I am bad at friendships. I do very well with roommates. People who are around me all the time so that I am constantly reminded that they are there and wonderful and needing to be appreciated. I do very poorly with people who live far away. I think about them often, but not always at times that it is possible to tell them that I am thinking of them. And by the time I am in a situation to tell them how wonderful they are or even just continue a conversation with them - I am distracted by the immediacy of my own life. This makes it hard to maintain friendships, especially since I am thousands of miles from most of my friends. I want to sit on the couch with them eating a pizza, drinking a Coke and watching a bad movie (or possibly an episode of Mystery Science Theatre?) and giggling/complaining about the foolishness of it all. I want to stay up late discussing religion and politics and what comes after the fourth dimension (you have a dot, a line, a square, a cube...then what? remember that, Amy?) I want friends to play with! Not that I am any good at that either. I am always criticizing my words, clothes, timing, humor, self in an attempt to be a good friend. Via real life, internet, phone, e-mail - you name it. I cannot seem to quiet the voice in my head that is always saying things like "they won't understand what you are saying and they will be offended." or "that is stupid, don't say that" or "it doesn't matter what you say" or any number of other things that make me think it would be easier to just remain in a solitary state. Have my co-workers and my Mikey and leave it at that. As soon as you start trying to be friends you make things complicated and scary and hard. But I want friends. Damn.

Do any of you out there always feel like you are constantly standing on the fringe of a really fun party, knowing that it's okay to join, but not sure how to do it? Does anyone else understand what I am saying? So often I feel like I am peering in a window, not being able to find the door. Or afraid that maybe the invitation I got in the mail was a mistake, meant for the guy next door. Or that it was for me, but as soon as I open my mouth everyone will notice that I wasn't really the kind of person they had in mind anyway. Or something like that. God, I am pathetic. I know, I know, I should just get a grip on some confidence and stop worrying so much. I know that. But how do I DO it?