Oh! I get it!

I have this one dream that always seems to pop up during times of stress. I am in a classroom or school of some kind, responsible for a large number of students, and none of them will listen to me. Often I am late for something important, missing vital materials necessary for instruction, or just simply unable to manage behaviors. This dream usually ends with me completely losing my cool in a way that would get my ass fired in a real life situation, causing me to wake up in a cold sweat. I have always interpreted these dreams as manifestations of my inner fears.
"I won't know what to do."
"They won't like me."
"I won't do a good job."
"I won't be able to control my temper."

This morning I awoke from the same dream (unusual for this early in a vacation - typically it rears its ugly head a day or two before I go back to work) with a completely different take on the dream. It started out as the same old thing. I had a class I didn't know. I was hazy on the rules of the school I was in. There was something scheduled that I didn't know about. I couldn't get my kids to follow simple directions. It was chaos and no one was learning anything. My first waking thought:
"I can't teach in this setting."

OH. Well. For the first time ever, I woke from that dream knowing exactly how I could fix the situation. And the best part is - I am already well on my way to doing so. It felt good to realize that (at least in this particular version of the dream) the fault wasn't with ME, but instead with the SYSTEM. It was a very clear statement of what I have been feeling for some time. I am not able to do the work I was meant to do in the environment in which I am currently working.

Don't get me wrong. I am doing good. My students make progress. That progress is even comparable to the progress made by other students in other classes. The problem is this: I KNOW I could be helping students more. I KNOW I have the ability to get them further (or is it farther? I always have trouble with these two) than I am currently doing. I KNOW that I have a gift for reaching troubled, struggling children. And I KNOW that I am meant to do more than doggy-paddle my way through the muck of the public school system in its current incarnation, barely keeping my heart above water and struggling every day with the same decision. Do I do what I know is expected of me according to the rules of this environment so that I can keep my job, my health insurance, and my limited ability to influence the future? Or do I do what I know is necessary for the healthy development of this group of children so they can be the best they can be? This is NOT a decision I should have to be making. I should not have to be compromising between the two.

Since opening Escuela del Sol, I have only become more aware of the division. I can barely get through each 7 hour day at school. I am exhausted when the bell rings at the end of each day (and often a good 30 minutes before that!). It would be easy to say that this is because of the new routine, the new school, the challenging students, the details of teaching, but in reality those are the things I usually thrive on. They are why I love teaching. In truth, I am exhausted from fighting a constant battle in my brain between what I have to do and what I want to do. I know that this because I can leave school, exhausted, at 4:00, spend the next 3 hours working with struggling students at Escuela, and head home feeing rejuvenated. I feel the physical exhaustion that comes from working a 12 hour day, but the emotional exhaustion has melted away.

So, waking up from my regular stress dream with the thought, "I can't work in this setting." is a big switch from waking up to the thought, "I can't do this." I have been pushing pretty hard this year, but it is all with one thought in mind. By the year 2010 (probably sooner) I will have developed Escuela del Sol to the point where I can leave the public school environment that is so stifling me and focus on what I was put here to do - connecting with students and helping them reach their full potential. Or, as the Escuela del Sol logo promises, "Helping Kids Shine". I suffer no delusions that all stress dreams will vanish at that point. I'm a little too high strung for that luxury. But at least I will know that I am in a setting where I can reach MY potential. And isn't that the point?

*My cousin Raya's most recent blog post touches on this same topic from her perspective as a mom. Her comment regarding rules to understand the rules hits it right on the head. Go check it out.