover from love.
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My first boyfriend was when I was in 9th grade. I was young and innocent and had yet to realize that parents could be disagreed with. I did my school work, fought with my siblings, and had a reputation for being "good". He was a heavy metal rocker. He had long, greasy hair, played in a band, and moved to the basement after a fight with his parents. He was tall and skinny and awkwardly adolescent.

We dated intensely, the way only high schoolers can do, walking with each other between classes and writing long letters every night. I would fold them intricately and slide them through the slats in his locker each morning. We attended school dances, spending much of the time holding hands on the bleachers and trying to think of something to say, and once or twice even went to a movie. (We went to see "JFK" because it was so long.) Eventually, my girlfriend convinced me that I could do better and I broke up with him. They started dating a month later.

For the next two years, I pined for him. No matter who I was seeing at any time, I always knew that I should have been with him. Although he probably never gave me another thought, I would watch him through the curtains from another friends house, swooning at the sight of him mowing the church lawn with no shirt on. I was never able to have a conversation with him again. There was too much I wanted to take back and too many daydreams in the way.
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When I was a junior, I had a crush on a senior boy. I say "crush" because he never really knew how I felt, flirting instead with my best friend (who, I must say, never flirted back because she knew how I felt), but I was In Love with this boy. For his attention, I would do anything. Skip class? Sure. Have a party while my parents are gone? Absolutely. Stay out past curfew to drive him home? My pleasure. He was another skinny, long haired, "bad boy" and I just knew that if I could take care of him, he would be saved. (I know...Puh-Leeze.)

We never became more than friends (although we were very good friends and I will always be grateful for that), and eventually we lost touch. I went to college and he moved to the cities to continue the life of a bad boy. I haven't seen him in years, but I know that if I were to bump into him tomorrow, I would be tongue-tied. I no longer need or want his attention, but I will probably feel that gut-slamming electricity that plagued my junior year for the rest of my life.
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As a freshman in college I had two main goals. 1) Become a teacher. 2) Move out of the dorms and into an apartment. When my boyfriend at the time graduated from high school, we immediately moved into a tiny efficiency apartment over a sewing shop. I had to tell the Dean of Students, a kind but interfering man, that I was getting married so he would excuse me from the dorms. Although I had every intention of marrying this guy, it wasn't for several years down the line.

He and I were together for 4 years - a lifetime when you are 20. My future was planned and it was completely and utterly wrapped around him. He decided not to go directly to college and I waited patiently as he experimented with a variety of callings. He had to find himself on a road trip to Alaska. Okay. He had to find himself by becoming vegetarian and gathering/drying his own herbs from the roadside. Fine. He had to find himself by screwing around with another woman under the guise of playing music. No Fucking Way. I kicked him out** and threw myself into my final year of college, student teaching by day and licking my wounds by night.

It was only after I started to move on that he started to regret what he had given up. When he realized that I was not going to sit there and wait for him to grow up, he suddenly wanted to be friends again. He would call and write and stop by just to chat when all I wanted was for him to fall off the face of the earth. The very sight of him was all it took to tear my slowly healing heart back into a million pieces.

That was 5 years ago. Since then I have gotten my degree, moved to CA, married a man that I love in a way that makes all those other loves look pale, and grown into a person I am fiercely proud of. I am so happy with my life, I could just burst. And yet, thinking of him and his betrayal still sends a spike through my heart. I was in MN recently and I stopped to visit with his parents. When he walked into the room my heart flinched just a little and I had to distract myself to keep from shouting "Why? Why did you do it?".

** What can be stated in four little words actually took many months and an amazing amount of denial before it came to be.
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As I said, love can mess you up. Love wraps you in a blanket of peace and joy, but at the same time it is wrapping tendrils so deeply into you that, like Morning Glory or Kudzu, you can never quite get rid of it all.

OMG!!!

THE QUAILS HAVE BABIES!
We were just watching the quails in our yard when we realized they were being followed by a herd of tiny little quail. They are TINY. Like 2 inches tall, tiny. They heard us oohing and ahhing and ran off...those little guys run FAST.
I will try to get pictures, but I suspect it will be difficult.



