To Do

Things I have to get done this week:

- finish online traffic school
- finish final exam for Curriculum Eval course
- write Escuela del Sol introduction letter
- update EdS flier
- gather names/addresses of psychologists, counselors, principals, etc in district
- make 2 scarves - one red/blue, one pink/purple
- finish grading
- work on planning for last 10 weeks of school
- sweep/mop all floors in house

Hmm. School is back in session now. I guess the rest will have to wait until June? Let's hope not.

Oh! I get it!

I have this one dream that always seems to pop up during times of stress. I am in a classroom or school of some kind, responsible for a large number of students, and none of them will listen to me. Often I am late for something important, missing vital materials necessary for instruction, or just simply unable to manage behaviors. This dream usually ends with me completely losing my cool in a way that would get my ass fired in a real life situation, causing me to wake up in a cold sweat. I have always interpreted these dreams as manifestations of my inner fears.
"I won't know what to do."
"They won't like me."
"I won't do a good job."
"I won't be able to control my temper."

This morning I awoke from the same dream (unusual for this early in a vacation - typically it rears its ugly head a day or two before I go back to work) with a completely different take on the dream. It started out as the same old thing. I had a class I didn't know. I was hazy on the rules of the school I was in. There was something scheduled that I didn't know about. I couldn't get my kids to follow simple directions. It was chaos and no one was learning anything. My first waking thought:
"I can't teach in this setting."

OH. Well. For the first time ever, I woke from that dream knowing exactly how I could fix the situation. And the best part is - I am already well on my way to doing so. It felt good to realize that (at least in this particular version of the dream) the fault wasn't with ME, but instead with the SYSTEM. It was a very clear statement of what I have been feeling for some time. I am not able to do the work I was meant to do in the environment in which I am currently working.

Don't get me wrong. I am doing good. My students make progress. That progress is even comparable to the progress made by other students in other classes. The problem is this: I KNOW I could be helping students more. I KNOW I have the ability to get them further (or is it farther? I always have trouble with these two) than I am currently doing. I KNOW that I have a gift for reaching troubled, struggling children. And I KNOW that I am meant to do more than doggy-paddle my way through the muck of the public school system in its current incarnation, barely keeping my heart above water and struggling every day with the same decision. Do I do what I know is expected of me according to the rules of this environment so that I can keep my job, my health insurance, and my limited ability to influence the future? Or do I do what I know is necessary for the healthy development of this group of children so they can be the best they can be? This is NOT a decision I should have to be making. I should not have to be compromising between the two.

Since opening Escuela del Sol, I have only become more aware of the division. I can barely get through each 7 hour day at school. I am exhausted when the bell rings at the end of each day (and often a good 30 minutes before that!). It would be easy to say that this is because of the new routine, the new school, the challenging students, the details of teaching, but in reality those are the things I usually thrive on. They are why I love teaching. In truth, I am exhausted from fighting a constant battle in my brain between what I have to do and what I want to do. I know that this because I can leave school, exhausted, at 4:00, spend the next 3 hours working with struggling students at Escuela, and head home feeing rejuvenated. I feel the physical exhaustion that comes from working a 12 hour day, but the emotional exhaustion has melted away.

So, waking up from my regular stress dream with the thought, "I can't work in this setting." is a big switch from waking up to the thought, "I can't do this." I have been pushing pretty hard this year, but it is all with one thought in mind. By the year 2010 (probably sooner) I will have developed Escuela del Sol to the point where I can leave the public school environment that is so stifling me and focus on what I was put here to do - connecting with students and helping them reach their full potential. Or, as the Escuela del Sol logo promises, "Helping Kids Shine". I suffer no delusions that all stress dreams will vanish at that point. I'm a little too high strung for that luxury. But at least I will know that I am in a setting where I can reach MY potential. And isn't that the point?

*My cousin Raya's most recent blog post touches on this same topic from her perspective as a mom. Her comment regarding rules to understand the rules hits it right on the head. Go check it out.

Highlights and Lowlights

Highlights
1. The apple trees we planted 2 years ago (when we first moved here) are blooming! They started out with lots of tiny, hot pink buds, and those are now bursting open into delicate white flowers. I am extremely excited at the idea of getting apples. Especially if I can convince Mikey that he should be making apple pies with them. :)

2. The weather has been perfect for me to throw on a tank top and jeans, grab my shades and a book, and sit outside for hours. I have been reading almost a book a day. The dogs are loving the company and I am reveling in the relaxation.

