Contrasts

I woke up this morning in tears. In one night, I dreampt first that my Daddy was lost and I couldn't find him and then that my brother had died in a car accident. I began the dream searching for my Daddy who had left money and cryptic, frightening notes all over for me to find. I was afraid of what would happen if I didn't find him, but also aware that it wasn't really my search in the first place. I couldn't find him and I felt as though I was letting him down. Later, I was heartbroken trying to come to terms with the death of my brother. I kept thinking "He'll pull out of it" and "He'll come back to us eventually" and even "It is a phase", but each time I was reminded that none of those things were true.

This afternoon, on the bus home, I found myself in a moment I would like to keep forever. The bus was rumbling around the corners of the road as the afternoon sun sparkled across the water. The gentle warmth on my face counterbalanced the breeze through the open windows perfectly. I held on to Mikey's hand and wished that it would never end. Of course, as soon as I realized how perfect the moment was, the spell was broken and life swept ever onward.

If only I could share these precious snippets of peace with those who need it so much. They need to stop running from the now, so they can see how beautiful it is, but it is hard to stand fast against the maelstrom no matter the promises made for afterward. I guess the best thing I can do is practice what I preach by enjoying the now in which I currently find myself. It is time for a cold shower to soothe my fiery feet and then it's off to find a place for dinner.