Oh. And Alien Resurrection was STUPID.

That is all.

Shit.

They say familiarity breeds contempt. I don't know about that, but I do know it tends to blind you to small, gradual changes. For the second time in her young life, my Zazzy girl is showing signs of health issues and I am feeling like a lousy mom because I have let it go on so long without noticing.

I got Pizzazz from the Escondido Humane Society, along with her cohort in crime, Huzzah, in October of 2000. This was immediately after moving into an apartment that would allow animals. I didn't know it at the time, but she was a Scottish Fold, known for those bent over ears and often plagued with joint problems. All I saw was a tiny, gray furball with droopy whiskers who curled up in my neck and became mine with one snuggle.

A couple of months later, we realized that Zazzy wasn't jumping up onto things like Huzzah was. In fact, after watching her, we noticed that often she would pull her body along the carpet with her front paws rather than bearing weight on her back legs. Taking her to the vet, I was informed that due to her double Scottish Foldedness she was suffering from an arthritis type pain in her joints. Although nothing could cure it, we were able to stop the pain with a cortisone shot. Since that day, she has taken a pill every day to enhance her cartileges (the feline equivalent of Glucosamine). Her mobility improved greatly, but the vet warned me to be ready for problems as she aged.

While Huzzah is like a cat-shaped dog, Zazzy has always been true to form. She is a finicky eater, spends lots of time sleeping in tucked away corners, and snuggles on her terms. That is not to say that she is aloof or antiaffectionate - she loves to play with the caps from water bottles and she gets very concerned when someone sneezes. For the past 5 years, she's been my girl, through and through.

Change has never been Zazzy's favorite thing. We have to stick to one brand of cat food and one kind of kitty litter or face the wrath that is a kitty on Box Strike. She hates when company comes or when we go away and we've been very creative with our Christmas trees because she won't tolerate a traditional one in the house. So, I wasn't really surprised or worried when it her some time to get used to the new house. I figured that the excess sleeping, the lack of appetite, and the constant hiding were symptoms of the move.

A couple of days ago, she stopped coming to her bowl even for breakfast time. (She never misses breakfast since that is when she gets her pill.) Last night, Mikey picked her up and commented on how light she was. Rather than playing with the cap that we tossed for her, she lost interest after failing to track its path. Her face, shoulders, and hips are far more angular than they should be and her eyes have a listless look. It is obvious that there is something wrong.

How could I have missed this for so long? I can only plead the distraction of moving and argue that I was lulled by her similar habits even when healthy. Neither is an excuse that I find acceptable. I will, however, hold off my self-recriminations until Friday afternoon. At three o'clock we will meet the new vet for the first time and hope that he can find a quick and easy cure to whatever is ailing her. I have to hope for that, because I can't imagine the alternative. I know that to some Zazzy is "just a cat", and there are much bigger concerns out there in the real world. But she is a major part of MY real world. Please send her some healing vibes and me some calming thoughts over the next 4 days.

Deep Thoughts

Yesterday we went to an event that had me thinking a lot. The big money maker in Temecula, the casino, was hosting a powwow, complete with dancing, booths full of turquoise jewelry, and (my personal favorite) FRYBREAD! It was quite similar to the ones I attended as a teenager with its steady rhythm and overflow of heritage.

We went with some friends and at one point K turned to me and asked, "So, what is your heritage?" "A little bit of everything," I told her. Normally, this makes things easy for me. I am the archetype of The Great American Melting Pot, a blending of many people into one. Of course those many people all come from Europe, so the original palette was missing a lot of colors, kind of like mixing eggshell with ivory with ecru with off-white with pearl. A pretty pale picture, compared to some.

Nothing points this out to me like sitting with a group of people who have gathered to celebrate their heritage. As I watched the boys doing their traditional dances yesterday I could see a connection, strong and nearly invisible, like fishing line, stretching back to their ancestors. The dancers, the drummers, the chanters, the observers - all are ruled by the same beat for a time. They were doing something that generations before them had done. No matter what their present was like, they could step, for a moment, into a place that was common to all.