3. You know you have a true friend when you can get together and have a lengthy, enjoyable conversation about religion, politics, and emotional health, especially when you disagree about fundamental parts of all three. I have just such a friend and I have been able to get together with her multiple times recently.

Lowlights
1. Mikey has been sick as a dog the last 3 days. He has a fever that reminds me of a couple of my students. You know, the ones who take FOREVER to leave after the bell rings, and keep remembering one more reason why they have to come back. Mikey's fever has several times left only to return a few hours later - "I forgot my math book!" He also has a nice, juicy cough and a nose that can't decide whether to drip constantly or freeze up completely. All this courtesy of his sister and nephew who were hosts to the same bug during our Easter get-together. I have been keeping a distance and crossing my fingers like crazy in hopes that I will avoid it. I don't want to miss out on my vacation and I can't afford to take sick days afterward.

Bookkeeping

I don't hate bookkeeping itself. The practice of recording and balancing actually appeals to my anal-retentive, obsessive-compulsive side. But trying to catch up on 3 months of back logs is the pits. My partner is great about documenting things, but her notes are often written in her own special code that I cannot decipher on my own. Since my brain is like a sieve, I don't remember what was happening a month or more ago. Which means I have spent the last 3 hours sorting through invoices, attendance logs, and payment receipts trying to figure out if we billed the correct number of hours and if the payments received covered the bills. Add on top of that the incredible number of illness related absences we've had lately (which we credit if given enough notice) and this has all been one big super puzzle. I will enjoy it much more when I am tutoring full time and have the ability to keep my bookkeeping current.

Real Life Math

being late to dinner with your in-laws
+
the XM radio game*
+
a road you drive twice a day
+
cresting a steep hill
+
a heavy car that builds momentum as it goes downhill
=
the first speeding ticket I have gotten since I was 16



*The XM Radio Game (for those who are curious)
The passenger is in charge of the XM controller, scrolling through the channels looking for a band that the driver might be able to recognize. The song doesn't matter, although the game is MUCH easier if it is a well-known song. The driver attempts to identify the musician (or group of musicians). If the driver is unable to do so, the passenger can supply hints.

Popular category hints include:
synonyms (e.g. Third Eye Blind becomes Unseeing Chakra)
word association (e.g. Good Charlotte becomes Some Pig in reference to Charlotte's Web)
factoids (e.g. Aerosmith becomes Alicia Silverstone because she once acted in a music video of theirs)
initials (e.g. Three Doors Down = TDD)
number of words (e.g. I think you can figure this one out on your own.)
personal preference (e.g. Mikey knows that if I am picking something country for him to identify it is going to be one of a select few people because he has a limited knowledge of country. Same goes for me and grunge or hair metal.)

Extra points are awarded for speed of recognition (we each have a couple of bands that we can recognize from the first riff of a song) or obscurity of the song (guessing the band from their top 40 hit is less impressive than identifying them from some B side song that you've never heard before). Of course, the fewer clues you need, the better.

Honestly, the clues are the real fun of the game. We try to make up clues with multiple layers so that the driver really has to figure them out to make their guess. One of the more convoluted clues we've created:
Santana becomes Veronica Mars
Veronica Mars is a television show written by a guy named Rob Thomas who is of no relation to the Rob Thomas of Matchbox 20 who once did a song with Santana.
This clue was for Mikey. I would recognize Santana right away. :)

The game is lots of fun, and it's how we spend most of our drive time when we're together. Just one warning if you become a player - be careful not to focus so much on the sound of the musician you're trying to guess that you forget to watch your speed. You'll end up like me, spending the first day of your vacation trying to get through to someone at your county court to find out how much it's going to cost you to go to traffic school.

Something New

Hi, guys! I'm on spring break, so I thought I might try to do some blogging. The question is - do I have anything interesting to say? And do I remember how to do this? Luckily, I had my password tucked away in a safe place.

To start things off, I'm going to share some of the fun things I will be doing during my break:

1. playing with my dogs and reading
The poor puppies are super lonely for me now that I am working so much. If I sit down in the kennel Mia climbs right into my lap and curls up, determined to stay there. She forgoes dinner in order to snuggle with me whenever possible. This morning, we sat in the sun together while I read an entire Sue Grafton mystery. It's possible I can make pretty good headway through the whole alphabet series with this two week vacation.

