If you can't say something nice...

It's been a few days. I was sick of whining about things and I didn't have much good news coming my way. Anything I thought about writing was either depressing or negative. Well...it's all still rattling around in my head, so I figure what the hell. That's what this blog is for, right? So be warned that this post is going to be unpleasant. Don't worry. I'm fine. Or I will be, once I get this crap out of my head.

I have a brother. I wrote about him recently. He's about 20 and he is of the artistic/moody type. He is a deep thinker and a deep feeler and he doesn't know what to do with all of it. So, he medicates himself with drugs and alcohol in an attempt to numb his brain, his emotions, his fears - I don't actually know what. He insists that everything is fine and he doesn't have a problem at the same time that he is inducing grand mal seizures in himself with his concoctions. He cuts himself off from the rest of the family (something I can almost relate to at times) and he holes up in the darkness, waiting for it to go away. All I can do is sit here waiting to see if he pulls himself out of it or if he gives up. It scares me and saddens me and pisses me off.

I have a mom. We have always been close, more like friends than mother/daughter. Not necessarily a good thing in most cases, but it worked for us. Until last summer. Suddenly, I was replaced by another in my role as confidant and supporter. I am not taking this well. If she has to cut a call short, I feel bad. When our conversations revolve around all her problems and rarely even touch on my life, I feel bad. When I have to fucking beg her to come to the hospital when I have surgery - I FEEL BAD. Most likely this has everything to do with my perception of things and nothing to do with my replacement, but every incident is adding more fuel to the fire. I have trouble talking to her because there are so many things I am not saying. It scares me and saddens me and pisses me off.

I have a personality. It causes me to immediately start thinking about what I can do to help when someone tells me about a problem, whether they have asked for help or not. My interactions with others end up focusing on their issues and my solutions. I need to stop. I can't take the stress and I'm tired of feeling like others are taking advantage of me. The reality is, they probably don't have any idea that I am taking their problems on as my own. 90% of the disagreements I have had with people in my adult life stem from this habit of mine. I need to stop being scared and sad and pissed off.

Okay. Now it is out. Frankly, I'm tired of worrying about all this shit. Time to go make dinner.