I often fantasized as a child that I was an Indian maiden, bonded with the forest around me, special because of my connection with the earth. In those powwows of my adolescent years, I embraced the colors and symbols and rhythms as though I might be able to force them to become part of me. As I grew up, I realized that there was much more to Native American history - so much suffering, sorrow and betrayal. I don't envy them the cultural dissonance they live, trying to balance their present with their past, but I still wish I could have that depth of history, that direct line back to my ancestors that they have when they start to move their feet to the beat of those drums. It echoes in my chest, slowing me down, making me think.

Happy 4th of July

This morning we went into Anza to see the Anza Days parade. I wasn't quite sure what to expect. It turned out it wasn't so different than the parades I grew up watching. I guess all small towns are alike that way. I was expecting
~the VFW,
~the horses,
~the Boy Scouts,
~the Ladies Auxillary,
~the fire trucks,
~the old-fashioned, restored tractors,
~the old cars,
~the local Lions club,
~the political figures,
~the sheriff and state patrol,
~the 4-H group,
~the church groups, and
~the candy throwing.

I was not, however, expecting Opie, the honorary mayor. HE'S A GOAT. Yes. I said a goat. He was wearing a visor and a blanket with his name on it. Opie, the goat mayor. Yeesh.

Soon, we head into the big city of Temecula to see the powwow at the local casino and hopefully find some yummy food. If we're lucky, we'll get home in time to watch the fireworks from our backyard. Wheee! Here's some Independence Day spirit from our property:

For Amber

Now that my computer is all set up, I can show you the latest feline photos...


Proof that I have four kitties.


Huzzah - 'Zah, The Fat One, Puppy Cat


Pizzazz - 'Zazzy, The Princess, Zazzerella


Bonsai - Bonzy, The Noisy One, Bonziver


Oliver - Ollie, The Little One, Sir Lawrence Olivier


Did I tell you that Ollie eats watermelon? Well, he does.

Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers

While you are trying to say that 5 times fast, take a moment to think some healthy growing thoughts to the newest member of the Hunt clan - Clayton. He was born to my cousin, Raya, and her husband just yesterday. This is a mind-boggling event to me, as Raya is just 6 months older than I am and this is her FOURTH child - all boys. Awe inspiring. She has a mother's patience. We wish them all the best as they adjust to this new adventure.

Welcome, D-Dogg!

It is slightly alarming to think that there are people in the real world (besides my family) that might be reading this. I know that is the purpose, but it can be somewhat intimidating to be writing things that someone who is aquianted with you might be reading. Although mostly easygoing, I have some pretty strong opinions about some pretty hot topics. While I don't expect people to always agree with me, not everyone has such an openminded approach to things. Having such a public job, it means I have to be careful about what I say for fear of offending/upsetting someone who might have influence over my job (read: parents, community members, DO officials, anyone).

Why does this come up? I have recently been visited by a parent. Granted he is the exact opposite of what I described above, having shown himself to be quite openminded and reasonable. Not to mention a man of exceptional humor and generosity - he provided us with taped episodes of South Park and Family Guy, providing me with a comedic outlet that many parents might not understand (or at the very least want to know about) in an elementary school teacher. His visit doesn't worry me, but it does highlight the fact that I am not exactly hidden away in the darkest corners of Peru here. There could be lots of people from my school community reading this. I just hope that they read long enough to really see what is going on here before making any snap judgements. Yeah. Right.

I should probably take my ramblings somewhere else, but I hesitate for several reasons:
1. I really like the name Rambling with Isha and don't want to lose it.
2. I really like sharing these thoughts with my family and friends who are regulars here.
3. I am not secretive enough to maintain any kind of anonymity for long even if I were to start a new blog.
4. I don't like the idea of being chased away by the mere possibility of problems.

I will just have to think before I post things. Not really asking all that much, is it?

Settled

You know you are really settled into a new place when you can sit down at your own computer and do the things you want to do online with your own bookmarks and homepage and such. I am now settled in. My desk is even clean!