2. cleaning
It's amazing how easy it is to ignore clutter and mess when you are working a 12 hour day. Now that I am home during daylight hours I am getting to those chores that have been piling up. Today I managed to do 3 loads of laundry, wash all the dishes, straighten the kitchen, and clean out the fridge and freezer. There's plenty left to do, but it feels good to get things done.

3. tutoring
I have about 4 hours of tutoring lined up for this week. There are more hours next week, but that's Stephanie's week. We've had another big surge of sign ups recently. Hooray, Escuela!

4. master's work
There has been a final exam sitting on my counter for several weeks, and it's about time for me to get it done. I wonder how far I can get on my next class? I make no promises!

5. exercise
My long work hours have done wonders for my diet. Self-control is no longer an issue when there is NO time for eating. However, when I am on vacation, I spend the whole day stuffing my face. I'm trying to do more walking and less munching during this one.

And, of course, I am working on catching up on all the sleep I have missed since my last vacation. With that goal in mind, I am now signing off and tucking myself into bead. G'night!

Science Training

For the first time in a LONG time, I left my 6 hour training day feeling as though I had learned something valuable. Another first: I looked up at the clock at one point and thought, "Wow! It's 2 o'clock already?". The guy who is doing the presentation is funny and smart and very engaging. Instead of telling us "This is how you should do it" and doing it a completely different way himself, he is actually teaching us using the methods he thinks we should be using. It makes the whole thing fun and completely motivating. In my district, the teachers have become fairly jaded. We have had so many people telling us what to do and ignoring the skills we already have that we approach all newcomers with a "You think you can do it better? Well, prove it, buddy!" mentality. We all start each training sitting back in our chairs with our arms crossed and our minds tightly closed. This guy was able to overcome that in a BIG way. I am absolutely excited to be going back for the next two days.

I'm Sorry, Kids

By the end of this week, I will have missed 6 days out of three weeks. 6/15. Almost half of the days. And although I am missing them for school related business (intervention meetings, training, etc), I am feeling an overwhelming combination of guilt and exhaustion. I keep trying to show my kids how they are going to benefit from me being gone (Hey, guys! We get to have new computers in our room if I go to this three day training!), but I know that they are starting to feel neglected. Thank goodness I have a wonderful regular sub who knows how things go in my room, and who my students enjoy.

Conferences

The thing I like best about conference time is that it gives me a chance to focus on the students in my class who rarely get their fair share of my attention. I spend 90% of my day redirecting the same 4 kids over and over. They need to be reminded of the rules, they didn't hear the directions I just gave, they want a drink, a break, an extra copy of the homework, and so on. Meanwhile, there are 22 students who manage to get through the day with minimal assistance from me. I try to touch base with each of my kiddos every day, but I'm not always as good at that as I would like to be. Meeting with the parents, one on one, gives me a chance to really notice how helpful, diligent, cooperative, or just plain nice most of my kids are.

My second favorite part about conferences is hearing variations of these words: "My son/daughter just LOVES being in your class. She/he is so excited to get to school each day!" Parent-teacher communication tends to focus on the problems, and the parents who feel this way rarely see a need to get in touch with me. (This goes the other way too. I don't like spending my evening on the phone, so I tend not to call the parents of the well-behaved.) If the next two days go like last night did, I might be set with a store of compliments that will last me through the end of the year!

Brothers and Sisters

Have I mentioned lately how amazing my siblings are?

Shanta - performing all the task involved in raising 4 happy, healthy, active children while holding a high-stress job that involves caring for the well-being of other people, dealing with the depth and breadth of everyday challenges that life can throw at you with humor and perseverance

Tyson - attending a variety of high level math and science courses and maintaining exceptional grades while holding a job and establishing a solid plan for his future, in a long-term relationship with a very nice girl, displaying a depth of caring and understanding that is incredibly rare in his generation

Brooks - also taking a wide range of extremely challenging classes and performing exceptionally well, clearly illustrating that it is possible to change the path of your life given the proper strength of character, constantly teaching me something fascinating about politics, geology, botony, or whatever else has captured his interest

For a long time, through the happenstance of birth order, I was ahead of my siblings in the game of life. I went to college first, I moved out on my own first, I got married first. Suddenly, they are catching up to and surpassing me in so many ways. I am constantly amazed at the adults my brothers and sister are becoming. I have always loved these three as siblings, but I find myself developing a deeper respect for their individual talents and knowledge. They each have abilities in areas that complete baffle me. So, let me state for the record:
My siblings ROCK.

