Damn it all to hell. Sometimes being a teacher is one of the most frustrating, irritating, drag-you-in-the-dirt-and-kick-you-in-the-teeth jobs out there. Don't get me wrong, it's the only things I want to do and at times it is the most wonderfully satisfying job, but...ugh...sometimes...

I turned around this morning to catch one boy holding another boy in a headlock - arm around his neck, choking him. When I asked him why he said "he was bothering me". Normally, I tell them that violence is not the answer, ask them what they should be doing instead and tell them that I don't want to see it anymore. Normally that is enough. Today I got to thinking about how much he really could have hurt this other boy and I got mad. I told him that he would be staying in at recess to talk to me. (I also kept the other boy in because I didn't know what exactly had happened and I had a feeling from previous experiences that he had been doing something inappropriate.) I told them both exactly how disappointed I was to see them doing that, especially since they both KNEW perfectly well that is was not allowed, the reasons why and what they should have done. I made them both write letters of apology to each other. They did and then they went out to recess. Case closed.

But it isn't. Because nothing I do is going to make a difference. These kids are getting another, much more palatable lesson every day from every form of media out there...if someone is bothering you...bomb the shit out of them. Show them who's boss and don't back down for anything. Walking away from a threat or a fight is supid, cowardly weakness and doesn't prove anything. If they were to listen to popular opinion these days they should not only fight back, but they should pre-emptively attack - that other kid has fists...we know it...you can't actually see them right now...but they are there...and he COULD use them against us. Why should anyone listen to one substitute teacher? Who the hell cares what a lefty, tree hugging, anti-violence peace nut thinks? War - anger - hurt - that is where the real answers lie and if we blow ourselves up and destroy everything to prove it...well, so be it. They had it coming.

Tonight I am disgusted with humans as a race. We lie, we cheat, we steal, we kill, we hate, and worst of all...we teach our children to do the same. it's frustrating, terrifying and jsut plain discouraging and from down here in my pit of dispair i can't see any way out of it. there are just too many haters out there and the lovers can't and/or won't do enough to counteract it. Bleh. To hell with it all.

I apologize to most of you who are reading this...my friends and family are some of the most wonderful. caring, loving people I know and I can't thank you enough for being who you are and helping me be who I am. I love you all and hope that rather than pissing you off, I inspire you to redouble your effort. If I didn't know that there were people like you out there...buried in the seas of ignorant, hateful people...I would surely lose my last shreds of hope and then were would I be? Thank you and PEACE BE WITH YOU ALL.