Angry

One day while I was home I had a very difficult and sad conversation with my mom. I said things that made her feel bad and, of course, that made me feel bad. Upon going our separate ways I drove home, listening to my Matchbox 20 cd. As the first song played I thought about my mom and our conversation. I automatically sang along under my breath. Suddenly I listened to the words I was singing...

"And it's good that I'm not angry
I just need to get over
I'm not angry
it's dragging me under
I'm not angry"

and I realized as I choked on these words that I was, indeed, very angry. That was a revelation to me. I had spent the last 2 years hiding, denying, burying my anger as I clung desperately to what used to be. I was afraid that by showing my anger I would make things harder on my mom, my dad, my siblings.
From childhood I have been afraid of my anger. I have seen the damage that anger can do to situations, relationships and families. It took years of careful practice to control my baser emotions rather than letting them control me. I am coming to realize that it is okay for me to be angry. I can be angry at my dad for having an affair. I can be angry at his girlfriend for giving him a reason to leave his family. I can be angry at my mom and her new husband for getting married quickly despite my own discomfort with it. I can be angry at all of the adults for acting like children and not noticing how hurt the actual children really were by all this. I can be angry at my brother for making self-destructive decisions. I can be angry. I AM angry.
Now I have to decide how much of that anger needs to be discussed with others and how much just needs to be acknowledged by myself. I am still not comfortable with the idea of admitting to my family how angry I am with them. But I have admitted it to myself and that is a big first step.