Stuff I've Been Thinking About

1. Work
Between getting ready for conferences (testing, report cards, etc) and covering extra hours as Escuela del Sol, I have been working some long hours. I left home by 7:00 am every morning this week. I returned home at 8:30, 7:30, 8:30, 10:00, and 10:00. Long days. Surprisingly, (aside from a particularly rough Tuesday) I have been able to maintain a fairly positive attitude despite my lack of sleep or personal time. Yay, me! I now get to enjoy a 3 day weekend (thanks, veterans).

Conferences start on Tuesday. The students go home early all three days, allowing me to finish my meetings at a more reasonable hour. It is still emotionally draining to be "performing" for parents for such an extended period. My first conferences start at 1:30 and I am booked almost constantly until 5:30 on Tues, Wed, and Thurs. I know that there are many jobs that require you to be in meetings for extended periods of time, but rarely are people required to justify their job performance to 30 different bosses in back to back meetings. :) Wish me luck.

2. XM Channel 130 - POTUS '08
I have finally found a news station that is worth listening to. Most news sources are so flooded with less-than-vital information that it is difficult to filter out the stuff worth knowing. I really don't care who won the 35th annual Cookie Bake-Off in Podunk, MO. Nor do I need to hear anything further about Brittney Spears and her poor parenting skills. On POTUS '08, I get to hear news that is directly related to the upcoming presidential election. This combines my need for "high value" news with my interest in being somewhat educated about this important decision. They seem to give balanced time to both red and blue candidates and their supporters. (I say seem to because I only listen for the time it takes me to drive to work and back. I can't vouch for the rest of the hours.) I get to hear the candidates' ideas straight from their own mouths, and the few filler things they run are focused on presidential history - odd facts and Today In History type things. Entertaining AND informative.

3. Tutoring
When I first thought about opening EdS, I was worried that I was going to resent having to spend time tutoring in the afternoons. Typically by the time my students leave at 3:15, I am usually exhausted and the only thing I want to do is go home. However, walking into my own business seems to revitalize me. It helps that my tutoring kids are all quite pleasant to work with. I get a huge kick out of working with them on a more individual basis and seeing them make progress from week to week. It's a good feeling.

4. Parental Visit
Mom is coming to visit! :) I am especially excited about this because she hasn't been out this way since my wedding, 5 years ago. So much has changed since then, and I can't wait to show her everything - the dogs, the house/property, my school and Escuela. Luckily, I have a 3 day weekend in which to clean and prepare for her arrival. Not that she's that picky - but I want to show the place off a little. :)

5. Observation
I was observed by my principal this week. She is a tough one to read sometimes, and when she left I had no idea whether she had enjoyed my lesson or not. At our debriefing afterward she had lots of very nice things to say. She praised my growth and development as a teacher since she first (and last) observed me 4 years ago. She also complimented my classroom management, the tone of my room, and my ability to model/explain concepts to students. It was a wonderful meeting and I left feeling as though she was very glad to have me on her staff. I haven't been too worried about that, but it's nice to know that she didn't hire me just because someone said she had to give me a place. She truly appreciated the things I do, both in the classroom and as part of our school-wide community. That is an EXCELLENT feeling.

All is Well

Sorry to be in absentia during such a worrisome time. We're fine. No fires near us, just all around us: Escondido is just south, Irvine is just north, Fallbrook is just east, and Julian is just west of us. We saw smoke and some flames from our place, but they were many miles off in the distance. No real danger. Just enough to stir up that instinctual "FIRE BAD!" response in me. I'm not sure if it is related to my control-freak personality, residual caveman genes, or distant childhood memories, but my fear of larger fires borders on the irrational.

Anyway - no problems here. I wish I could say the same for everyone else in Southern California. Fortunately, as a community we have banded together and we're taking care of our own. Thanks for the concern...

I now return you to the regularly scheduled lack of posts. (Hopefully that is a joke, but with report cards and conferences just around the corner, I suspect it's not. Sorry.)

