Exerpt from an e-mail conversation I had. A fairly clear glimpse into my more recent thoughts and feelings.

> To "be", we all need to recognize who it is that resides within our skin.
> At least for me, that is a given to achieving some sort of productive and
> happy life. Otherwise, we are undirected energy spilling out of a vessel
in
> physical form that is not quite human.

I have been living this directly for the last month or so. The whole school year when I really think about it. Inside me is a teacher. Without a classroom to aim that at, I have become dissatisfied, distracted and aimless. My energy is simply being expended, rather than making a difference. As I have told so many principals lately - I am someone who can make a difference. Not knowing how to go about doing that is frustrating and defeating.

> After thinking on those questions for years I can only guess that we are
a
> continuous cycle of "perception" that is created by thought, which in turn
> creates feelings about that which we think and consequently leads our
minds
> into directing our bodies into action.

This idea/thought/interpretation of life struck me as true when I heard it first explained in my high school history class and I still feel it is very accurate. However, I also think that it is not neccessarily a one way street. Actions can change thoughts and emotions, emotions can cloud thoughts...they are all intertwined. I take this to mean that it is very much my responsibility to keep tabs on my emotions and actions. That I need to work hard to know what I think, understand what I am feeling and choose appropriate actions.

Easier said than done. I have battled my entire life with a fierce temper and impulsive nature. (I thought it was very obvious, but recently discovered it may have been more internalized than I thought.) Although I have grown in my ability to blend my thoughts, emotions and actions into productive, balanced, healthier patterns, I still have to work hard at it. Recently I have been interviewing and waiting for responses. My desires for particular jobs, my fears, hopes and frustrations - all led to a period of lethargy, inertia and depression that I have only recently been able to shake. I had to re-evaluate my goals and intentionally change my actions in order to overcome the emotions that were incapacitating me. No one could do it for me, although Mikey wanted to. And I couldn't change anything that anyone else was doing. I couldn't make the principal hire me or the teacher call me. I had to go within.

I read many authors in "The Sun" who follow this or a similar philosophy on life. What I hear many of them saying and what I disagree with is that desire is a bad thing. Without strong desire I wouldn't have the Loving home or the (soon to be) fulfilling job that I am currently blessed with. Or if I had them, I wouldn't be able to keep them. Desire is the driving force in my life. The trick for me is to make sure that I am desiring the right things. When I start wishing for a bigger house or a newer car or a fancier vacation - that is when my desire starts to get me into trouble. I expend more energy on those less important things than I do on the most important thing I have...Love...for my Mikey, for my students, for my fellow human.

I have no idea if my own thoughts mesh with anyone else's and honestly, I don't really care. It works for me, for the moment and that is what is important. It is my current idea and as they say in the movie Dogma, "Ideas are much easier to change than beliefs." I hope some of what I have rambled here (I call my blog RAMBLING with Isha for a reason!) gives you the information you were seeking.