The Grieving Process or Oh, God, I'm Going To Lose My Job!

I realized today that I have been gradually making my way through the steps in the grieving process. I recently learned that although I am promised a part time job in the district, it may not be in my current classroom. My partner would like to return to full time and that most likely means that I will be forced to choose between working with another partner or losing my job. (Full time jobs are in short supply around here, thanks to budget cuts.)

Being my usual, difficult self I went through the stages in an atypical fashion.

1. Denial
Of course, I denied the whole thing at first. "She's not really serious." I said. She was. "They can't force me to move," I thought. They can. "There's nothing to worry about, it will all work out just fine." I told myself. It's not going to. I was hoping that I would just be moved into a new class on the campus that I am currently working, but the most recent rumors suggest fewer classrooms next year instead of more. I was stuck here (at this stage) for quite a while, largely because it worked so well when I was given my pink slip earlier. I just refused to believe that it would actually happen and - lo and behold - it was rescinded. Not this time.

2. Bargaining
I decided that I would work harder. I would impress my partner so much that she wouldn't be able to bear the thought of teaching without me. I would wow my principal to the extent that he would open a new class rather than lose me. I would have children begging to be in my class next year. Yeah right. I didn't fool myself long with any of this. On to the next step.

3. Depression
As evidenced by my moody and overtly self-pitying post last week, I quickly lost my perspective. As far as I could see I had been given a taste of perfection only to have it snatched away to the tune of "Neener, neener, neener!" Instead of being in the perfect school, with perfect co-workers and perfect students, I was being sent to hell to teach demons and wildcats all by myself. I had nightmares about not knowing where I should be, not being ready or not having a job. More denial at this point, since I refused to think about any of this during my waking hours and instead tossed and turned through many nights of troubled sleep.

4. Anger
By this afternoon, after some discussion with fellow teachers, I decided that I was being screwed by the system. Due to my part time position, my probationary status, and the huge chunks being taken from the education budgets on every level, I was going to lose my job at some point, if not this year. I was being mistreated or at the very least, underappreciated. The realization (be it real or imagined) that it is not my fault this is happening, made it easier to move on to the next step.

5. Acceptance
I came to the conclusion that the smart thing to do would be taking the following two steps. First, do everything I can to make myself more desirable as a teacher. This means taking classes, learning a second language, joining committees, etc. Second, start looking for full time positions in the district. I know that they say there aren't any right now, but I need to keep my nose to the ground, my ear to the wall and my eye to the keyhole. As soon as one comes available, I need to make it known that I want it. If I am going to lose my job, I am going to do it under MY terms, rather than those of the district. I have seen how well they look after their own.

I still don't like the idea of changing jobs but at least now I have a plan for dealing with it. I got right to work by starting a CLAD (Crosscultural Language and Academic Development) class which will not only make me more valuable to the district, but also help me when I have to renew my credential in 2005. I plan to speak with my principal in the next couple of days about watching for open positions. I feel better already.