Snuggle Kitty

Bonsai, our wacky orange cat, has become extremely affectionate lately. I don't know if it is because I haven't been around as much or if it's just a phase he's going through, but I like it. When I walk past him, he gets as high up as he can and then reaches his paws up to my shoulder. That's his way of saying, "pick me up". He then gazes at me adoringly and rubs his cheek against mine. When I lay on the couch, he climbs under my blanket and flops into my lap. The only time I don't like this new attention is at 3:00 am when he climbs onto my chest, tickles my face with his whiskers, and drools on me.

Must be Friday.

I never could get the hang of Fridays. I know the reference is to Tuesdays, but it's Fridays that are kicking my butt this year. I just can't seem to get the hang of them. I spend the whole day running from one thing to the next, never quite keeping up. The kids recognize this and take full advantage. Fridays are always their most chatty, chaotic day. Instead of being able to gently and humorously redirect them, I have to get very strict to keep them on track. As much as I would like to spend every Friday playing with them, we have a limited amount of time in which to complete a magnitude of activities. My Fridays are remarkably akin to herding a roomful of yowling, energetic cats through a waterfall. Damn near impossible.

Is Anyone Here?

I bet you thought I was gone for good this time. But I'm not. It's just that with my full-time school job and my part-time tutoring job I don't have much time left over for anything else: breathing, sleeping, blogging...

So, what am I up to these days?

1. Teaching - I'm having a great year, albeit a busy one. I have 30 students, each with their own abilities, challenges, and personality quirks. Despite my certainty on the first day that I was never going to get comfortable, I am actually getting to know them pretty well. They are a very helpful, sweet, TALKATIVE group. Some days it's hard for me to get a word in edgewise! There is no hope of getting them to stop. I can only hope that they will learn to focus and direct their conversation a little. As usual, the day to day workings of fifth grade keep me hopping. I am also part of the Student Success Team (extra support for struggling students) and the Caught Building Character (we rode scooters at our Friday Flag Salute last week!) program. Oh! And I am the library liaison for my grade level. I am getting to know the members of my team, and I get the feeling that we're going to work well together (lots of different personalities, all fun).

2. Tutoring - I am pleased to be able to say that we are starting the month of October with enough clients to pay the rent each month. Woohoo! I currently work 3 hours and my partner is working a bunch more. We are covering a wide range of ages (7 - 12 years old) and topics (reading, writing, math, study skills). We're having a lot of fun, and I am looking forward to business picking up enough for me to revisit my need for other employment. :)

3. Dieting - The doctor put me on a low-carb diet in an effort to control my cholesterol. Turns out I might be part of a small percentage of the human population who can eat all the cholesterol they want as long as I keep the carbs down. Just another of the fun genetic twists I inherited! I am doing better on this diet than I thought I would. If you know me, you know that I am a total Carb Queen. Mike has been working hard to keep me fed with interesting low-carb foods (he's a great cook!) and I have been exercising a great amount of restraint. There are 2 things about this diet that are helping me keep on track. First, I have very few cravings. If I smell something really great like french fries or toast, it's a struggle, but for the most part I don't really feel a NEED for carbs. Secondly, I have lost nearly 10 pounds. In the past, I have busted my butt, dieting and exercising like a maniac, without losing a pound. This time, the pounds are just melting off me. Not only have I lost the weight, but I can actually SEE the difference. My stomach, which has been distinctly un-flat since the kidney transplant, is on its way to my pre-college days. Fun!

Okay. There is lots more to tell you, but I'm not sure what it is. I will try to come back again soon. But I wouldn't recommend holding your breath. :)

it's the little things that give me away

If you were to sit and have lunch with me today we would probably talk at length about the two exciting things that are soon occuring in my life: starting a new school year at a new school, opening a new business. I would seem calm and confident, exuding enthusiasm for both projects equally. You would later tell someone how impressed you are with my ability to take on such challenges and still remain so relaxed and energetic.

That is because I wouldn't mention how hard it is for me to fall asleep these days. Or how I look for any excuse to keep sleeping in the morning. I won't tell you how much hair I find in the drain after a shower in the morning. You wouldn't notice how I avoid moving my right arm too often or too quickly due to that pain that just won't go away.

I am very excited about my new classroom. I can't wait to meet my new team and my new students. I am thrilled that I am making an attempt at a dream I have had for some time. I am just as enthusiastic as I seem, but I am in no way as confident as I look. I am terrified by both of these new things, and it's the little things that give me away.

For You?

Often I am struck by a particular group of lyrics while listening to music. Most of the time it is something that is relevant to my own life, but every once in a while I get hung up on words that don't feel like they are for me. This has happened to me twice lately...

Performer: SONiA
Album:No Bomb is Smart
Song: "Won't Let Go"

don't let go
just hold on
keep your eye on the road
and your heart in a song
whatever happened is already gone
don't let go

Obviously this is a message that applies to many people, and I have always liked it, but lately it seems to be persistently trying to get through to someone. Since there are a number of people who might be needing it now, I am posting it here and hoping the perhaps it will get through to its intended recipient.

Performer: Bill Staines
Album: First Million Miles
Song: 'Phoenix'

Oh, Lord, have mercy on this poor, poor heart.
Take it from the ashes
and teach it how to fly again.
Oh, Lord, have mercy on this poor, poor heart.

I am quite fond of this album, but I have never paid much attention to this song until my MP3 player started playing it obsessively. Bill has such an expressive voice that I just want to cry thinking about being in such pain that you would cry out like this. Again, I'm not sure who this applies to (pain seems to be fairly common these days), but I hope it reaches that person.

Escuela update

We are a business in everything but actual work now. We have our location (accessible on the 15th), we have our name, license, tax ID, and bank account. Everything is ready for us to actually get started. Now we just need to...get started. Some upcoming goals...
Aug. 20 - Flyers ready to go out to schools (want them out there by the 23rd so we hit back to school night!)
Sept. 5 - Open House (need to have our sign, brochures, sign up paperwork, materials and environment all set by then)

Yikes!

See?

This is what happens when I start to whine and complain about my own health. I get a reminder of just how good it really is. Amy went back to Mayo this week because her creatinine levels were headed in the wrong direction. She had to undergo all kinds of tests and probes, including a biopsy of her transplant kidney. While the kidney is obviously not a happy camper at the moment, there are no signs of rejection either.

I'm not egotistical enough to think that all that happened just to remind me that I am relatively healthy and I should appreciate it. But it has that effect. The few pills I take are ones that I am choosing to take in an effort to avoid later problems. If I forget them or run out I am not going to end up in the hospital or worse. My lack of exercise it due to lack of motivation and effort, not lack of ability. High cholesterol, while carrying a few long term health risks, is not an immediately life threatening situation. All in all, I am an incredibly lucky individual and I do realize it.

I think the real issue here is that I am realizing that I am no longer as healthy as I once was. I am mourning the days when I could move furniture without pulling a muscle, eat whatever I wanted without first considering its calories/fat/cholesterol/sodium/protein, and sleep through the night without waking up to sore joints. You lose a certain amount of freedom and innocence as you reach the point of having to take care of yourself, and I am just coming to terms with that. I know that I am not old (again, I'm younger than all but 3 of the adults in my life, and those are my siblings), but I am not really young anymore either. I'm sure everyone goes through this, but it's hard when my 30 year old body won't/can't do what my 20 year old brain wants to do.

Anyway. Just wanted to tell everyone that they should aim any sympathetic feelings they may have had for me over toward Amy's kidney and related parts. Technically, that's still feeling sorry for me. :)

No Need for Food

Please note: My health problems are miniscule compared to those of just about everyone I know. However, they are MINE and consequently seem important to me. I apologize to everyone who is reading this and thinking "What a baby. She should see what I have to go through every day."

Since my last visit to the doctor, I have begun taking a variety of pills and supplements. Each morning, I take 2 glucosamine (for my bad joints), 1 fish oil (for the joints and the cholesterol), and 1 multivitamin (to make up for my deficient iron and B12). None of these pills is smaller than the end of my pinkie finger, and by the time I finish choking them down I am too full for breakfast. Or maybe my lack of interest in breakfast is because I consider that to be medication, too. 1/2 cup of oatmeal every morning to aid in reducing my cholesterol. Meh. What I really want is a couple of scrambled eggs, slathered in cheese and wrapped in a tortilla. The really sad thing is that my cholesterol continues to go up, so I am going to be forced to add yet another pill to my routine. Hooray for genetics!